Purify Us, Oh Lord.

Lately, I've been reading a fabulous devotional book entitled Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman. The updated edition in today's language has been a huge encouragement to me each time I sit down to read what it has to say. There are quite a few day's thoughts I wanted to re-post, but the one for today is especially near and dear to my heart.

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. (Malachi 3:3)

Our Father, who seeks to perfect His saints in holiness, knows the value of the refiner's fire. It is with the most precious metals that a metallurgist will take the greatest care. He subjects the metal to a hot fire, for only the refiner's fire will melt the metal, release the dross, and allow the remaining, pure metal to take a new and perfect shape in the mold.

A good refiner never leaves the crucible but, as the above verse indicates, "will sit" down by it so the fire will not become even one degree too hot and possibly harm the metal. And as soon as he skims the last bit of dross from the surface and sees his face reflected in the pure metal, he extinguishes the fire.
Arthur Tappan Pierson


He sat by a fire of seven-fold heat,

    As He looked at the precious ore,

And closer He bent with a searching gaze

   As He heated it more and more.

He knew He had ore that could stand the test,

   And He wanted the finest gold

To mold as a crown for the King to wear,

   Set with gems with a price untold.

So He laid our gold in the burning fire,

    Though we would have asked for delay,

And He watched the dross that we had not seen,

    And it melted and passed away.

And the gold grew brighter and yet more bright,

    But our eyes were so dim with tears,

We saw but the fire–not the Master’s hand,

    And questioned with anxious fears.

Yet our gold shone out with a richer glow,

    As it mirrored a Form above,

That bent o’er the fire, though unseen by us,

    With a look of unspeakable love.

Should we think that it pleases His loving heart

    To cause us a moment’s pain?

Not so! for He saw through the present cross

    The joy of eternal gain.

So He waited there with a watchful eye,

   With a love that is strong and sure,

And His gold did not suffer a bit more heat,

    Than was needed to make it pure.

Chasing the Wind

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 8/52

The picture to the left has an interesting story behind it, one which most people would probably be too embarrassed to tell, but I'm going to share it anyway. 

As a preface, it's important that you know, this past week has overwhelmed me to the max. Five tests and one big project stretched my mental limits, my lack of sleep due to that insane work load pushed me physically and emotionally and, also, probably had something to do with why I felt so sick--worse headaches and nausea--especially towards the end of the week.

All that to say, on Wednesday, I desperately needed an afternoon nap. My body and mind wouldn't compromise with me on that. It was an absolutely BEAUTIFUL sunny and 60 degree day outside, birds chirping and all. The last place I wanted to spend my afternoon was cooped up inside my dorm room, but that's where the story of this week's picture begins.

I gave up what I imagined to be the perfect time of day to take pictures and granted my body and mind some extra time to rest and recuperate before I would force it to stay up until two in the morning to study again for yet another test. After nestling myself under the covers, I dozed off to the sound of the wind blowing in through my window, the coolness of its calming breeze sweeping over me, bringing with it renewed energy and a sense of wholeness. With each passing minute, the sun dropped lower in the sky. Upon reaching the opening of my 2nd story window, its rays gently poured into my room, filling it to the rhythm of the wind.

I awoke to the beat of the breeze with the syncopation of the sunshine. My first instinct was to hide under the covers, shield my eyes from the light, and rest some more. And yet, I'm glad that the wind blew so obnoxiously strong that afternoon because it forced me to wake from my slumber and roll out of bed into the shrinking darkness. I had not the option to ignore the wind nor the sunshine; their harmonious beauty captivated my attention and refused to let it go.

So up I went, out of bed, stumbling over my feet in search of my camera, intending on quickly snapping a picture of the wind that woke me from my much-needed nap time.  204 photos and nearly 45 minutes later, I climbed back into bed even more amazed and reflected on the subtly in which God often chooses to bless his beloved children if only they took the time to notice.

 I thought I needed physical rest in the form of a nice nap. What really refreshed me, though, was having the chance to nourish my soul through encountering the beauty of God in his creation and attempting to capture that beauty with my creativity and camera in hand.

For week 8 of my 52 Week Project, I wanted a picture of the wind. After over 200 attempts, I realized that taking a picture of the wind proves to be a lofty task. In reality, I can only try to capture the effects of the wind. You may be thinking I'm crazy, but I'm not really even embarrassed that I tried for so long to do what any rational person would never think of trying because the process itself evolved into a precious Blessing in Disguise.

By focusing on the actual cause of the effects that I could see from the wind, I learned so much more about God. A lot of people like to say that God is like the wind--you can't see him, but you know he's there because you can feel him and see his effects on people and creation. With relative ease, we can capture the effects of the wind in the same way that we can often see the hand of God at work. However, I feel that it is exponentially crucial to the nourishment of our souls that we never give up seeking the face of God--or focusing on the wind--even though we may never understand his syncopated rhythm, his silence, or his beats in the breeze. We need not feel ashamed of pursuing something, someOne, that we cannot see; he's there; we can feel him. He blesses us through the process of seeking him, which to some may seem as crazy as trying to take a picture of the wind. It may seem impossible at first, but after 204 attempts, the truth stands steady: in Christ alone will we find our rest, our energy, and our purpose. Even when we feel like we're just chasing after the wind, God's promise remains.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." ~ Jeremiah 29:13

Just Keep Swimming

Over the past week and a half, I feel like I've been developing, or redeveloping, Dory's philosophy of "Just Keep Swimming" in spite of the fear and anxiety brought on by the unknown. I'd like to say first of all to anyone who thinks that Disney/Pixar movies are childish and lacking in substance, you are very much mistaken and I pity you. Open your eyes! There are important life lessons that can be discovered through the dynamic characters, even though they are just cartoons. 


With that said, I'd like to share with you, as promised, the news we received last Tuesday from the testing that this new doctor performed. It was a very, VERY long day, and a lot of information was thrown at us. We all, my family and I, needed a good deal of time to absorb it, wrestle with it, cry over it, and pray through it. That's why it's taken me a week and a half to bring myself to write this post. Even now I don't have it all sorted out, but I can at least share what I know as well as some more specific prayer requests we have now as a result of obtaining this new information.


The tests pretty much confirmed most of the things that we suspected have been making me sick; however, due to the inaccuracy, and thus lack of dependency on the traditional blood tests, I had only tested positive for Rickekisia, other wise known as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, which is a tick-born disease. These tests were different though because they used frequencies to determine if certain parasites, bacteria, and viruses are hiding inside my cells. Just because something is inside the cell does not mean it will necessarily show up in the blood, so it makes that the blood tests would come back negative. I tested positive for ten different bugs: three parasites, four kinds of bacteria, and one virus. Two of the bacteria have two different strains though, so it's really a total six of the little buggers. Some of the more commons ones include Borellia (Lyme disease), Babesia, Strep, RMSF, and feline leukemia---all very interesting...


The tests also showed that my whole body has been affected by these infections. Almost all of my organ systems are considered "weak areas" but especially my thyroid, liver, spleen, adrenal, and hippocampus (short-term memory). The goal is to be at least functioning at 70% in each area but those areas in my body are all bottoming out at a mere 60% . . . Not O.K. 


So what this means is that after nearly a year of antibiotic protocols, I will be starting a new treatment plan the second week in August after we get back from Florida. This doctor treats with herbs, however I can keep taking my antibiotics in the beginning to keep some of my dorment symptoms from reawakening. Each bug must be treated individually, one at a time. There is an herb kit for each bug which lasts 18-21 days if all goes well...so doing the math, it'll be at least 200 days, which is about 7 months of treatment if I'm able to do one right after the other at full strength. The doctor seems very confident that I will feel better after this, but he said I may experience some side effects from the herbs that could range from mild to severe (we'll be praying for no side effects at all though right?!?!)  He also wants to give both me and my sister Lauren (who is also sick with similar but different bugs) these shots to help boost our organ functions, which should also help with my short-term memory loss. 


The short-term memory loss (and cognitive impairment) has definitely been most frustrating, regardless of how much we joke about it at times. That's another area in which I can identify with Dory---this has been going on, remember, for over two and a half years. It's been a long time. I've regressed, hit rock bottom, progressed, plateaued, regressed again, and gone up and down a lot. That's the nature of these infections. If that doesn't take you on an emotional roller coaster than I don't know what would! I have had my good days and my bad days. Sometimes I get tired of it all and just wanna give up, but my fear of what giving up looks like helps me to endure just a little bit longer. 


It's in the fight that hope can be renewed, providing the strength, patience, and perspective needed to persevere. I've grown much stronger as a result of this sickness, this seemingly unending trial, but I can honestly tell you that my strength does not arise from myself. The strength I use to fight this battle is rooted in the joy of the Lord, Jesus Christ the Risen King. He didn't come to save us from suffering, but rather to enter into it with us, both in the moment of his crucifixion as well as in our present suffering. If Jesus was able to defeat death, which he did, and if I have the power that raised Christ from the dead in me, which I do, than certainly I can defeat this illness. I will do so by lifting my eyes above my suffering to my Father and Savior in Heaven whose grace is sufficient for me, whose power is made perfect in weakness, whose love endures forever, whose mercy reaches to the sky. 


When you lift your eyes to the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the weight of the dirt and grime of this life diminishes. He lifts the burden. He makes the load lighter. The miraculous discovery of joy, not just happiness which proves ever so fleeting but deep joy amidst pain and suffering---the joy of the Lord, my friends--is a beautiful thing; a blessing in disguise; a fine treasure that can only be found in the deepest, darkest mines of life's valleys. My heart grieves for those who refuse, dismiss, or neglect the beauty these landmarks of suffering have to offer, for in doing so, they will most likely overlook the greatest treasure that man could ever possess this side of Heaven.


I just want to take one last moment and thank everyone who has been praying for me, specifically through these tests, as well as the neurological testing I had done on Monday--we won't get those results for another six weeks or so. Don't forget that prayer is soooo powerful. So often, we have not because we ask not. As we seek God's face, may He direct our paths. He knows our every need, and He's in control over it all. The God who spoke and this world came to be is the God who holds you and me in the palm of His hand. He's been faithful thus far. He has proven Himself trustworthy. So I'm gonna keep trusting Him. He knows this is gonna make me stronger; us stronger. The Potter just knows these things. 

I'm loving this song right now. "Stronger" by Mandisa. Check it out :)