Not just another flower picture

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 20/52
Some Good-Looking Thorns

In case anyone was wondering, it's a tad difficult to focus on the thorns of a rose bush when its decadent flowers constantly fight for your attention. Anyhow, that's what I tried to do in this picture for Week 20 of my 52 Week Project. Although I had to edit it a lot to achieve what I had in mind---some good-looking thorns---the entire process ironically encompasses the change of heart that I've experienced this past week.

I must start by explaining, in brief, the news we received at my doctor's appointment on Tuesday afternoon....

For the most part, we were very encouraged by the news: all the parasites, bacteria, and viruses are gone! I still have some "imprints" or scars on my cells from the Lyme bacteria, which has caused a slight autoimmune response, but after a month or so of taking a homeopathic remedy, I should be all clear. So that's very good news!  Praise be to God, the Great Physician who mends all our wounds and heals all our diseases!

With this great news, we had to ask the tough question about the possibility of permanent damage since I went undiagnosed and mistreated for so long and still have headaches everyday. The doctor said that sometimes patients have "dead spots" in their brain, which are supposedly permanent. I asked if those were technically called hypo-perfusions, because that's what showed up on my brain scan a while back when we first started thinking I had Lyme. He said yes, that they're the same. He continued to say, however, that even though the dead spots are lost now, the brain can re-route itself and work around those areas. The brain is pretty incredible.

But still, that's the part of the appointment that made it hard for me to fully rejoice over the miracle of healing. I thought, Wow, so I'm pretty much healthy, but because of this stupid brain damage I'll probably still feel pain, neuro symptoms, and memory impairment the rest of my life. That's just great.

After all I've experienced over the past three years, I most certainly cried over and still grieve the damage and loss, but I do not doubt in the least the sufficiency of God's grace, power, and strength in my weakness. Perhaps the dead spots will serve as a good reminder of how God has sustained and will continue to sustain me. I mean, it's a miracle that I've come this far already, and even with the permanent brain damage that remains, I know that God can still work miracles in and through me. What else could better attest to his great power and faithfulness? I can't help but to deeply identify, once again, with Paul when he writes about his vision and the thorn in 2 Corinthians 12:


To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (verses 7-10)

I honestly believe that God has purposefully made me weak, with regard to my own strength, in order to make me strong through the strength that comes from Him alone. God has healed me, but I think to keep me from becoming conceited---from boasting about my intelligence, achievements, and honors---he has chosen to allow some weakness and damage to remain in my brain. However, when I can boast gladly about that, though, Christ's power rests on me. I know this to be true. I've felt it. This amazing truth of Christ's power within me has transformed my mind in ways that no medicine or therapy ever could. Though outwardly and physically we are all wasting away, inwardly and spiritually I am being renewed day by day through the power of the Holy Spirit who helps me fix my eyes on the unseen, eternal aspects of life. Because in the big scheme of things, God knows that even permanent brain damage is really only temporary. One day He will restore and redeem everything. All will be made new. The dead will be raised and the dead spots will be brought back to life in the glorious presence of our risen Savior, Jesus Christ. Now that is some really Good News! Amen??

Coming back to where I started, with the idea of the thorn, I'm learning more than ever before that all good things must be protected. Just as rose thorns are a protective adaptation to keep animals from destroying the entire rosebush, maybe my brain damage will guard against conceit and pride, which seek to attack the good fruit, lessons learned, and spiritual maturity that the past three years of trial and pain have produced in me.  After all, nothing exists without purpose. Perhaps this is just it.

Not Faking It No More

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 15/52
This picture has significant meaning to me, 
but I've chosen not to explain it here.
I hope that you all can still appreciate it for what it is
& how it touches your hearts.

"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." ~ Psalm 61:2

This has been a really hard week for my family. Grief brings many strong emotions, unanswered questions, and tears. We know that we need not grieve like those who have no hope, but hope doesn't always answer the questions. Many times throughout this week, I've felt the sustaining power of hope in the course of the day and the long, restless nights. This hope is able to comfort our aching souls in the midst of a painful loss, however, I've found that the anguish I feel still remains.

How quickly we forget that even those who have faith in the God of all comfort can experience intense emotional pain. This week reminded me of that for sure. I've asked God lots of questions; I've been open and honest with how overwhelmed I've felt by the shock; I've sobbed spontaneously on more than one, two, or three occasions. I cannot tell you that I have it all together, or that I feel complete peace in my heart. Chaos and confusion surround me. Doubt and disbelief fille my thoughts. My emotions certainly do not seem to logically reflect my faith. . . and honestly, that bothers me.

Even in knowing the truth of God's word, of his unfailing love, grief has the unmatched ability to cloud my understanding or experience of what I know in my head to be true. I don't get how grief can do that so effectively. I haven't taken a class on death, grief, and dying yet, though I plan to at some point for my minor. Maybe then I'll be able to explain the powerful effects of grief. But for now, all I know is my experience of it.

I've been tempted to criticize myself for not having a "strong enough" faith, evidenced by my intense anguish I've felt recently over a tragic loss in our family. But criticism doesn't seem right either. During those times, I try remind myself of the account of when Jesus was in the garden on the Mount of Olives the night before his cruxificion. After Jesus prays his prayer, "...not my will, but yours be done" Luke writes in chapter 22 that "an angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground" (v. 42-44).

The thing that I love the most about these few verses is that even after the angel came and strengthened Jesus, he was still in anguish. Jesus--God incarnate--was in anguish. I can only imagine that Jesus must have been grieving over his own death before it came to pass, although that probably only begins to scratch the surface of the mix of emotions that he must've felt that night.

There's no doubt that my hope is in the Lord my God, who strengthens me in my weakness, hears me when I call, and knows each tear that falls from my face---I know this to be true---yet, grief and anguish have consumed much of my energy this past week. My heart is still not yet at ease, but I've felt God's presence in the midst of that. He has handled me and the hot mess that I am very well. Surely if Jesus could express his anguish even after being divinely strengthened, he must understand.

So I'm not going to fake that I'm okay. I'm still confused and hurt, but I think that God needs our hurt and pain. He probably wants us to give it to him because after all, Jesus died to take on all the sins of the world, and isn't sin at the root of any hurt or pain we experience? Hiding our pain from him or just trying to stuff it down and ignore it doesn't do anyone any good. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be feeling the things that I feel, but seriously, when it comes down it, God already knows us more than we know ourselves, so expressing our feelings to Him isn't going to come as a shock. His love for us is unconditional. By taking that in, we can all let out a big sigh of relief!

We are not commanded or expected to "have it all together" or know all the "right" answers or be "completely sure" of every aspect of our faith. God's grace is sufficient, even in our weakness, in our confusion, and in our doubts. His love is unfailing even when we don't understand the how or the why.

"I spread out my hands to you;

my soul thirsts for you like a 

parched land."

~ Psalm 143:6

"We wait in hope for the Lord; 

           he is our help and our shield. 

In him our hearts rejoice, 

          for we trust in his holy name. 

May your unfailing love rest upon us, 

O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."
~ Psalm 33:20-22

Battling for the New

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 5/52
Taken at Midtown Scholar in Harrisburg, PA

A slight breeze of uneasiness often comes over me when I try something new for the very first time. Whether or not the uneasiness blows from the hovering clouds retaining my fear of the unknown, my insecurity, or my doubt, it has the notorious ability of keeping me up at night. At the beginning of the week, I moved my stuff back to Messiah for the start of the spring semester. Initially, I had the hardest time falling asleep in my newly arranged room, but I somehow seemed to wake up ready to take on each new day with a strange, nervous energy. If you’ve met me, you know that I am the farthest from being a morning person. However, the odd combination of excitement and uneasiness rolled me out of bed, most days before my alarm even told me to! And, like most other college students, that rarely ever happens to me.

It has surely been a week full of new experiences—new classes, professors, and books; new hall mates, laughter, and friendships; new blessings, hardships, and opportunities. The picture for week 5 of my 52 Week Project was taken in the Poetry section of Midtown Scholar, an old bookstore/coffe house renovated from a movie theater located somewhere in the city Harrisburg (except I couldn't tell you where because today was my first time visiting the place...another new experience of mine!).  All this newness got me thinking about both the fear and the joy which so often surrounds the new.

We always have a choice when it comes to stepping out and trying new things. We can either allow fear to paralyze us, keeping us stuck in the ways of the old, or we can overcome that fear, and thereby, take hold of the joy, satisfaction, and blessing, which accompanies the new.

Now I realize that not all new things are necessarily good, and sometimes fear protects us from naively entering into dangerous circumstances. However, I think you know that's not the kind of fear I'm talking about. There comes a time when we must put off the old and put on the new, whether we’re fearful or not.

As Christians in particular, who have been made new in Christ, the time has already come. But in case you missed the memo, the time is now. Regardless of your past regrets, regardless of your past mistakes, whether you messed up a year ago or 5 minutes ago, in Christ, you are a new creation. The old has gone; the sin, all of it, has been forgiven, wiped out, erased. Because of Christ’s blood that was shed for you, your future is spotless. You can now clothe yourself with his righteousness, holiness, and dignity. Fear and shame need not hold you back from the joy of the Lord, the joy of your salvation, the joy of living as one who's been made new.

If you’re still feeling a breeze of uneasiness, if you’re stuck in the shadow of the cloud of the unknown, if you have yet to experience this newness in Christ, I would encourage you to take the steps necessary for you to personally overcome whatever fear and doubt are holding you back from acquiring such joy. 

Ask questions. There are answers.

Cry out to God. He hears you.

Let Christ’s love revive your weary soul. He longs to do so.

God, the maker of Heaven and Earth, longs to be in relation with you, longs to make you whole, longs to make you new. Don’t let your fear of abandoning your old ways disguise the ultimate blessing of God’s redeeming grace.

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” ~ Luke 11:9-10

How Sweet the Sound

(Preface--This year I have chosen to embark on the 52 Week Project in which I will take one meaningful picture each week throughout the year. I have also committed to writing a "short" description of each photo's significance. The following post marks the beginning of my journey.)

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 1/52

A close friend gave this wind chime to my mom for Christmas this year, and it conveniently hangs right below my bedroom window. With each wintery gust, it never fails to send an array of charming notes up my way. Every night this week I've fallen asleep to its distinct tune; upon waking, I hear it as well. Loud and clear. I can't ignore it, escape it, nor deny it. Not that I would want to after that of which it has come to remind me.

What is this sweet sound you may ask? None other but the melodic pitches of English poet and clergyman John Newton's classic hymn Amazing Grace. You know how it goes: "Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me..."

Now, if the wind chime outside my window obnoxiously chimed any old, random tune, I'd probably muster up enough ugliness to chop off its strings, thus muting its noise, and make it look like an accident, a natural disaster of sorts on an exceedingly smaller scale. You see, I'm the kind of girl who values her sleep, makes it a top priority, and becomes surprisingly agitated when someone or something deprives her of, disrupts her from, or infringes upon that precious time of her much needed slumber.

However, these chimes have had quite a different effect on the attitude of my heart. Each time the wind blows through them, it seems to me as if the Holy Spirit is surrounding our house, rushing all around, reminding me that only by God's amazing grace am I alive today, both physically and spiritually speaking. In thinking about the Spirit and wind, I found that throughout the Bible, 111 times in the New Testament in fact, the Greek word "pneuma" or "wind" has symbolized the Holy Spirit's presence. I know he is still very much alive and working in mysterious ways today. Just like the wind, we can't see Him but we can hear Him, feel Him, and see his effects. And for that, I give total praise and thanks to the Lord of lords and King of kings, my Savior, my defender, my everything. Amazed by its sweet sound, God's grace has saved me, and the wind chimes below my window have so beautifully reminded me of that. Just in time for the new year with its new beginnings. Because of God's grace, we can be made new.

May we always stand amazed and never forget Ephesians 2:8-10, which says, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Experiencing Power in Weakness

I’m so glad that I was able to go to youth group tonight because I came away refreshed, with a deeper understanding of a lesson that I thought I had on lock. Let me explain.

One major truth that God has been showing me through out what at times seems like a never-ending trial, is that weakness is not something to be looked down upon, but rather embraced. The message tonight was so encouraging and exactly what I needed to hear. Despite having a really bad headache, I got a lot out of it. I’m just going to share a little and hopefully someone will also be moved by it.

Mike, the pastor of the high school ministry at our church, started off with some background on the Hebrew culture during the time of Jesus’ ministry, which shed a new light on some familiar passages. In those days, rabbis (spiritual teachers) had very prestigious roles in society. Similar to a doctor, or a lawyer, or a rocket scientist, rabbis were held above other occupations. As a result, they also had money. Families who were "well off" would send their children, at age SIX, to study under a rabbi in hopes of them learning, growing, and becoming a rabbi themselves. However, it was not an easy undertaking in the least. By age ten, they needed to have the Torah, the first five books of the Bible, memorized. I've recently read through Leviticus, and well, you try reading through it if that statement doesn't shock you. At that point, the rabbi would decide who had the most potential to learn the best and then send the rest back home where they would resort to learning the family trade—carpentry, fishing, blacksmithing? Or whatever it may be. By age fourteen, those who made the cut and remained under the rabbi’s direction would have the entire Hebrew Bible memorized! Woahhh! Crazy stuff right?! The rabbi would then make another cut, deciding who would stay and who would go home. By the end, I guess after more years of training and more cuts, only one or two students would remain, and so they would eventually “graduate”, become rabbis, do ministry, and continue the cycle.

Before people acknowledged Jesus as the Son of the Most High God, he was recognized as a teacher like the rabbis, specifically, though, as "one who taught with authority." Jesus was counter-cultural.