My Daily Dose of Beauty

This past summer I invested in a new digital camera. Nothing too over-the-top, but complex enough that I'm still trying to figure out how to fully utilize all of its high-tech settings. After trying to capture our family vacation to Florida, our friend's wedding, a Philly's game or two, going to college, coming home for Fall Break, and the many memorable moments in between, I presently I find myself with the most precious little puppy sprawled across my lap on this year's Christmas Eve eve.

I absolutely love taking pictures. I love looking back and remembering. Making memories is one thing, but for me, holding on to them, appreciating and cherishing them, is of great value.

Out of the thousands of pictures I've taken since July, the vast majority has been of people and nature. Both of which radiate beauty from their core. But there's something about flowers in particular that has captured my eye.

Their vibrant color, delicate form, and breath of pureness, their complexity wrapped up in the beauty of simplicity, their ability to nourish, comfort, and inspire. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I love flowers. Along with the rest of nature's adornments, the eloquent beauty of a flower often provides me with my daily dose of beauty that my soul so desperately craves.

If we didn't need beauty in our lives, then God could've created a colorless, dreary, flowerless Earth in which we would feel satisfied living the mundane life. But if you stop for a minute amidst the chaos of last minute Christmas shopping, cooking, and cleaning, and look around, the beauty of creation speaks.

Its beauty invites us to linger, take it in, explore--and as we gaze upon the magnificent creation around us, we can catch a glimpse of the Creator's beauty as well, reminding us of the hope of eternity where more beauty awaits, ready to be unveiled upon our arrival.

This Christmas, don't busy yourself so much so that you miss your chance to stop and smell the roses (or the fresh pine and gingerbread cookies), to gaze upon the beauty all around you, and to draw near to and thank the God who encompasses the very essence of beauty and makes this season one worth celebrating.

Just Keep Swimming

Over the past week and a half, I feel like I've been developing, or redeveloping, Dory's philosophy of "Just Keep Swimming" in spite of the fear and anxiety brought on by the unknown. I'd like to say first of all to anyone who thinks that Disney/Pixar movies are childish and lacking in substance, you are very much mistaken and I pity you. Open your eyes! There are important life lessons that can be discovered through the dynamic characters, even though they are just cartoons. 


With that said, I'd like to share with you, as promised, the news we received last Tuesday from the testing that this new doctor performed. It was a very, VERY long day, and a lot of information was thrown at us. We all, my family and I, needed a good deal of time to absorb it, wrestle with it, cry over it, and pray through it. That's why it's taken me a week and a half to bring myself to write this post. Even now I don't have it all sorted out, but I can at least share what I know as well as some more specific prayer requests we have now as a result of obtaining this new information.


The tests pretty much confirmed most of the things that we suspected have been making me sick; however, due to the inaccuracy, and thus lack of dependency on the traditional blood tests, I had only tested positive for Rickekisia, other wise known as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, which is a tick-born disease. These tests were different though because they used frequencies to determine if certain parasites, bacteria, and viruses are hiding inside my cells. Just because something is inside the cell does not mean it will necessarily show up in the blood, so it makes that the blood tests would come back negative. I tested positive for ten different bugs: three parasites, four kinds of bacteria, and one virus. Two of the bacteria have two different strains though, so it's really a total six of the little buggers. Some of the more commons ones include Borellia (Lyme disease), Babesia, Strep, RMSF, and feline leukemia---all very interesting...


The tests also showed that my whole body has been affected by these infections. Almost all of my organ systems are considered "weak areas" but especially my thyroid, liver, spleen, adrenal, and hippocampus (short-term memory). The goal is to be at least functioning at 70% in each area but those areas in my body are all bottoming out at a mere 60% . . . Not O.K. 


So what this means is that after nearly a year of antibiotic protocols, I will be starting a new treatment plan the second week in August after we get back from Florida. This doctor treats with herbs, however I can keep taking my antibiotics in the beginning to keep some of my dorment symptoms from reawakening. Each bug must be treated individually, one at a time. There is an herb kit for each bug which lasts 18-21 days if all goes well...so doing the math, it'll be at least 200 days, which is about 7 months of treatment if I'm able to do one right after the other at full strength. The doctor seems very confident that I will feel better after this, but he said I may experience some side effects from the herbs that could range from mild to severe (we'll be praying for no side effects at all though right?!?!)  He also wants to give both me and my sister Lauren (who is also sick with similar but different bugs) these shots to help boost our organ functions, which should also help with my short-term memory loss. 


The short-term memory loss (and cognitive impairment) has definitely been most frustrating, regardless of how much we joke about it at times. That's another area in which I can identify with Dory---this has been going on, remember, for over two and a half years. It's been a long time. I've regressed, hit rock bottom, progressed, plateaued, regressed again, and gone up and down a lot. That's the nature of these infections. If that doesn't take you on an emotional roller coaster than I don't know what would! I have had my good days and my bad days. Sometimes I get tired of it all and just wanna give up, but my fear of what giving up looks like helps me to endure just a little bit longer. 


It's in the fight that hope can be renewed, providing the strength, patience, and perspective needed to persevere. I've grown much stronger as a result of this sickness, this seemingly unending trial, but I can honestly tell you that my strength does not arise from myself. The strength I use to fight this battle is rooted in the joy of the Lord, Jesus Christ the Risen King. He didn't come to save us from suffering, but rather to enter into it with us, both in the moment of his crucifixion as well as in our present suffering. If Jesus was able to defeat death, which he did, and if I have the power that raised Christ from the dead in me, which I do, than certainly I can defeat this illness. I will do so by lifting my eyes above my suffering to my Father and Savior in Heaven whose grace is sufficient for me, whose power is made perfect in weakness, whose love endures forever, whose mercy reaches to the sky. 


When you lift your eyes to the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the weight of the dirt and grime of this life diminishes. He lifts the burden. He makes the load lighter. The miraculous discovery of joy, not just happiness which proves ever so fleeting but deep joy amidst pain and suffering---the joy of the Lord, my friends--is a beautiful thing; a blessing in disguise; a fine treasure that can only be found in the deepest, darkest mines of life's valleys. My heart grieves for those who refuse, dismiss, or neglect the beauty these landmarks of suffering have to offer, for in doing so, they will most likely overlook the greatest treasure that man could ever possess this side of Heaven.


I just want to take one last moment and thank everyone who has been praying for me, specifically through these tests, as well as the neurological testing I had done on Monday--we won't get those results for another six weeks or so. Don't forget that prayer is soooo powerful. So often, we have not because we ask not. As we seek God's face, may He direct our paths. He knows our every need, and He's in control over it all. The God who spoke and this world came to be is the God who holds you and me in the palm of His hand. He's been faithful thus far. He has proven Himself trustworthy. So I'm gonna keep trusting Him. He knows this is gonna make me stronger; us stronger. The Potter just knows these things. 

I'm loving this song right now. "Stronger" by Mandisa. Check it out :)

 

Learning a lot

I know it's been a while, but let me just say, life has been pretty crazy busy, which for me is definitely a change in pace. I officially started an online lit class through Messiah on Monday, even though I had to begin work for it prior. There's sooo much work to do. Lots of reading, writing, and you know, thinking...which has been harder for me, especially today, than I imagined it would be. I did however, have a chance to share some of what I've already shared here before about how I've learned to boast in my weakness, in hardship, and in difficulty, for when I am weak then I am strong (2 Cor 12:8-10). I didn't plan on sharing my sob story with the class, but after reading this one guy's post, I felt like it would probably be a good thing if I did. My heart was heavy today because I felt frustrated and ashamed with how long it took me to complete my assignments, but then I remember the verse I just mentioned, and I felt like God was nudging me to really boast about my weakness, specifically my mental weakness that I felt was magnified today, so that's what I did. And you know what, no one has responded to my post yet, but at least I feel as if I have learned something of importance today and gained a new understanding of what it means to boast (in other words, to not be ashamed) about my weaknesses.

Closing out, it's been a LONG day! I've pretty much been working since 10 a.m. and just stopped a minute ago to listen to a song my boyfriend posted on Facebook that I desperately needed to hear after nearly 10 hours of trying to think. It's called Arms that Hold the Universe. I really like it. And it's a perfect song if you're going through hard and tough times as it reminds us that God is still all-powerful, still in control, still holding you in his arms, and never letting you go.

I've listened to it four times already. Enjoy! God Bless! Good night to all, and to all a good night!

"You can hope. You can rise. You can stand. He's still got the whole world in His hands"