Not just another flower picture

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 20/52
Some Good-Looking Thorns

In case anyone was wondering, it's a tad difficult to focus on the thorns of a rose bush when its decadent flowers constantly fight for your attention. Anyhow, that's what I tried to do in this picture for Week 20 of my 52 Week Project. Although I had to edit it a lot to achieve what I had in mind---some good-looking thorns---the entire process ironically encompasses the change of heart that I've experienced this past week.

I must start by explaining, in brief, the news we received at my doctor's appointment on Tuesday afternoon....

For the most part, we were very encouraged by the news: all the parasites, bacteria, and viruses are gone! I still have some "imprints" or scars on my cells from the Lyme bacteria, which has caused a slight autoimmune response, but after a month or so of taking a homeopathic remedy, I should be all clear. So that's very good news!  Praise be to God, the Great Physician who mends all our wounds and heals all our diseases!

With this great news, we had to ask the tough question about the possibility of permanent damage since I went undiagnosed and mistreated for so long and still have headaches everyday. The doctor said that sometimes patients have "dead spots" in their brain, which are supposedly permanent. I asked if those were technically called hypo-perfusions, because that's what showed up on my brain scan a while back when we first started thinking I had Lyme. He said yes, that they're the same. He continued to say, however, that even though the dead spots are lost now, the brain can re-route itself and work around those areas. The brain is pretty incredible.

But still, that's the part of the appointment that made it hard for me to fully rejoice over the miracle of healing. I thought, Wow, so I'm pretty much healthy, but because of this stupid brain damage I'll probably still feel pain, neuro symptoms, and memory impairment the rest of my life. That's just great.

After all I've experienced over the past three years, I most certainly cried over and still grieve the damage and loss, but I do not doubt in the least the sufficiency of God's grace, power, and strength in my weakness. Perhaps the dead spots will serve as a good reminder of how God has sustained and will continue to sustain me. I mean, it's a miracle that I've come this far already, and even with the permanent brain damage that remains, I know that God can still work miracles in and through me. What else could better attest to his great power and faithfulness? I can't help but to deeply identify, once again, with Paul when he writes about his vision and the thorn in 2 Corinthians 12:


To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (verses 7-10)

I honestly believe that God has purposefully made me weak, with regard to my own strength, in order to make me strong through the strength that comes from Him alone. God has healed me, but I think to keep me from becoming conceited---from boasting about my intelligence, achievements, and honors---he has chosen to allow some weakness and damage to remain in my brain. However, when I can boast gladly about that, though, Christ's power rests on me. I know this to be true. I've felt it. This amazing truth of Christ's power within me has transformed my mind in ways that no medicine or therapy ever could. Though outwardly and physically we are all wasting away, inwardly and spiritually I am being renewed day by day through the power of the Holy Spirit who helps me fix my eyes on the unseen, eternal aspects of life. Because in the big scheme of things, God knows that even permanent brain damage is really only temporary. One day He will restore and redeem everything. All will be made new. The dead will be raised and the dead spots will be brought back to life in the glorious presence of our risen Savior, Jesus Christ. Now that is some really Good News! Amen??

Coming back to where I started, with the idea of the thorn, I'm learning more than ever before that all good things must be protected. Just as rose thorns are a protective adaptation to keep animals from destroying the entire rosebush, maybe my brain damage will guard against conceit and pride, which seek to attack the good fruit, lessons learned, and spiritual maturity that the past three years of trial and pain have produced in me.  After all, nothing exists without purpose. Perhaps this is just it.

Miraculous Reflections

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 11/52

"The prayer of a Christian," J.I. Packer has written, "is not an attempt to force God's hand, but a humble acknowledgement of helplessness and dependence." 

I took this picture for my 52 Week Project at the beginning of spring break, which sadly, is soon coming to an end. The setting sun's reflection on this pond captivated me and my sister Lauren, and we tried snapping as many shots as we could of its marvelous beauty. You should've seen us. Our excitement was just a little extreme. Running the length of the pond, finding cool angles of sun glare, reaching high and squatting down low for the perfect picture. We were awestruck by the pond's reflection of the sun, the blue sky and sweeping clouds, the lone tree, the distant horizon of country lands. It looked beautiful--a perfect end to our day's adventure. 

Whenever I see beauty like this, the kind that makes me speechless, I always try to stop and listen for what it has to say. Beauty of this magnitude surely speaks of that which is far beyond what our finite minds can fully understand, but it nonetheless provides us with glimpses of God's blessings in disguise. 

Just as the still water in this pond can accurately reflect its surroundings when the sun shines down upon it, we can more accurately reflect God's character when we come to God in prayer--not manipulative prayer, which is more like magic, but true prayer--as Jesus modeled for us. When we see prayer as an effect of or our response to God's power, and not just a cause of it, we will experience significant growth and a sensitivity to God's presence. He will quiet our worries, still the rushing waters of our souls, and bring peace to our inmost places. God calls us to have a child-like faith because through that perspective, we increase our ability to reflect his will, his heart, his desires. In this way, we can agree that the act of prayer itself is the fulfillment of its purpose. 

With this in mind, we need not slip into a pit of despair when it seems God has not answered our prayers. The truth is, God always answers prayers. The question is, whether or not we recognize and accept his answers, especially when they're different than what we'd like or expect. If we adopt a child-like faith, though, and use prayer as a "humble acknowledgement of [our] helplessness and dependence," even an answer of "no" or a "wait" can work a miracle in our lives. This miracle may not be physical healing, material wealth, or academic success; rather, we can experience spiritual healing and blessing by allowing God to transform our will to look more like his. 

Just like Lauren and I were so amazed at the reflection in the pond, I'm also amazed at how God transforms the hearts of his children so that they can reflect his image more clearly. Often times this means refusing to give them something that they ask for because He knows it's not as good as what he really wants to offer them. As children so often do, we get confused and mad, some of us throw temper tantrums and act out in response to God's answer of "no." After we calm ourselves down, we know we can trust that God has our best interest in mind because he loves us more than anything we can imagine, he's in the process of making us even more beautiful, and desires for us to each reflect the likeness of his Son, Jesus Christ, who is, in himself, the essence of beauty.   

Longing For Where I Belong

In my last post I wrote about how I've experienced God as my shatter-proof refuge through the shock and disillusionment of unexpected troubles and difficulties. When we trust in the Lord, who acts as our strength and our stronghold in times of trouble--our Rescue and our Deliverer--the trials we face possess the unmatched potential of developing within us an irrevocable desire for eternity. Hurt and pain can either drive our hearts into the ground or intensify our longing for that hopeful day when we'll experience complete healing and renewal. Nurturing this craving, as opposed to ignoring it or writing it off as a far-off fantasy, has been essential to my spiritual, physical, and emotional well-being and has drastically transformed both my understanding of God and my relationship with Him.

Have you ever felt frustrated, discouraged, or dismayed by the pain and the suffering you see throughout the world--natural disasters, poverty, oppression? Have you ever felt outraged by the evil of our day that has polluted innocent children like those in Uganda--KONY 2012 anyone? Have you ever felt that this is not how life should be, that there's gotta be more than this?

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 10/52
Warwick Furnace

On a smaller scale, when we see abandoned buildings, or trees split by lightning, or thorns and thistle choking the life out of plants, we often have a similar reaction...that is, assuming we take the time to react. We know that the sad remnant in front of us does not line up with its original purpose or design. Even if we simply look away and refuse to acknowledge the brokenness, that reaction still speaks to our desire for wholeness, for a world where life and love reign, for something more than this. Our normal reactions, and whatever emotions they encompass, indicate our recognition that something is wrong with this picture.

However, despite these reactions, I also suggest that just as everything has a purpose--form does not exist without function--the existence of pain and suffering conveys the fact that it, too, must have a function. My psychology book presents pain as a biopsychosocial phenomenon that we must seek to understand in terms of its biological, psychological, and social influences. It argues the purpose of pain lies its message, which warns us that something is wrong. If pain indicates that something is wrong, the logical flip-side to this phenomenon illustrates the "rightness" of a time and place free from pain.

I'd like to encourage you in the midst of the confusion and chaos by proposing that the very existence of your feelings of frustration and wonder suggests that this is not how the world was originally meant to be and that there is, indeed, something better yet to come. Otherwise, we would not have a problem with pain and suffering nor would we have a desire to see it to go away.

With that logic in mind, I believe we can confidently and rationally justify our hope and our longing for Heaven, the place where pain and suffering cease to exist. Through eyes of faith, we can view our present suffering as a promise of the future glory that will soon be revealed to us. Until that day, we continue to persevere in faith, being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see. We continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ who entered into our suffering and took it on completely so that we could have the opportunity to take on his righteousness and his glory if we so choose. We shall continue to rest in the arms of our God, who created us out of love and desires to comfort us and pour out his blessing upon us in the midst of our pain.  We continue to live with the perspective that this world is not our final destination. We were created for perfect relation with God which is why our hearts long for something more than the brokenness that we experience here on this earth. Not only do we feel it, but nature feels the same deep ache and groans in anticipation for the day of redemption as well. Restoration is coming!

If home is where the heart is, I hope that we will embrace the truth that Heaven is our home because our hearts belong with the One who "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). His name is Jesus.

"...and my soul is getting restless for the place where I belong, I can't wait to join the angels and sing my Heaven song"

 ~ Heaven Song by Phil Wickham

Waiting--

It's been a while since I've posted anything...the past week and a half has been pretty rough--filled with stubborn migraines, fatigue, and an array of emotions which makes it a little difficult to write. I feel like I've finally gotten a break though, and I haven't even had to take any pain medicine the past two days! So I'm thankful for that.

There are sooo many things on my heart and mind right now as I reflect upon the painful days. It's hard not to get discouraged in the midst of the bad times, but knowing that the good days are on their way helps me to be patient. I want to share with you this psalm that pretty much describes what I couldn't put into words on my own this week. It's 20 verses which may look like a lot, but please just read it to the end. That's where I'm at right now.


Psalm 77
(For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.)


1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 The waters saw you, God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the heavens resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.


Sometimes I don't necessarily "feel" God's presence, comfort, and peace. Sometimes it seems like He's unresponsive. Silent. My first response to Him in those times is frustration which often comes out as arrogance, thinking that I deserve or am entitled to an encounter with the Almighty God. I remember his faithfulness and the precious times we shared together. I treasure those moments; yet, here I am now wondering where He is. Though I know that He promises never to leave me nor forsake me, I long to hear his voice, to feel his touch, to see his face. The longing, while not satisfied, continues to grow, deepening my desire for Him even more. As I focus on Him and meditate upon his character, I still struggle to make sense of the silence. I feel like I'm totally aware of my desire for Him, yet I'm still waiting in my painful, desperate state, to truly discover Him.

I know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. In Larry Crabb's book Shattered Dreams, he writes about others who have experienced deep pain and loss. A man who lost his wife reported this: "At his worst moments of pain, he never hears a happy song coming out of his heart. When he hears a song, it's the music of desire, of longing for what is not now and will never be till heaven. 'Tears have become my deepest form of worship.' He spoke with passion.

Though I haven't lost my spouse (since I've never had one), I can identify with him in that I do believe that tears have also become my deepest form of worship. I hate crying because it makes my head hurt worse, "but it's in the pain that we discover our desire for God, and it's in the frustration of that desire that we come to realize how sturdy it is. We face the truth that there is no other answer. To whom else shall we go? Moving toward anything else we might desire is idolatry and foolishness. Only God has the life our souls desperately need. We come to really believe that. So we abandon ourselves to Him. And we wait. Any experience of His presence is given as a sovereign mercy. There is no formula for making it happen.--No longer do we live for blessings; no longer do we pray, 'God, here is what I need. Give it to me!' Now we rest, an agitated rest that includes the agony of frustration, but stil we rest. And we learn to say, 'God, whoever You are, whatever You do, that is all I want. I demand nothing. I will wait for You.'"

I don't think I have to write a book anymore because Larry Crabb has already said everything that I would want to say, and he has done so with perfect words which I could not express.
My sister Lauren gave me his book Shattered Dreams for Christmas and it has been such a blessing to me ever since.

So that's where I'm at right now. Waiting on the Lord. It's not easy, but they say that good things come to those who wait. So that's exactly what I plan on doing. I'm trusting my faith, not my feelings.

Thank you for all of you who are praying for me! You are such a blessing. Prayer is powerful. So please, don't give up!

---

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Cor. 12:8-10 <3