Our Mess. God's Masterpiece.

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 30
Makes me wanna take a backroad =)

Ever have one of those days when you just feel like your thoughts are all over the place? On the one hand, your scatterbrain-ness is everything but productive. On the other hand, you learn a lot about yourself because of your hypersensitivity to the Wheel-of-Thoughts that's spinning in your head. Tick. Tick. Tick. Speeding up and slowing down. Wondering where it's going to stop. $1,000 or BANKRUPT.

If you haven't ever had one of those days (you're just one of those people who are "A-plus" focused all the time), you'll definitely get a feel for it through this post because that's been my day. It started when I left late for my chiropractor appointment this morning and had to turn off the radio because I was utterly distracted by a sea of amazing clouds rolling across the bright blue sky. I say a "sea" because I honestly had to remind myself, "No Elisabeth, that's not the ocean." The clouds seriously looked like crashing waves hitting the sandy coast, though, one after another, just like clockwork. And that's the perfectly timed picture that God painted for me on his Creator-of-the-World-sized canvas this morning. It was exactly what I needed. Even though I was late, I was too distracted by beauty to care, too awestruck by God's hypersensitivity to my scattered thoughts to worry. Somehow God brought peace and calm to my crazy, all-over-the-place-mess of a mind.

And you wanna know what the best part about all of that was? Not that I couldn't stop and take a picture of the sky this morning (because I was late...) but that God left it for me up there on my way home tonight! Never have I been so thankful for a drive through the backroads by my house. It's like God knew or something! (HA...I just laughed at that statement too) I couldn't keep focused on anything else today for very long, but oh my word, that sky! I had no other choice but stop my car a few different times to take some pictures.

You may think I'm a little crazy by now, but God has actually taught me some crazy lessons of trust today through the sky and my ridiculous lack of focus. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it all and find the words to describe to you how God's been moving in my heart today.

I'll start by being honest and say that this week I have worried wayyyyy too much about some decisions I have to make about what this coming semester is going to look like for me. I've felt almost paralyzed by fear of the unknown (a.k.a. my health) and confused whether as to confront those feelings of fear for what they are or listen to them as whispers of discernment. In any case, I have not been trusting the Lord with these decisions. I've been stressing, trying to figure it out on my own, and deceiving myself into thinking that I can keep things under control.

In reality, I'm more of a mess than I usually think I am, and I desperately need to rely on the Lord. I need to trust that his plan for me is perfect, and that nothing--not even my worry, or doubt, or chronic headaches--can get in the way of that perfect plan. For the God who made the sky and the oceans and the sun and everything that has a name and even the things that have yet to be named, is the same God who's in total control over this long, rough season of my life. To me, it feels like a whirlwind; to God, it must feel like...well, I'm honestly not sure, but I know that the winds and the waves stand still at his command, so my crazy life probably doesn't stress him out all that much.

So once again, for anyone who's ever felt like a complete mess, don't think that God won't come and meet you where you are. I know sometimes we all can get self-conscious and would prefer that God not come and see us in a frazzled, bad hair, no make-up kind of day, but God isn't as easily scared off as we think he'd be. Now is not the time to be shy with Him. It's time to be real. Say it how it is. Don't hold back. The God who gave you life is dying to be in a relationship with you; Jesus made that possible through his death and resurrection. He's waiting for you. What are you waiting for?

Maybe tomorrow morning he'll paint you a masterpiece in the sky, so don't forget to look past your mess to see it. Mmk??

Blessings friends!

Any Other Way: ALPACA?

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection

 and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings,

 becoming like him in his death, 

and so, somehow, 

to attain to the resurrection from the dead." 

~ Philippians 3:10

Sometimes it’s hard to be thankful for the difficult and trying weeks. Most people don’t naturally embrace pain. I sure know that I don’t. The countless ways that I know how to reduce pain and my stubborn curiosity for finding new pain management techniques prove that I don’t enjoy living under physical distress nor do I find pleasure in the actual experience of suffering. This week was one of those weeks where I wished more than anything for relief from illness, from migraines, from fatigue: the things that drained me dry, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

In search of a thankful spirit within my broken and contrite heart, I found great peace and comfort through the songs on my playlist for the week. Tenth Avenue North’s albums The Light Meets the Dark and Over and Underneath were on repeat on my ipod, and I really enjoyed actually having time, despite the accompanying migraines, to listen to the lyrics of many songs that I had never taken the time to listen all the way through. 

One such song in particular has been “Any Other Way” which talks about how pain is necessary for love to exist:

It’s not enough, it’s not enough

Just to say that you’re okay

I need your hurt

I need your pain

It’s not love any other way

Take a listen to what the lead singer of Tenth Avenue North 

has to say about the meaning behind the song. 

He says it better than I could...

I feel like so often we’re tempted, or at least I am, to put on our rose-colored glasses and idealize love in a way that distorts the essence of what love is. Love isn’t always easy. Love carries us through our struggles, our hurt, and our pain. Love doesn’t run away when the going gets tough. Love sticks by us not matter what. Love bids us to come as we are and welcomes us with arms wide open. Love is forever and a day. Nothing can scare it away---not even pain. 

With Jesus by my side this week even as I laid in bed (or on the floor…) too sick to take care of myself, this is the love that comforted me. Christ's love—expressed through the compassionate actions of friends as close as family, the prayers of dedicated saints back home, the grace from my understanding professors and faculty at Messiah, and even the lyrics of simple songs—comforted me. In these little things, which were actually really big things this week, I saw and felt the greatness of God’s love.

God loved me by sending his son to suffer the ultimate pain, so that “By his wounds," truth be told, "you have been healed” (1 Peter 2:24). This amazing truth always gives us a reason to be thankful even when our present circumstances may seem less than desirable. I've clung to that verse this week, and I hope it can encourage you as well in whatever you're going through. 

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 13/52 ~ Horsey & Alpaca!! =)

For week 13 of my 52 Week Project, I was blessed to meet this horsey and alpaca--Otto and Taps. I wouldn't have had this opportunity if I wasn't so sick this past week because they were in the backyard of this lady's house where I had a therapy appointment today. Although it may seem out of place, I really like this picture and it definitely means a lot to me. I hope that you all can just embrace the awkward timing of this picture and remember that blessings come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes we can't explain with words why they're blessings, but during those moments, we can be thankful that a picture is worth a thousand words. That's how my week's been, so I'm just gonna leave it at that for now. Isn't that a nice lookin' horsey and alpaca though?? I think so!

Where I was about a year ago: The Awakening

I wanted to share with you an essay that I wrote over a year ago for my 12th grade AP English class, so you can get an idea of where I'm coming from. It is dated November 23, 2009.

A lot has changed since then. Now we have a somewhat conclusive diagnosis of Lyme disease. However, a lot has stayed the same.

It's best if you just read it.


The Awakening

As I awoke with another piercing migraine this morning, discouraging thoughts went racing through my head. I wondered if the pain would ever cease; if all the intercessory prayers, along with my own, would ever receive an affirmative response; if I would ever be able to enjoy my senior year of high school; if I would ever be on top again. Though my head was pounding, I arose from my warm and comfortable, queen-sized bed with a sigh, in order to arrive at yet another doctor’s appointment where I would undergo yet another diagnostic test. The fun just never ends.

This is a typical morning in the life of Elisabeth Edelman—a seventeen year old, chronic migraine sufferer. She has faced abounding disappointments, tainting every area of her life. Elisabeth’s view of hope is now as an unreachable, theoretical concept held captive behind a wall of suffering and despair that is built upon a firm foundation of unfortunate circumstances. Her passions and desires are suppressed by the burdens of the present, and the future is uncertain. Once uncertainty and disappointment merge, discouragement accelerates.

As my mom ignored multiple speed limit signs while driving me to my appointment, I reflected on what had taken place the previous night. Being blindsided in a conversation with my director, I was informed that my spot in a prestigious performance group was questionable. Though I was shocked, I knew my health dictated the action. If I ever thought that my life was hard enough, a curve ball would hit me, thus, convincing me otherwise. In that moment, quiet tears of sadness streamed down my face, being replenished by an overwhelming sense of helplessness. I could do nothing to change the situation.

The performing arts give Elisabeth an outlet to express herself. They are therapeutic in distracting her from the constant, searing pain. The stage is also a place where Elisabeth can do what she does best—act as if she is not suffering. It provides Elisabeth with a mask that she can wear in addition to the armor of courage and stoicism she must put on everyday. While authenticity is adulterated when masks are worn off stage, masks are expected and required to be worn on stage. However, if Elisabeth’s stage mask were torn off, it would expose a young girl with a wounded spirit and hinder her expression of passion.

After returning home, taking medication, and resting my eyes in hope of relieving some pain, I craved a taste of the outside world, so I checked my e-mail. With little expectation that any message in my inbox could lift my heavy-laden spirit, I was pleasantly surprised by what I assumed would be just another pestering college reminder. It contained an encouraging quote that Abigail Adams had written in a letter to her son, John Quincy, “The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. Great necessities call out great virtues. When a mind is raised, and animated by the scenes that engage the heart, then those qualities which would otherwise lay dormant, wake into life and form the character of the hero and the statesman.” I was not quite sure how it happened, but when I finished reading that powerful quote, my anxious thoughts were silenced.

As Elisabeth sits back in her chair, something awakes inside her. Her hope has broken through the wall of suffering and despair, illuminating the foundation of unfortunate circumstances. Her competitive nature has been refreshed, and she can now mentally prepare herself for battle against the opposition that currently wages war upon her entire being. Hope has transformed darkness into the light that guides Elisabeth through the despair of her present trial. Though she is in a season of grief, she knows that her pain is temporary while her hope is eternal.

I prayed the night before that God would remind me of what is essential in life, and He answered my prayer by restoring the hope that I had lost. Being caught in a storm of my own, I had lost sight of the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. I often pitied myself, and it consumed me. However, when I read Abigail Adams quote, I was inspired. I was reminded that my heart and mind are formed by the challenges I must face; without overcoming these obstacles, a crucial part of me remains dormant. Hope awakened my desire to endure this temporary pain in order that I may pursue my passions and live a joyous life again. I could lose everything, but if I have hope, I know I will be victorious.

Hope is the distinguishing factor separating despair and perseverance, and it is often found unexpectedly amidst struggle and hardship. Though at times it may seem as if hope has been captured by the high walls of despair, with a little faith and perseverance, hope can conquer those walls, take hold of passion and, thus, illuminate darkness. Character has the opportunity to develop the most when it is tested through the darkest trial; yet no light is too small for perseverance to be ignited, hope to be restored, and passion to be renewed. Ultimately, victory is won in the light.