Daddy's Girl

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 24
Beloved Child of God

This adorable little girl's name is Sydnie. She just so happens to be my boyfriend's one year old niece, and we had the blessing of spending some time with her last weekend. On Sunday we stopped by her house to deliver some pictures to her parents that we had taken of her on the boardwalk in Wildwood, NJ. I couldn't help but snag a few more photos of her before we left that day though. Seriously. Look at that face! No camera can stay tucked away for long with Sydnie in the room.


When I look at this picture, I can only imagine the kind of love that this child's father has for her. I'm reminded of the love that I've received from my own father: unconditional, self-giving, sacrificial love. This love has made me desire to honor, please, and respect my dad in response to the kindness he's poured out on me throughout my life. Although no human love will ever reach absolute perfection, I think the purity of my dad's love for his children sure comes pretty close.

I wanted to dedicate this post to my dad as part of his Father's Day present, but it's already Wednesday night so it's a little late. Better late than never though, right? I love you Daddy!!!

I would've posted sooner but the past week and a half has been so filled with painful headaches and migraines that I haven't had the energy or concentration to write. I have endured a lot of trial and testing this week and have confronted the recurring questions and seeming inconsistencies that so often accompany the long hours spent in bed with unrelenting pain. I've mainly been challenged with the idea of how an all-powerful, all-loving God, our Father in Heaven, can allow his children to suffer all kinds of pain, sickness, and distress. I'm not just talking about the common cold or typical knee scrap, but the serious stuff. The stuff that keeps floors upon floors of children occupying rooms in hundreds of children's hospitals around the country: unexplainable pain, incurable illness, insatiable anxiety, failed treatments, harsh medicinal side effects....the list goes on, making it increasingly harder to reconcile the two realities of this painful life with a loving Father God who has good plans for his children. I'm so easily tempted to succumb to the thought that if God is really all-powerful, than He is obviously unwilling to heal because complete healing has not come.

With my focus solely on the present pain that I'm suffering, this seems like the most logical conclusion: that for some reason, God does not want to heal me. What a sad, depressing, and nearly heart shattering statement! I know I'm not alone in that thought either.


Our conception of love requires protection from pain at all costs; yet the greatest act of love that the earth has ever known required that God allow his only son Jesus to suffer the greatest pain of all, dying a cruel death at the hands of the ones he came to save. Isaiah 53:4-6 states:

Surely he took up our infirmities

    and carried our sorrows, 

yet we considered him stricken by God, 

    smitten by him, and afflicted. 

 But he was pierced for our transgressions, 

    he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,

    and by his wounds we are healed. 

We all, like sheep, have gone astray, 

    each of us has turned to his own way; 

and the Lord has laid on him

    the iniquity of us all. 

Most of us tend to feel like we're entitled to a good, long, healthy life. We get mad at God when bad things happen. We think that if God is God, He needs to do something about all the evil, pain, and suffering that's tearing this world apart. When we don't see Him doing anything to make things better, we turn our backs on Him, harboring our feelings of bitterness and betrayal, which morph into despair and hopelessness in a matter of weeks, days, sometimes even hours. Digging our own graves, we blind ourselves from seeing God's masterplan of redeeming this broken world and everything in it. He didn't design creation to look like the mess we're used to seeing. God doesn't want anyone to suffer pain for all of eternity, although that's honestly the punishment that our sin deserves. But that's why Jesus suffered for us; paid our penalty and took our place. As a result, we all have the opportunity to be healed completely from the sin that sickens our wretched earthly bodies. Whether that healing happens this side of Heaven in a way that we can see or not is beside the point: by his wounds we are healed.

Next time we get frustrated and angry over the pain and suffering that we see and experience in this life, I pray that we'll quickly be reminded of Jesus' words he uttered in his last breaths as he hung on the cross, "It is finished!" As children of God, we can rest assured that this place is not our home; we're just passing through. While we're here though, I don't think that God will allow us to endure any suffering that He does not purpose for good. No pain goes wasted on God's watch. We just have to wait with the hope that God provides and trust---through the tears---that Daddy knows best. 

After all, God is love, and love never fails. 

Couch-to-5-K

I bought these sneakers with the hope that they will symbolize the start of a new stage of my recovery.

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 22 #HotPinkAllTheWay

Before I got sick, running and I had always enjoyed a love-hate relationship, filled with some joyous, some not-so-joyous memories of never-ending track work-outs, driveway sprints, and Camp Lauren. Most of the time, someone else had to push me to run. Or rather, in some cases, pull me off the couch. Thanks Laur! Although I didn’t always have a self-motivation to lace up my running shoes, at least I was able to still do it and run a good race.

There were a few occasions when I was still really struggling with my health that I tried running again, but my head pounded with every step, making the entire process and the rest of my day torture trying to deal with an insane migraine.

It’s one thing to complain about not wanting to run or feeling sore afterwards, but it’s a totally different, almost defeating, thing to know that even if you wanted to, running was out of the picture. I guess it's sometimes true that you never know what you got til it's gone. . . 

Today I began a exercise routine called The Couch-to-5-K Running Plan for new runners who want to progress from their sedentary state to running three miles, all in 2 months! I’m giving myself some extra time though. My goal is to be able to run 3 miles by the end of the summer.

After jogging/walking for 1.75 miles this morning, I just feel the usual aches of exercise. The really great part is that I didn’t get a migraine from the work-out AND I was able to complete it the right way. Compared to what I had done before, it wasn’t that hard of a work-out at all, but after not being able to do much of anything these past three years, it felt like a good enough sweat for me! Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up and finish what I've started. The fact that I'm on week 22 of my 52 Week Project seems like a pretty good sign to me that I have what it takes to commit. Ask me in two weeks how I'm doing. . . ;)

I'll leave you all with a running verse for inspiration: Hebrews 12:1 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 

Not just another flower picture

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 20/52
Some Good-Looking Thorns

In case anyone was wondering, it's a tad difficult to focus on the thorns of a rose bush when its decadent flowers constantly fight for your attention. Anyhow, that's what I tried to do in this picture for Week 20 of my 52 Week Project. Although I had to edit it a lot to achieve what I had in mind---some good-looking thorns---the entire process ironically encompasses the change of heart that I've experienced this past week.

I must start by explaining, in brief, the news we received at my doctor's appointment on Tuesday afternoon....

For the most part, we were very encouraged by the news: all the parasites, bacteria, and viruses are gone! I still have some "imprints" or scars on my cells from the Lyme bacteria, which has caused a slight autoimmune response, but after a month or so of taking a homeopathic remedy, I should be all clear. So that's very good news!  Praise be to God, the Great Physician who mends all our wounds and heals all our diseases!

With this great news, we had to ask the tough question about the possibility of permanent damage since I went undiagnosed and mistreated for so long and still have headaches everyday. The doctor said that sometimes patients have "dead spots" in their brain, which are supposedly permanent. I asked if those were technically called hypo-perfusions, because that's what showed up on my brain scan a while back when we first started thinking I had Lyme. He said yes, that they're the same. He continued to say, however, that even though the dead spots are lost now, the brain can re-route itself and work around those areas. The brain is pretty incredible.

But still, that's the part of the appointment that made it hard for me to fully rejoice over the miracle of healing. I thought, Wow, so I'm pretty much healthy, but because of this stupid brain damage I'll probably still feel pain, neuro symptoms, and memory impairment the rest of my life. That's just great.

After all I've experienced over the past three years, I most certainly cried over and still grieve the damage and loss, but I do not doubt in the least the sufficiency of God's grace, power, and strength in my weakness. Perhaps the dead spots will serve as a good reminder of how God has sustained and will continue to sustain me. I mean, it's a miracle that I've come this far already, and even with the permanent brain damage that remains, I know that God can still work miracles in and through me. What else could better attest to his great power and faithfulness? I can't help but to deeply identify, once again, with Paul when he writes about his vision and the thorn in 2 Corinthians 12:


To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (verses 7-10)

I honestly believe that God has purposefully made me weak, with regard to my own strength, in order to make me strong through the strength that comes from Him alone. God has healed me, but I think to keep me from becoming conceited---from boasting about my intelligence, achievements, and honors---he has chosen to allow some weakness and damage to remain in my brain. However, when I can boast gladly about that, though, Christ's power rests on me. I know this to be true. I've felt it. This amazing truth of Christ's power within me has transformed my mind in ways that no medicine or therapy ever could. Though outwardly and physically we are all wasting away, inwardly and spiritually I am being renewed day by day through the power of the Holy Spirit who helps me fix my eyes on the unseen, eternal aspects of life. Because in the big scheme of things, God knows that even permanent brain damage is really only temporary. One day He will restore and redeem everything. All will be made new. The dead will be raised and the dead spots will be brought back to life in the glorious presence of our risen Savior, Jesus Christ. Now that is some really Good News! Amen??

Coming back to where I started, with the idea of the thorn, I'm learning more than ever before that all good things must be protected. Just as rose thorns are a protective adaptation to keep animals from destroying the entire rosebush, maybe my brain damage will guard against conceit and pride, which seek to attack the good fruit, lessons learned, and spiritual maturity that the past three years of trial and pain have produced in me.  After all, nothing exists without purpose. Perhaps this is just it.

Just Keep Swimming

Over the past week and a half, I feel like I've been developing, or redeveloping, Dory's philosophy of "Just Keep Swimming" in spite of the fear and anxiety brought on by the unknown. I'd like to say first of all to anyone who thinks that Disney/Pixar movies are childish and lacking in substance, you are very much mistaken and I pity you. Open your eyes! There are important life lessons that can be discovered through the dynamic characters, even though they are just cartoons. 


With that said, I'd like to share with you, as promised, the news we received last Tuesday from the testing that this new doctor performed. It was a very, VERY long day, and a lot of information was thrown at us. We all, my family and I, needed a good deal of time to absorb it, wrestle with it, cry over it, and pray through it. That's why it's taken me a week and a half to bring myself to write this post. Even now I don't have it all sorted out, but I can at least share what I know as well as some more specific prayer requests we have now as a result of obtaining this new information.


The tests pretty much confirmed most of the things that we suspected have been making me sick; however, due to the inaccuracy, and thus lack of dependency on the traditional blood tests, I had only tested positive for Rickekisia, other wise known as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, which is a tick-born disease. These tests were different though because they used frequencies to determine if certain parasites, bacteria, and viruses are hiding inside my cells. Just because something is inside the cell does not mean it will necessarily show up in the blood, so it makes that the blood tests would come back negative. I tested positive for ten different bugs: three parasites, four kinds of bacteria, and one virus. Two of the bacteria have two different strains though, so it's really a total six of the little buggers. Some of the more commons ones include Borellia (Lyme disease), Babesia, Strep, RMSF, and feline leukemia---all very interesting...


The tests also showed that my whole body has been affected by these infections. Almost all of my organ systems are considered "weak areas" but especially my thyroid, liver, spleen, adrenal, and hippocampus (short-term memory). The goal is to be at least functioning at 70% in each area but those areas in my body are all bottoming out at a mere 60% . . . Not O.K. 


So what this means is that after nearly a year of antibiotic protocols, I will be starting a new treatment plan the second week in August after we get back from Florida. This doctor treats with herbs, however I can keep taking my antibiotics in the beginning to keep some of my dorment symptoms from reawakening. Each bug must be treated individually, one at a time. There is an herb kit for each bug which lasts 18-21 days if all goes well...so doing the math, it'll be at least 200 days, which is about 7 months of treatment if I'm able to do one right after the other at full strength. The doctor seems very confident that I will feel better after this, but he said I may experience some side effects from the herbs that could range from mild to severe (we'll be praying for no side effects at all though right?!?!)  He also wants to give both me and my sister Lauren (who is also sick with similar but different bugs) these shots to help boost our organ functions, which should also help with my short-term memory loss. 


The short-term memory loss (and cognitive impairment) has definitely been most frustrating, regardless of how much we joke about it at times. That's another area in which I can identify with Dory---this has been going on, remember, for over two and a half years. It's been a long time. I've regressed, hit rock bottom, progressed, plateaued, regressed again, and gone up and down a lot. That's the nature of these infections. If that doesn't take you on an emotional roller coaster than I don't know what would! I have had my good days and my bad days. Sometimes I get tired of it all and just wanna give up, but my fear of what giving up looks like helps me to endure just a little bit longer. 


It's in the fight that hope can be renewed, providing the strength, patience, and perspective needed to persevere. I've grown much stronger as a result of this sickness, this seemingly unending trial, but I can honestly tell you that my strength does not arise from myself. The strength I use to fight this battle is rooted in the joy of the Lord, Jesus Christ the Risen King. He didn't come to save us from suffering, but rather to enter into it with us, both in the moment of his crucifixion as well as in our present suffering. If Jesus was able to defeat death, which he did, and if I have the power that raised Christ from the dead in me, which I do, than certainly I can defeat this illness. I will do so by lifting my eyes above my suffering to my Father and Savior in Heaven whose grace is sufficient for me, whose power is made perfect in weakness, whose love endures forever, whose mercy reaches to the sky. 


When you lift your eyes to the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the weight of the dirt and grime of this life diminishes. He lifts the burden. He makes the load lighter. The miraculous discovery of joy, not just happiness which proves ever so fleeting but deep joy amidst pain and suffering---the joy of the Lord, my friends--is a beautiful thing; a blessing in disguise; a fine treasure that can only be found in the deepest, darkest mines of life's valleys. My heart grieves for those who refuse, dismiss, or neglect the beauty these landmarks of suffering have to offer, for in doing so, they will most likely overlook the greatest treasure that man could ever possess this side of Heaven.


I just want to take one last moment and thank everyone who has been praying for me, specifically through these tests, as well as the neurological testing I had done on Monday--we won't get those results for another six weeks or so. Don't forget that prayer is soooo powerful. So often, we have not because we ask not. As we seek God's face, may He direct our paths. He knows our every need, and He's in control over it all. The God who spoke and this world came to be is the God who holds you and me in the palm of His hand. He's been faithful thus far. He has proven Himself trustworthy. So I'm gonna keep trusting Him. He knows this is gonna make me stronger; us stronger. The Potter just knows these things. 

I'm loving this song right now. "Stronger" by Mandisa. Check it out :)

 

Where I was about a year ago: The Awakening

I wanted to share with you an essay that I wrote over a year ago for my 12th grade AP English class, so you can get an idea of where I'm coming from. It is dated November 23, 2009.

A lot has changed since then. Now we have a somewhat conclusive diagnosis of Lyme disease. However, a lot has stayed the same.

It's best if you just read it.


The Awakening

As I awoke with another piercing migraine this morning, discouraging thoughts went racing through my head. I wondered if the pain would ever cease; if all the intercessory prayers, along with my own, would ever receive an affirmative response; if I would ever be able to enjoy my senior year of high school; if I would ever be on top again. Though my head was pounding, I arose from my warm and comfortable, queen-sized bed with a sigh, in order to arrive at yet another doctor’s appointment where I would undergo yet another diagnostic test. The fun just never ends.

This is a typical morning in the life of Elisabeth Edelman—a seventeen year old, chronic migraine sufferer. She has faced abounding disappointments, tainting every area of her life. Elisabeth’s view of hope is now as an unreachable, theoretical concept held captive behind a wall of suffering and despair that is built upon a firm foundation of unfortunate circumstances. Her passions and desires are suppressed by the burdens of the present, and the future is uncertain. Once uncertainty and disappointment merge, discouragement accelerates.

As my mom ignored multiple speed limit signs while driving me to my appointment, I reflected on what had taken place the previous night. Being blindsided in a conversation with my director, I was informed that my spot in a prestigious performance group was questionable. Though I was shocked, I knew my health dictated the action. If I ever thought that my life was hard enough, a curve ball would hit me, thus, convincing me otherwise. In that moment, quiet tears of sadness streamed down my face, being replenished by an overwhelming sense of helplessness. I could do nothing to change the situation.

The performing arts give Elisabeth an outlet to express herself. They are therapeutic in distracting her from the constant, searing pain. The stage is also a place where Elisabeth can do what she does best—act as if she is not suffering. It provides Elisabeth with a mask that she can wear in addition to the armor of courage and stoicism she must put on everyday. While authenticity is adulterated when masks are worn off stage, masks are expected and required to be worn on stage. However, if Elisabeth’s stage mask were torn off, it would expose a young girl with a wounded spirit and hinder her expression of passion.

After returning home, taking medication, and resting my eyes in hope of relieving some pain, I craved a taste of the outside world, so I checked my e-mail. With little expectation that any message in my inbox could lift my heavy-laden spirit, I was pleasantly surprised by what I assumed would be just another pestering college reminder. It contained an encouraging quote that Abigail Adams had written in a letter to her son, John Quincy, “The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. Great necessities call out great virtues. When a mind is raised, and animated by the scenes that engage the heart, then those qualities which would otherwise lay dormant, wake into life and form the character of the hero and the statesman.” I was not quite sure how it happened, but when I finished reading that powerful quote, my anxious thoughts were silenced.

As Elisabeth sits back in her chair, something awakes inside her. Her hope has broken through the wall of suffering and despair, illuminating the foundation of unfortunate circumstances. Her competitive nature has been refreshed, and she can now mentally prepare herself for battle against the opposition that currently wages war upon her entire being. Hope has transformed darkness into the light that guides Elisabeth through the despair of her present trial. Though she is in a season of grief, she knows that her pain is temporary while her hope is eternal.

I prayed the night before that God would remind me of what is essential in life, and He answered my prayer by restoring the hope that I had lost. Being caught in a storm of my own, I had lost sight of the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. I often pitied myself, and it consumed me. However, when I read Abigail Adams quote, I was inspired. I was reminded that my heart and mind are formed by the challenges I must face; without overcoming these obstacles, a crucial part of me remains dormant. Hope awakened my desire to endure this temporary pain in order that I may pursue my passions and live a joyous life again. I could lose everything, but if I have hope, I know I will be victorious.

Hope is the distinguishing factor separating despair and perseverance, and it is often found unexpectedly amidst struggle and hardship. Though at times it may seem as if hope has been captured by the high walls of despair, with a little faith and perseverance, hope can conquer those walls, take hold of passion and, thus, illuminate darkness. Character has the opportunity to develop the most when it is tested through the darkest trial; yet no light is too small for perseverance to be ignited, hope to be restored, and passion to be renewed. Ultimately, victory is won in the light.

I expected...

A year ago, I expected that I would have successfully completed my first semester at Messiah College by now, but God had different plans.

Six months ago, I expected that I would have moved into my dorm with my two roommates this past weekend. I expected to have survived my first full day of classes today, and fall asleep in a building with hundreds of other girls and guys my age. I never expected that I'd be sitting here in my bed, alone, in the same room as always, at 11 o'clock updating my blog...

I expected to be in a place where I could learn, where I could thrive, where I could mature. Like most of people my age, I expected that to happen at college. Little did I know, that where I am today, is the very place where God destined me to learn, to thrive, and to mature in ways that I never would've expected (Eph. 3:20). In the quiet stillness of my room, in the comfort of my queen-sized bed, with a heating pad bringing waves of relief to the pounding in my head--this is where much of my learning takes place these days.

And you know what? I'm completely okay with that. As much as I'd love to be learning about literature, psychology, statistics, and philosophy at college right now, I am convinced that God still desires to teach me things here that I wouldn't be able to learn elsewhere. I have learned life lessons that I could never have learned from my professors at college (no offense to them, but some lessons are divine, beyond man's ability to teach, and must be taught by the Best of the best if you know what I mean), and I am learning new things everyday.

Yes, I'm not where I expected to be by now, but I believe I'm where I'm supposed to be. I expected to be healed from this invasive illness that has plagued me for nearly the past two years, but I'm still fighting it. I expected to have my life back by now, but I'm learning that in order to find my life, I first must lose my life (Matt. 10:39). That sounds so strange, I know, but I'm still just learning, so it's okay.

About an hour ago, I expected to be finishing up writing a post entitled, "Enrolling in the School of Prayer," since that's the topic of the book I just started reading, but I kind of went a different direction. Maybe the lesson to be learned tonight is more along this line---When reality doesn't line up with our expectations (which happens A LOT more than we'd like) we just gotta let go of our pride and roll with it. Stay positive, and keep on keeping on!

Yep! Sounds good to me! :)

Peace out!