Lately, I've been reading a fabulous devotional book entitled Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman. The updated edition in today's language has been a huge encouragement to me each time I sit down to read what it has to say. There are quite a few day's thoughts I wanted to re-post, but the one for today is especially near and dear to my heart.
He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. (Malachi 3:3)
Our Father, who seeks to perfect His saints in holiness, knows the value of the refiner's fire. It is with the most precious metals that a metallurgist will take the greatest care. He subjects the metal to a hot fire, for only the refiner's fire will melt the metal, release the dross, and allow the remaining, pure metal to take a new and perfect shape in the mold.
A good refiner never leaves the crucible but, as the above verse indicates, "will sit" down by it so the fire will not become even one degree too hot and possibly harm the metal. And as soon as he skims the last bit of dross from the surface and sees his face reflected in the pure metal, he extinguishes the fire.
Arthur Tappan Pierson
He sat by a fire of seven-fold heat,
As He looked at the precious ore,
And closer He bent with a searching gaze
As He heated it more and more.
He knew He had ore that could stand the test,
And He wanted the finest gold
To mold as a crown for the King to wear,
Set with gems with a price untold.
So He laid our gold in the burning fire,
Though we would have asked for delay,
And He watched the dross that we had not seen,
And it melted and passed away.
And the gold grew brighter and yet more bright,
But our eyes were so dim with tears,
We saw but the fire–not the Master’s hand,
And questioned with anxious fears.
Yet our gold shone out with a richer glow,
As it mirrored a Form above,
That bent o’er the fire, though unseen by us,
With a look of unspeakable love.
Should we think that it pleases His loving heart
To cause us a moment’s pain?
Not so! for He saw through the present cross
The joy of eternal gain.
So He waited there with a watchful eye,
With a love that is strong and sure,
And His gold did not suffer a bit more heat,
Than was needed to make it pure.
Showing posts with label suffering. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suffering. Show all posts
Monday, October 29, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Daddy's Girl
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| 52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 24 Beloved Child of God |
When I look at this picture, I can only imagine the kind of love that this child's father has for her. I'm reminded of the love that I've received from my own father: unconditional, self-giving, sacrificial love. This love has made me desire to honor, please, and respect my dad in response to the kindness he's poured out on me throughout my life. Although no human love will ever reach absolute perfection, I think the purity of my dad's love for his children sure comes pretty close.
I wanted to dedicate this post to my dad as part of his Father's Day present, but it's already Wednesday night so it's a little late. Better late than never though, right? I love you Daddy!!!
I would've posted sooner but the past week and a half has been so filled with painful headaches and migraines that I haven't had the energy or concentration to write. I have endured a lot of trial and testing this week and have confronted the recurring questions and seeming inconsistencies that so often accompany the long hours spent in bed with unrelenting pain. I've mainly been challenged with the idea of how an all-powerful, all-loving God, our Father in Heaven, can allow his children to suffer all kinds of pain, sickness, and distress. I'm not just talking about the common cold or typical knee scrap, but the serious stuff. The stuff that keeps floors upon floors of children occupying rooms in hundreds of children's hospitals around the country: unexplainable pain, incurable illness, insatiable anxiety, failed treatments, harsh medicinal side effects....the list goes on, making it increasingly harder to reconcile the two realities of this painful life with a loving Father God who has good plans for his children. I'm so easily tempted to succumb to the thought that if God is really all-powerful, than He is obviously unwilling to heal because complete healing has not come.
With my focus solely on the present pain that I'm suffering, this seems like the most logical conclusion: that for some reason, God does not want to heal me. What a sad, depressing, and nearly heart shattering statement! I know I'm not alone in that thought either.
Our conception of love requires protection from pain at all costs; yet the greatest act of love that the earth has ever known required that God allow his only son Jesus to suffer the greatest pain of all, dying a cruel death at the hands of the ones he came to save. Isaiah 53:4-6 states:
Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
Most of us tend to feel like we're entitled to a good, long, healthy life. We get mad at God when bad things happen. We think that if God is God, He needs to do something about all the evil, pain, and suffering that's tearing this world apart. When we don't see Him doing anything to make things better, we turn our backs on Him, harboring our feelings of bitterness and betrayal, which morph into despair and hopelessness in a matter of weeks, days, sometimes even hours. Digging our own graves, we blind ourselves from seeing God's masterplan of redeeming this broken world and everything in it. He didn't design creation to look like the mess we're used to seeing. God doesn't want anyone to suffer pain for all of eternity, although that's honestly the punishment that our sin deserves. But that's why Jesus suffered for us; paid our penalty and took our place. As a result, we all have the opportunity to be healed completely from the sin that sickens our wretched earthly bodies. Whether that healing happens this side of Heaven in a way that we can see or not is beside the point: by his wounds we are healed.
Next time we get frustrated and angry over the pain and suffering that we see and experience in this life, I pray that we'll quickly be reminded of Jesus' words he uttered in his last breaths as he hung on the cross, "It is finished!" As children of God, we can rest assured that this place is not our home; we're just passing through. While we're here though, I don't think that God will allow us to endure any suffering that He does not purpose for good. No pain goes wasted on God's watch. We just have to wait with the hope that God provides and trust---through the tears---that Daddy knows best.
After all, God is love, and love never fails.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Not just another flower picture
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| 52 Week Project 2012 ~ 20/52 Some Good-Looking Thorns |
I must start by explaining, in brief, the news we received at my doctor's appointment on Tuesday afternoon....
For the most part, we were very encouraged by the news: all the parasites, bacteria, and viruses are gone! I still have some "imprints" or scars on my cells from the Lyme bacteria, which has caused a slight autoimmune response, but after a month or so of taking a homeopathic remedy, I should be all clear. So that's very good news! Praise be to God, the Great Physician who mends all our wounds and heals all our diseases!
With this great news, we had to ask the tough question about the possibility of permanent damage since I went undiagnosed and mistreated for so long and still have headaches everyday. The doctor said that sometimes patients have "dead spots" in their brain, which are supposedly permanent. I asked if those were technically called hypo-perfusions, because that's what showed up on my brain scan a while back when we first started thinking I had Lyme. He said yes, that they're the same. He continued to say, however, that even though the dead spots are lost now, the brain can re-route itself and work around those areas. The brain is pretty incredible.
But still, that's the part of the appointment that made it hard for me to fully rejoice over the miracle of healing. I thought, Wow, so I'm pretty much healthy, but because of this stupid brain damage I'll probably still feel pain, neuro symptoms, and memory impairment the rest of my life. That's just great.
After all I've experienced over the past three years, I most certainly cried over and still grieve the damage and loss, but I do not doubt in the least the sufficiency of God's grace, power, and strength in my weakness. Perhaps the dead spots will serve as a good reminder of how God has sustained and will continue to sustain me. I mean, it's a miracle that I've come this far already, and even with the permanent brain damage that remains, I know that God can still work miracles in and through me. What else could better attest to his great power and faithfulness? I can't help but to deeply identify, once again, with Paul when he writes about his vision and the thorn in 2 Corinthians 12:
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (verses 7-10)
I honestly believe that God has purposefully made me weak, with regard to my own strength, in order to make me strong through the strength that comes from Him alone. God has healed me, but I think to keep me from becoming conceited---from boasting about my intelligence, achievements, and honors---he has chosen to allow some weakness and damage to remain in my brain. However, when I can boast gladly about that, though, Christ's power rests on me. I know this to be true. I've felt it. This amazing truth of Christ's power within me has transformed my mind in ways that no medicine or therapy ever could. Though outwardly and physically we are all wasting away, inwardly and spiritually I am being renewed day by day through the power of the Holy Spirit who helps me fix my eyes on the unseen, eternal aspects of life. Because in the big scheme of things, God knows that even permanent brain damage is really only temporary. One day He will restore and redeem everything. All will be made new. The dead will be raised and the dead spots will be brought back to life in the glorious presence of our risen Savior, Jesus Christ. Now that is some really Good News! Amen??
Coming back to where I started, with the idea of the thorn, I'm learning more than ever before that all good things must be protected. Just as rose thorns are a protective adaptation to keep animals from destroying the entire rosebush, maybe my brain damage will guard against conceit and pride, which seek to attack the good fruit, lessons learned, and spiritual maturity that the past three years of trial and pain have produced in me. After all, nothing exists without purpose. Perhaps this is just it.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Wet Hair and Wishes
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52 Week Project 2012 ~ 16/52 |
It's funny how time has a way of changing us: our thoughts, actions, and priorities. Looking back on our old selves (or young selves) we all can pinpoint at least one thing that we know now which has greatly influenced and changed us.
For me, it's not just my perception of dandelions, but of faith. When I was younger, I used to think of faith more like wishing on a dandelion. I would say prayers to God and hope that he would hear them and make my wishes come true. I thought maybe if I prayed hard enough, my words would make it up to Heaven like the dandelion seeds floating away with the wind.
I'm not sure when I realized that my dandelion, wishful faith was not the kind that the Bible talks about, but I've been writing this really long paper (that's due this Thursday!) on the influence of faith on my family dynamic, which has forced me to define what true faith really means. The first verse that comes to mind for a definition of faith is Hebrews 11:1 which says, "Faith is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you cannot see." But even that definition, I think at least, has holes. After all, I hope for a lot of things and there are many things that I can't see, so what is this verse talking about?
I think 1 Peter 1:3-9 sums it up pretty well. It answers my question from Hebrews 11 and then some. Take a look:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Q: What aspect of faith do we hope for?
A: An inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade, which is kept in Heaven for us as we are now being shielded by God's power until that day that we receive what we've hoped for --- of this we can be sure.
Q: What aspect of faith do we not see?
A: Jesus Christ, the object and the giver of our faith --- of Christ we can be certain.
Q: Is faith important?
A: Yes! It's of greater worth than gold!
Q: Why do we have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials?
A: So that our faith may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when we see Jesus face to face. After all, anything that's true should stand the test of trials.
Like I said earlier in this post, I don't know the day that I realized faith is more than wishful thinking, but I know that I've gained a clearer perspective on faith through the pain and suffering that I've endured. That's not to say that faith is just a resource that I pull out when times are tough. Rather, through trials and hardships, I've had to face the challenging question of "Who am I?" In faith, I recognize that I am a dearly loved child of God. If the storms of life must come to wash away the dirt that masks my true identity, than bring on the rain. If you ask me, a genuine faith and an inexpressible and glorious joy are most certainly worth getting my hair wet for.
Still have questions? Feel free to leave a comment or email me with anything that's on your heart.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Not Faking It No More
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| 52 Week Project 2012 ~ 15/52 This picture has significant meaning to me, but I've chosen not to explain it here. I hope that you all can still appreciate it for what it is & how it touches your hearts. |
This has been a really hard week for my family. Grief brings many strong emotions, unanswered questions, and tears. We know that we need not grieve like those who have no hope, but hope doesn't always answer the questions. Many times throughout this week, I've felt the sustaining power of hope in the course of the day and the long, restless nights. This hope is able to comfort our aching souls in the midst of a painful loss, however, I've found that the anguish I feel still remains.
How quickly we forget that even those who have faith in the God of all comfort can experience intense emotional pain. This week reminded me of that for sure. I've asked God lots of questions; I've been open and honest with how overwhelmed I've felt by the shock; I've sobbed spontaneously on more than one, two, or three occasions. I cannot tell you that I have it all together, or that I feel complete peace in my heart. Chaos and confusion surround me. Doubt and disbelief fille my thoughts. My emotions certainly do not seem to logically reflect my faith. . . and honestly, that bothers me.
Even in knowing the truth of God's word, of his unfailing love, grief has the unmatched ability to cloud my understanding or experience of what I know in my head to be true. I don't get how grief can do that so effectively. I haven't taken a class on death, grief, and dying yet, though I plan to at some point for my minor. Maybe then I'll be able to explain the powerful effects of grief. But for now, all I know is my experience of it.
I've been tempted to criticize myself for not having a "strong enough" faith, evidenced by my intense anguish I've felt recently over a tragic loss in our family. But criticism doesn't seem right either. During those times, I try remind myself of the account of when Jesus was in the garden on the Mount of Olives the night before his cruxificion. After Jesus prays his prayer, "...not my will, but yours be done" Luke writes in chapter 22 that "an angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground" (v. 42-44).
The thing that I love the most about these few verses is that even after the angel came and strengthened Jesus, he was still in anguish. Jesus--God incarnate--was in anguish. I can only imagine that Jesus must have been grieving over his own death before it came to pass, although that probably only begins to scratch the surface of the mix of emotions that he must've felt that night.
There's no doubt that my hope is in the Lord my God, who strengthens me in my weakness, hears me when I call, and knows each tear that falls from my face---I know this to be true---yet, grief and anguish have consumed much of my energy this past week. My heart is still not yet at ease, but I've felt God's presence in the midst of that. He has handled me and the hot mess that I am very well. Surely if Jesus could express his anguish even after being divinely strengthened, he must understand.
So I'm not going to fake that I'm okay. I'm still confused and hurt, but I think that God needs our hurt and pain. He probably wants us to give it to him because after all, Jesus died to take on all the sins of the world, and isn't sin at the root of any hurt or pain we experience? Hiding our pain from him or just trying to stuff it down and ignore it doesn't do anyone any good. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be feeling the things that I feel, but seriously, when it comes down it, God already knows us more than we know ourselves, so expressing our feelings to Him isn't going to come as a shock. His love for us is unconditional. By taking that in, we can all let out a big sigh of relief!
We are not commanded or expected to "have it all together" or know all the "right" answers or be "completely sure" of every aspect of our faith. God's grace is sufficient, even in our weakness, in our confusion, and in our doubts. His love is unfailing even when we don't understand the how or the why.
"I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a
parched land."
~ Psalm 143:6
"We wait in hope for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us,
O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."
~ Psalm 33:20-22
~ Psalm 33:20-22
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Any Other Way: ALPACA?
"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection
and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings,
becoming like him in his death,
and so, somehow,
to attain to the resurrection from the dead."
~ Philippians 3:10
Sometimes it’s hard to be thankful for the difficult and
trying weeks. Most people don’t naturally embrace pain. I sure know that I
don’t. The countless ways that I know how to reduce pain and my stubborn
curiosity for finding new pain management techniques prove that I don’t enjoy
living under physical distress nor do I find pleasure in the actual experience
of suffering. This week was one of those weeks where I wished more than
anything for relief from illness, from migraines, from fatigue: the things that
drained me dry, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
In search of a thankful spirit within my broken and contrite
heart, I found great peace and comfort through the songs on my playlist for the
week. Tenth Avenue North’s albums The
Light Meets the Dark and Over and
Underneath were on repeat on my ipod, and I really enjoyed actually having
time, despite the accompanying migraines, to listen to the lyrics of many songs that I had never taken the time to
listen all the way through.
One such song in particular has been “Any Other Way” which talks about how pain is necessary for love to exist:
It’s not enough, it’s not enough
Just to say that you’re okay
I need your hurt
I need your pain
It’s not love any other way
Take a listen to what the lead singer of Tenth Avenue North
has to say about the meaning behind the song.
He says it better than I could...
I feel like so often we’re tempted, or at least I am, to put on our rose-colored glasses
and idealize love in a way that distorts the essence of what love is. Love
isn’t always easy. Love carries us through our struggles, our hurt, and our
pain. Love doesn’t run away when the going gets tough. Love sticks by us not
matter what. Love bids us to come as we are and welcomes us with arms wide
open. Love is forever and a day. Nothing can scare it away---not even pain.
With Jesus by my side this week even as I laid in bed (or on
the floor…) too sick to take care of myself, this is the love that comforted
me. Christ's love—expressed through the compassionate actions of friends as close as
family, the prayers of dedicated saints back home, the grace from my
understanding professors and faculty at Messiah, and even the lyrics of simple
songs—comforted me. In these little things, which were actually really big things this week, I saw and felt the greatness of God’s
love.
God loved me by sending his son to suffer the ultimate pain, so that “By his wounds," truth be told, "you have been healed” (1 Peter 2:24). This amazing truth always gives us a reason to be thankful even when our present circumstances may seem less than desirable. I've clung to that verse this week, and I hope it can encourage you as well in whatever you're going through.
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| 52 Week Project 2012 ~ 13/52 ~ Horsey & Alpaca!! =) |
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Longing For Where I Belong
In my last post I wrote about how I've experienced God as my shatter-proof refuge through the shock and disillusionment of unexpected troubles and difficulties. When we trust in the Lord, who acts as our strength and our stronghold in times of trouble--our Rescue and our Deliverer--the trials we face possess the unmatched potential of developing within us an irrevocable desire for eternity. Hurt and pain can either drive our hearts into the ground or intensify our longing for that hopeful day when we'll experience complete healing and renewal. Nurturing this craving, as opposed to ignoring it or writing it off as a far-off fantasy, has been essential to my spiritual, physical, and emotional well-being and has drastically transformed both my understanding of God and my relationship with Him.
Have you ever felt frustrated, discouraged, or dismayed by the pain and the suffering you see throughout the world--natural disasters, poverty, oppression? Have you ever felt outraged by the evil of our day that has polluted innocent children like those in Uganda--KONY 2012 anyone? Have you ever felt that this is not how life should be, that there's gotta be more than this?
On a smaller scale, when we see abandoned buildings, or trees split by lightning, or thorns and thistle choking the life out of plants, we often have a similar reaction...that is, assuming we take the time to react. We know that the sad remnant in front of us does not line up with its original purpose or design. Even if we simply look away and refuse to acknowledge the brokenness, that reaction still speaks to our desire for wholeness, for a world where life and love reign, for something more than this. Our normal reactions, and whatever emotions they encompass, indicate our recognition that something is wrong with this picture.
However, despite these reactions, I also suggest that just as everything has a purpose--form does not exist without function--the existence of pain and suffering conveys the fact that it, too, must have a function. My psychology book presents pain as a biopsychosocial phenomenon that we must seek to understand in terms of its biological, psychological, and social influences. It argues the purpose of pain lies its message, which warns us that something is wrong. If pain indicates that something is wrong, the logical flip-side to this phenomenon illustrates the "rightness" of a time and place free from pain.
I'd like to encourage you in the midst of the confusion and chaos by proposing that the very existence of your feelings of frustration and wonder suggests that this is not how the world was originally meant to be and that there is, indeed, something better yet to come. Otherwise, we would not have a problem with pain and suffering nor would we have a desire to see it to go away.
With that logic in mind, I believe we can confidently and rationally justify our hope and our longing for Heaven, the place where pain and suffering cease to exist. Through eyes of faith, we can view our present suffering as a promise of the future glory that will soon be revealed to us. Until that day, we continue to persevere in faith, being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see. We continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ who entered into our suffering and took it on completely so that we could have the opportunity to take on his righteousness and his glory if we so choose. We shall continue to rest in the arms of our God, who created us out of love and desires to comfort us and pour out his blessing upon us in the midst of our pain. We continue to live with the perspective that this world is not our final destination. We were created for perfect relation with God which is why our hearts long for something more than the brokenness that we experience here on this earth. Not only do we feel it, but nature feels the same deep ache and groans in anticipation for the day of redemption as well. Restoration is coming!
If home is where the heart is, I hope that we will embrace the truth that Heaven is our home because our hearts belong with the One who "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). His name is Jesus.
Have you ever felt frustrated, discouraged, or dismayed by the pain and the suffering you see throughout the world--natural disasters, poverty, oppression? Have you ever felt outraged by the evil of our day that has polluted innocent children like those in Uganda--KONY 2012 anyone? Have you ever felt that this is not how life should be, that there's gotta be more than this?
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| 52 Week Project 2012 ~ 10/52 Warwick Furnace |
However, despite these reactions, I also suggest that just as everything has a purpose--form does not exist without function--the existence of pain and suffering conveys the fact that it, too, must have a function. My psychology book presents pain as a biopsychosocial phenomenon that we must seek to understand in terms of its biological, psychological, and social influences. It argues the purpose of pain lies its message, which warns us that something is wrong. If pain indicates that something is wrong, the logical flip-side to this phenomenon illustrates the "rightness" of a time and place free from pain.
I'd like to encourage you in the midst of the confusion and chaos by proposing that the very existence of your feelings of frustration and wonder suggests that this is not how the world was originally meant to be and that there is, indeed, something better yet to come. Otherwise, we would not have a problem with pain and suffering nor would we have a desire to see it to go away.
With that logic in mind, I believe we can confidently and rationally justify our hope and our longing for Heaven, the place where pain and suffering cease to exist. Through eyes of faith, we can view our present suffering as a promise of the future glory that will soon be revealed to us. Until that day, we continue to persevere in faith, being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see. We continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ who entered into our suffering and took it on completely so that we could have the opportunity to take on his righteousness and his glory if we so choose. We shall continue to rest in the arms of our God, who created us out of love and desires to comfort us and pour out his blessing upon us in the midst of our pain. We continue to live with the perspective that this world is not our final destination. We were created for perfect relation with God which is why our hearts long for something more than the brokenness that we experience here on this earth. Not only do we feel it, but nature feels the same deep ache and groans in anticipation for the day of redemption as well. Restoration is coming!
If home is where the heart is, I hope that we will embrace the truth that Heaven is our home because our hearts belong with the One who "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). His name is Jesus.
"...and my soul is getting restless for the place where I belong, I can't wait to join the angels and sing my Heaven song"
~ Heaven Song by Phil Wickham
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Just Keep Swimming
Over the past week and a half, I feel like I've been developing, or redeveloping, Dory's philosophy of "Just Keep Swimming" in spite of the fear and anxiety brought on by the unknown. I'd like to say first of all to anyone who thinks that Disney/Pixar movies are childish and lacking in substance, you are very much mistaken and I pity you. Open your eyes! There are important life lessons that can be discovered through the dynamic characters, even though they are just cartoons.
With that said, I'd like to share with you, as promised, the news we received last Tuesday from the testing that this new doctor performed. It was a very, VERY long day, and a lot of information was thrown at us. We all, my family and I, needed a good deal of time to absorb it, wrestle with it, cry over it, and pray through it. That's why it's taken me a week and a half to bring myself to write this post. Even now I don't have it all sorted out, but I can at least share what I know as well as some more specific prayer requests we have now as a result of obtaining this new information.
The tests pretty much confirmed most of the things that we suspected have been making me sick; however, due to the inaccuracy, and thus lack of dependency on the traditional blood tests, I had only tested positive for Rickekisia, other wise known as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, which is a tick-born disease. These tests were different though because they used frequencies to determine if certain parasites, bacteria, and viruses are hiding inside my cells. Just because something is inside the cell does not mean it will necessarily show up in the blood, so it makes that the blood tests would come back negative. I tested positive for ten different bugs: three parasites, four kinds of bacteria, and one virus. Two of the bacteria have two different strains though, so it's really a total six of the little buggers. Some of the more commons ones include Borellia (Lyme disease), Babesia, Strep, RMSF, and feline leukemia---all very interesting...
The tests also showed that my whole body has been affected by these infections. Almost all of my organ systems are considered "weak areas" but especially my thyroid, liver, spleen, adrenal, and hippocampus (short-term memory). The goal is to be at least functioning at 70% in each area but those areas in my body are all bottoming out at a mere 60% . . . Not O.K.
So what this means is that after nearly a year of antibiotic protocols, I will be starting a new treatment plan the second week in August after we get back from Florida. This doctor treats with herbs, however I can keep taking my antibiotics in the beginning to keep some of my dorment symptoms from reawakening. Each bug must be treated individually, one at a time. There is an herb kit for each bug which lasts 18-21 days if all goes well...so doing the math, it'll be at least 200 days, which is about 7 months of treatment if I'm able to do one right after the other at full strength. The doctor seems very confident that I will feel better after this, but he said I may experience some side effects from the herbs that could range from mild to severe (we'll be praying for no side effects at all though right?!?!) He also wants to give both me and my sister Lauren (who is also sick with similar but different bugs) these shots to help boost our organ functions, which should also help with my short-term memory loss.
The short-term memory loss (and cognitive impairment) has definitely been most frustrating, regardless of how much we joke about it at times. That's another area in which I can identify with Dory---this has been going on, remember, for over two and a half years. It's been a long time. I've regressed, hit rock bottom, progressed, plateaued, regressed again, and gone up and down a lot. That's the nature of these infections. If that doesn't take you on an emotional roller coaster than I don't know what would! I have had my good days and my bad days. Sometimes I get tired of it all and just wanna give up, but my fear of what giving up looks like helps me to endure just a little bit longer.
It's in the fight that hope can be renewed, providing the strength, patience, and perspective needed to persevere. I've grown much stronger as a result of this sickness, this seemingly unending trial, but I can honestly tell you that my strength does not arise from myself. The strength I use to fight this battle is rooted in the joy of the Lord, Jesus Christ the Risen King. He didn't come to save us from suffering, but rather to enter into it with us, both in the moment of his crucifixion as well as in our present suffering. If Jesus was able to defeat death, which he did, and if I have the power that raised Christ from the dead in me, which I do, than certainly I can defeat this illness. I will do so by lifting my eyes above my suffering to my Father and Savior in Heaven whose grace is sufficient for me, whose power is made perfect in weakness, whose love endures forever, whose mercy reaches to the sky.
When you lift your eyes to the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the weight of the dirt and grime of this life diminishes. He lifts the burden. He makes the load lighter. The miraculous discovery of joy, not just happiness which proves ever so fleeting but deep joy amidst pain and suffering---the joy of the Lord, my friends--is a beautiful thing; a blessing in disguise; a fine treasure that can only be found in the deepest, darkest mines of life's valleys. My heart grieves for those who refuse, dismiss, or neglect the beauty these landmarks of suffering have to offer, for in doing so, they will most likely overlook the greatest treasure that man could ever possess this side of Heaven.
I just want to take one last moment and thank everyone who has been praying for me, specifically through these tests, as well as the neurological testing I had done on Monday--we won't get those results for another six weeks or so. Don't forget that prayer is soooo powerful. So often, we have not because we ask not. As we seek God's face, may He direct our paths. He knows our every need, and He's in control over it all. The God who spoke and this world came to be is the God who holds you and me in the palm of His hand. He's been faithful thus far. He has proven Himself trustworthy. So I'm gonna keep trusting Him. He knows this is gonna make me stronger; us stronger. The Potter just knows these things.
With that said, I'd like to share with you, as promised, the news we received last Tuesday from the testing that this new doctor performed. It was a very, VERY long day, and a lot of information was thrown at us. We all, my family and I, needed a good deal of time to absorb it, wrestle with it, cry over it, and pray through it. That's why it's taken me a week and a half to bring myself to write this post. Even now I don't have it all sorted out, but I can at least share what I know as well as some more specific prayer requests we have now as a result of obtaining this new information.
The tests pretty much confirmed most of the things that we suspected have been making me sick; however, due to the inaccuracy, and thus lack of dependency on the traditional blood tests, I had only tested positive for Rickekisia, other wise known as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, which is a tick-born disease. These tests were different though because they used frequencies to determine if certain parasites, bacteria, and viruses are hiding inside my cells. Just because something is inside the cell does not mean it will necessarily show up in the blood, so it makes that the blood tests would come back negative. I tested positive for ten different bugs: three parasites, four kinds of bacteria, and one virus. Two of the bacteria have two different strains though, so it's really a total six of the little buggers. Some of the more commons ones include Borellia (Lyme disease), Babesia, Strep, RMSF, and feline leukemia---all very interesting...
The tests also showed that my whole body has been affected by these infections. Almost all of my organ systems are considered "weak areas" but especially my thyroid, liver, spleen, adrenal, and hippocampus (short-term memory). The goal is to be at least functioning at 70% in each area but those areas in my body are all bottoming out at a mere 60% . . . Not O.K.
So what this means is that after nearly a year of antibiotic protocols, I will be starting a new treatment plan the second week in August after we get back from Florida. This doctor treats with herbs, however I can keep taking my antibiotics in the beginning to keep some of my dorment symptoms from reawakening. Each bug must be treated individually, one at a time. There is an herb kit for each bug which lasts 18-21 days if all goes well...so doing the math, it'll be at least 200 days, which is about 7 months of treatment if I'm able to do one right after the other at full strength. The doctor seems very confident that I will feel better after this, but he said I may experience some side effects from the herbs that could range from mild to severe (we'll be praying for no side effects at all though right?!?!) He also wants to give both me and my sister Lauren (who is also sick with similar but different bugs) these shots to help boost our organ functions, which should also help with my short-term memory loss.
The short-term memory loss (and cognitive impairment) has definitely been most frustrating, regardless of how much we joke about it at times. That's another area in which I can identify with Dory---this has been going on, remember, for over two and a half years. It's been a long time. I've regressed, hit rock bottom, progressed, plateaued, regressed again, and gone up and down a lot. That's the nature of these infections. If that doesn't take you on an emotional roller coaster than I don't know what would! I have had my good days and my bad days. Sometimes I get tired of it all and just wanna give up, but my fear of what giving up looks like helps me to endure just a little bit longer.
It's in the fight that hope can be renewed, providing the strength, patience, and perspective needed to persevere. I've grown much stronger as a result of this sickness, this seemingly unending trial, but I can honestly tell you that my strength does not arise from myself. The strength I use to fight this battle is rooted in the joy of the Lord, Jesus Christ the Risen King. He didn't come to save us from suffering, but rather to enter into it with us, both in the moment of his crucifixion as well as in our present suffering. If Jesus was able to defeat death, which he did, and if I have the power that raised Christ from the dead in me, which I do, than certainly I can defeat this illness. I will do so by lifting my eyes above my suffering to my Father and Savior in Heaven whose grace is sufficient for me, whose power is made perfect in weakness, whose love endures forever, whose mercy reaches to the sky.
When you lift your eyes to the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the weight of the dirt and grime of this life diminishes. He lifts the burden. He makes the load lighter. The miraculous discovery of joy, not just happiness which proves ever so fleeting but deep joy amidst pain and suffering---the joy of the Lord, my friends--is a beautiful thing; a blessing in disguise; a fine treasure that can only be found in the deepest, darkest mines of life's valleys. My heart grieves for those who refuse, dismiss, or neglect the beauty these landmarks of suffering have to offer, for in doing so, they will most likely overlook the greatest treasure that man could ever possess this side of Heaven.
I just want to take one last moment and thank everyone who has been praying for me, specifically through these tests, as well as the neurological testing I had done on Monday--we won't get those results for another six weeks or so. Don't forget that prayer is soooo powerful. So often, we have not because we ask not. As we seek God's face, may He direct our paths. He knows our every need, and He's in control over it all. The God who spoke and this world came to be is the God who holds you and me in the palm of His hand. He's been faithful thus far. He has proven Himself trustworthy. So I'm gonna keep trusting Him. He knows this is gonna make me stronger; us stronger. The Potter just knows these things.
I'm loving this song right now. "Stronger" by Mandisa. Check it out :)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Experiencing Power in Weakness
I’m so glad that I was able to go to youth group tonight because I came away refreshed, with a deeper understanding of a lesson that I thought I had on lock. Let me explain.
One major truth that God has been showing me through out what at times seems like a never-ending trial, is that weakness is not something to be looked down upon, but rather embraced. The message tonight was so encouraging and exactly what I needed to hear. Despite having a really bad headache, I got a lot out of it. I’m just going to share a little and hopefully someone will also be moved by it.
Mike, the pastor of the high school ministry at our church, started off with some background on the Hebrew culture during the time of Jesus’ ministry, which shed a new light on some familiar passages. In those days, rabbis (spiritual teachers) had very prestigious roles in society. Similar to a doctor, or a lawyer, or a rocket scientist, rabbis were held above other occupations. As a result, they also had money. Families who were "well off" would send their children, at age SIX, to study under a rabbi in hopes of them learning, growing, and becoming a rabbi themselves. However, it was not an easy undertaking in the least. By age ten, they needed to have the Torah, the first five books of the Bible, memorized. I've recently read through Leviticus, and well, you try reading through it if that statement doesn't shock you. At that point, the rabbi would decide who had the most potential to learn the best and then send the rest back home where they would resort to learning the family trade—carpentry, fishing, blacksmithing? Or whatever it may be. By age fourteen, those who made the cut and remained under the rabbi’s direction would have the entire Hebrew Bible memorized! Woahhh! Crazy stuff right?! The rabbi would then make another cut, deciding who would stay and who would go home. By the end, I guess after more years of training and more cuts, only one or two students would remain, and so they would eventually “graduate”, become rabbis, do ministry, and continue the cycle.
Before people acknowledged Jesus as the Son of the Most High God, he was recognized as a teacher like the rabbis, specifically, though, as "one who taught with authority." Jesus was counter-cultural.
One major truth that God has been showing me through out what at times seems like a never-ending trial, is that weakness is not something to be looked down upon, but rather embraced. The message tonight was so encouraging and exactly what I needed to hear. Despite having a really bad headache, I got a lot out of it. I’m just going to share a little and hopefully someone will also be moved by it.
Mike, the pastor of the high school ministry at our church, started off with some background on the Hebrew culture during the time of Jesus’ ministry, which shed a new light on some familiar passages. In those days, rabbis (spiritual teachers) had very prestigious roles in society. Similar to a doctor, or a lawyer, or a rocket scientist, rabbis were held above other occupations. As a result, they also had money. Families who were "well off" would send their children, at age SIX, to study under a rabbi in hopes of them learning, growing, and becoming a rabbi themselves. However, it was not an easy undertaking in the least. By age ten, they needed to have the Torah, the first five books of the Bible, memorized. I've recently read through Leviticus, and well, you try reading through it if that statement doesn't shock you. At that point, the rabbi would decide who had the most potential to learn the best and then send the rest back home where they would resort to learning the family trade—carpentry, fishing, blacksmithing? Or whatever it may be. By age fourteen, those who made the cut and remained under the rabbi’s direction would have the entire Hebrew Bible memorized! Woahhh! Crazy stuff right?! The rabbi would then make another cut, deciding who would stay and who would go home. By the end, I guess after more years of training and more cuts, only one or two students would remain, and so they would eventually “graduate”, become rabbis, do ministry, and continue the cycle.
Before people acknowledged Jesus as the Son of the Most High God, he was recognized as a teacher like the rabbis, specifically, though, as "one who taught with authority." Jesus was counter-cultural.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Life-giving Joy
Walking by faith and not by sight is the way of the few. We are innately more inclined to trust ourselves, relying on our own strength rather than to take a risk, a step of faith, and trust the Maker of the Universe, relying on His strength. I think one significant explanation of this comes from our misunderstanding of God’s will for our lives.
We all desire to be happy. We wish for good health, safety for our loved ones, and comfort in material things like a warm house to live in, a nice car to drive, and fashionable clothes to wear. That’s along the lines of what everyone wants in life, right? And none of those wishes are bad. The Declaration of Independence even states that “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness” are among our “unalienable rights,” and are the sovereign rights of man.
I have to wonder though, if by viewing ourselves as entitled to happiness, or allowing our souls to be misdirected in sole pursuit of happiness, do we lose sight of the truth that God’s will for us is not to be happy, but joyful? Joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit, which is produced in us when we are truly abiding in Christ (John 15:1-17). Happiness, however, is not listed as a fruit of the Spirit, and is a mere emotion based on changing circumstances. I encourage you to take a look at Ephesians 5:16-26 right now and check it out for yourself.
The difference between happiness and joy is very important to understand, especially for the Christian. Picture Happiness being on one side of the Grand Canyon and Joy on the other. There is a great chasm separating the two. It would require enormous effort to cross over from the side of happiness to the side of joy, and you must expect the journey would be quite painful and exhausting. And that it is. Because joy does not come easy, I feel confident enough to suggest that few really ever experience it in this life.
In his book Shattered Dreams: God’s Unexpected Path to Joy Larry Crabb writes, “Happy people rarely look for joy. They’re quite content with what they have. The foundation of their life consists of the blessings they enjoy.” This may easily describe many of us who live comfortably. Crabb further goes on to challenging that “Happy people do not love well. Joyful people do.” If this is true, and we know that the Greatest Commandment is to love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself, then we need to seriously examine where we are right now. We as Christians are called to live a life of love. People should know us by our love. Maybe they don’t because we have yet to taste the fruit of joy for ourselves.
He concludes with this convicting paragraph: “Only a few in any generation believe that the weight of knowing God is a blessing heavier (and by that I mean more wonderful) than every other. And those who believe it appear to have developed that conviction only through suffering. Happiness must be stripped away, forcibly, before joy can surface, before we will value and pursue dreams whose fulfillment produces true joy.”
Leaving behind the pleasant feelings that pleasant circumstances generate in order to venture down the rocky road to joy is not easy. In order to experience true joy, though, and then love for real, we must experience deep suffering. Luckily for those who have placed their trust in Jesus Christ, there is hope. That hope, however, does not mean a life free from suffering. No. There is no shortcut to joy, but that’s for our own good. “For Jesus, the answer to suffering is to suffer intensely, and then to walk through that pain—through prayer, the Word, spiritual disciplines, and community—toward the center of your soul where above all else you desire God.” We must hurt when we hurt. We are not doing ourselves any favors by pretending we’re okay. Rushing recovery to escape the pain is no good either. Haste makes waste, right? But BE ENCOURAGED! “Shattered dreams are the prelude to joy. Always. In the middle of our pain, God is working for our joy. At some point, He works in ways we can see.”
There is no greater joy than knowing and experiencing God. Apart from God, who is the giver of joy, we are unable to experience real love and love others, for God is love. Happiness found in temporary things will only last for a lifetime and then fade away. Joy rooted in hope that’s produced from suffering, however, will carry us through the hardships of this world and into the Heavenly realm of eternity where we will forever rest in the presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. That’s what makes this life worth living. I pray that you all find that life-giving joy. And remember, God works all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).
We all desire to be happy. We wish for good health, safety for our loved ones, and comfort in material things like a warm house to live in, a nice car to drive, and fashionable clothes to wear. That’s along the lines of what everyone wants in life, right? And none of those wishes are bad. The Declaration of Independence even states that “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness” are among our “unalienable rights,” and are the sovereign rights of man.
I have to wonder though, if by viewing ourselves as entitled to happiness, or allowing our souls to be misdirected in sole pursuit of happiness, do we lose sight of the truth that God’s will for us is not to be happy, but joyful? Joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit, which is produced in us when we are truly abiding in Christ (John 15:1-17). Happiness, however, is not listed as a fruit of the Spirit, and is a mere emotion based on changing circumstances. I encourage you to take a look at Ephesians 5:16-26 right now and check it out for yourself.
The difference between happiness and joy is very important to understand, especially for the Christian. Picture Happiness being on one side of the Grand Canyon and Joy on the other. There is a great chasm separating the two. It would require enormous effort to cross over from the side of happiness to the side of joy, and you must expect the journey would be quite painful and exhausting. And that it is. Because joy does not come easy, I feel confident enough to suggest that few really ever experience it in this life.
In his book Shattered Dreams: God’s Unexpected Path to Joy Larry Crabb writes, “Happy people rarely look for joy. They’re quite content with what they have. The foundation of their life consists of the blessings they enjoy.” This may easily describe many of us who live comfortably. Crabb further goes on to challenging that “Happy people do not love well. Joyful people do.” If this is true, and we know that the Greatest Commandment is to love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself, then we need to seriously examine where we are right now. We as Christians are called to live a life of love. People should know us by our love. Maybe they don’t because we have yet to taste the fruit of joy for ourselves.
He concludes with this convicting paragraph: “Only a few in any generation believe that the weight of knowing God is a blessing heavier (and by that I mean more wonderful) than every other. And those who believe it appear to have developed that conviction only through suffering. Happiness must be stripped away, forcibly, before joy can surface, before we will value and pursue dreams whose fulfillment produces true joy.”
Leaving behind the pleasant feelings that pleasant circumstances generate in order to venture down the rocky road to joy is not easy. In order to experience true joy, though, and then love for real, we must experience deep suffering. Luckily for those who have placed their trust in Jesus Christ, there is hope. That hope, however, does not mean a life free from suffering. No. There is no shortcut to joy, but that’s for our own good. “For Jesus, the answer to suffering is to suffer intensely, and then to walk through that pain—through prayer, the Word, spiritual disciplines, and community—toward the center of your soul where above all else you desire God.” We must hurt when we hurt. We are not doing ourselves any favors by pretending we’re okay. Rushing recovery to escape the pain is no good either. Haste makes waste, right? But BE ENCOURAGED! “Shattered dreams are the prelude to joy. Always. In the middle of our pain, God is working for our joy. At some point, He works in ways we can see.”
There is no greater joy than knowing and experiencing God. Apart from God, who is the giver of joy, we are unable to experience real love and love others, for God is love. Happiness found in temporary things will only last for a lifetime and then fade away. Joy rooted in hope that’s produced from suffering, however, will carry us through the hardships of this world and into the Heavenly realm of eternity where we will forever rest in the presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. That’s what makes this life worth living. I pray that you all find that life-giving joy. And remember, God works all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).
Monday, January 24, 2011
The first step is always the hardest
First and foremost, I am a child of God, a daughter of the King. I believe that if God brings me to face a particular trial, no matter how difficult and enduring it may be, then He will also bring me through it. Though I'm young at a mere nineteen years of age, I have experienced the pain felt by shattered dreams and the fear of dreaming again. However, I'm beginning to realize that all my dreams are lesser dreams compared to knowing and experiencing God, the maker of the Universe, in a real and personal way. No other dream can provide and sustain the joy that comes from knowing God.
For the past two years I have suffered greatly from Lyme disease as well as various co-infections, and I am almost four months into treatment right now. It's been a rough two years, and I have a long, hard road ahead of me before I am completely healed. I know, however, how much I've grown as a person through this trial in spite of the suffering, and I eagerly look forward to seeing how God will mold me and grow me each day. My family, friends, and most importantly, my faith in God have encouraged me to keep persevering even when I see little or no hope. My prayer is that all who stumble upon my blog would be enlightened to the depths of their souls and be encouraged to press on when the troubles of life seem insurmountable. My deepest desire is to bring glory to God by being a blessing to others.
I've heard God tell me multiple times that I ought to start a blog to express and share with others the wonderful work He's doing in my life. I've ignored his voice far too long. After a little push (or, well, threat) from a friend, here I am. I am thankful for this open door, and desire to use my talents and passion for writing for God's Kingdom here. Just like being baptized is a public expression of faith and a spiritual act of obedience, starting this blog is a huge step of faith for me and an act of obedience that I should've taken months ago. So here we go. "I baptize you in the name of the Father, in the name of the Son, and in the name of the Holy Spirit." Wooo-hooo!!!
For the past two years I have suffered greatly from Lyme disease as well as various co-infections, and I am almost four months into treatment right now. It's been a rough two years, and I have a long, hard road ahead of me before I am completely healed. I know, however, how much I've grown as a person through this trial in spite of the suffering, and I eagerly look forward to seeing how God will mold me and grow me each day. My family, friends, and most importantly, my faith in God have encouraged me to keep persevering even when I see little or no hope. My prayer is that all who stumble upon my blog would be enlightened to the depths of their souls and be encouraged to press on when the troubles of life seem insurmountable. My deepest desire is to bring glory to God by being a blessing to others.
I've heard God tell me multiple times that I ought to start a blog to express and share with others the wonderful work He's doing in my life. I've ignored his voice far too long. After a little push (or, well, threat) from a friend, here I am. I am thankful for this open door, and desire to use my talents and passion for writing for God's Kingdom here. Just like being baptized is a public expression of faith and a spiritual act of obedience, starting this blog is a huge step of faith for me and an act of obedience that I should've taken months ago. So here we go. "I baptize you in the name of the Father, in the name of the Son, and in the name of the Holy Spirit." Wooo-hooo!!!
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