Waiting--

It's been a while since I've posted anything...the past week and a half has been pretty rough--filled with stubborn migraines, fatigue, and an array of emotions which makes it a little difficult to write. I feel like I've finally gotten a break though, and I haven't even had to take any pain medicine the past two days! So I'm thankful for that.

There are sooo many things on my heart and mind right now as I reflect upon the painful days. It's hard not to get discouraged in the midst of the bad times, but knowing that the good days are on their way helps me to be patient. I want to share with you this psalm that pretty much describes what I couldn't put into words on my own this week. It's 20 verses which may look like a lot, but please just read it to the end. That's where I'm at right now.


Psalm 77
(For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.)


1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 The waters saw you, God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the heavens resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.


Sometimes I don't necessarily "feel" God's presence, comfort, and peace. Sometimes it seems like He's unresponsive. Silent. My first response to Him in those times is frustration which often comes out as arrogance, thinking that I deserve or am entitled to an encounter with the Almighty God. I remember his faithfulness and the precious times we shared together. I treasure those moments; yet, here I am now wondering where He is. Though I know that He promises never to leave me nor forsake me, I long to hear his voice, to feel his touch, to see his face. The longing, while not satisfied, continues to grow, deepening my desire for Him even more. As I focus on Him and meditate upon his character, I still struggle to make sense of the silence. I feel like I'm totally aware of my desire for Him, yet I'm still waiting in my painful, desperate state, to truly discover Him.

I know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. In Larry Crabb's book Shattered Dreams, he writes about others who have experienced deep pain and loss. A man who lost his wife reported this: "At his worst moments of pain, he never hears a happy song coming out of his heart. When he hears a song, it's the music of desire, of longing for what is not now and will never be till heaven. 'Tears have become my deepest form of worship.' He spoke with passion.

Though I haven't lost my spouse (since I've never had one), I can identify with him in that I do believe that tears have also become my deepest form of worship. I hate crying because it makes my head hurt worse, "but it's in the pain that we discover our desire for God, and it's in the frustration of that desire that we come to realize how sturdy it is. We face the truth that there is no other answer. To whom else shall we go? Moving toward anything else we might desire is idolatry and foolishness. Only God has the life our souls desperately need. We come to really believe that. So we abandon ourselves to Him. And we wait. Any experience of His presence is given as a sovereign mercy. There is no formula for making it happen.--No longer do we live for blessings; no longer do we pray, 'God, here is what I need. Give it to me!' Now we rest, an agitated rest that includes the agony of frustration, but stil we rest. And we learn to say, 'God, whoever You are, whatever You do, that is all I want. I demand nothing. I will wait for You.'"

I don't think I have to write a book anymore because Larry Crabb has already said everything that I would want to say, and he has done so with perfect words which I could not express.
My sister Lauren gave me his book Shattered Dreams for Christmas and it has been such a blessing to me ever since.

So that's where I'm at right now. Waiting on the Lord. It's not easy, but they say that good things come to those who wait. So that's exactly what I plan on doing. I'm trusting my faith, not my feelings.

Thank you for all of you who are praying for me! You are such a blessing. Prayer is powerful. So please, don't give up!

---

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Cor. 12:8-10 <3

Life-giving Joy

     Walking by faith and not by sight is the way of the few. We are innately more inclined to trust ourselves, relying on our own strength rather than to take a risk, a step of faith, and trust the Maker of the Universe, relying on His strength. I think one significant explanation of this comes from our misunderstanding of God’s will for our lives.
     We all desire to be happy. We wish for good health, safety for our loved ones, and comfort in material things like a warm house to live in, a nice car to drive, and fashionable clothes to wear. That’s along the lines of what everyone wants in life, right? And none of those wishes are bad.  The Declaration of Independence even states that “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness” are among our “unalienable rights,” and are the sovereign rights of man.
     I have to wonder though, if by viewing ourselves as entitled to happiness, or allowing our souls to be misdirected in sole pursuit of happiness, do we lose sight of the truth that God’s will for us is not to be happy, but joyful? Joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit, which is produced in us when we are truly abiding in Christ (John 15:1-17). Happiness, however, is not listed as a fruit of the Spirit, and is a mere emotion based on changing circumstances. I encourage you to take a look at Ephesians 5:16-26 right now and check it out for yourself.
     The difference between happiness and joy is very important to understand, especially for the Christian. Picture Happiness being on one side of the Grand Canyon and Joy on the other. There is a great chasm separating the two. It would require enormous effort to cross over from the side of happiness to the side of joy, and you must expect the journey would be quite painful and exhausting. And that it is. Because joy does not come easy, I feel confident enough to suggest that few really ever experience it in this life.
     In his book Shattered Dreams: God’s Unexpected Path to Joy Larry Crabb writes, “Happy people rarely look for joy. They’re quite content with what they have. The foundation of their life consists of the blessings they enjoy.” This may easily describe many of us who live comfortably. Crabb further goes on to challenging that “Happy people do not love well. Joyful people do.” If this is true, and we know that the Greatest Commandment is to love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself, then we need to seriously examine where we are right now. We as Christians are called to live a life of love. People should know us by our love. Maybe they don’t because we have yet to taste the fruit of joy for ourselves.
     He concludes with this convicting paragraph: “Only a few in any generation believe that the weight of knowing God is a blessing heavier (and by that I mean more wonderful) than every other. And those who believe it appear to have developed that conviction only through suffering. Happiness must be stripped away, forcibly, before joy can surface, before we will value and pursue dreams whose fulfillment produces true joy.”
    Leaving behind the pleasant feelings that pleasant circumstances generate in order to venture down the rocky road to joy is not easy. In order to experience true joy, though, and then love for real, we must experience deep suffering. Luckily for those who have placed their trust in Jesus Christ, there is hope. That hope, however, does not mean a life free from suffering. No. There is no shortcut to joy, but that’s for our own good. “For Jesus, the answer to suffering is to suffer intensely, and then to walk through that pain—through prayer, the Word, spiritual disciplines, and community—toward the center of your soul where above all else you desire God.” We must hurt when we hurt. We are not doing ourselves any favors by pretending we’re okay. Rushing recovery to escape the pain is no good either. Haste makes waste, right? But BE ENCOURAGED! “Shattered dreams are the prelude to joy. Always. In the middle of our pain, God is working for our joy. At some point, He works in ways we can see.”
     There is no greater joy than knowing and experiencing God. Apart from God, who is the giver of joy, we are unable to experience real love and love others, for God is love. Happiness found in temporary things will only last for a lifetime and then fade away. Joy rooted in hope that’s produced from suffering, however, will carry us through the hardships of this world and into the Heavenly realm of eternity where we will forever rest in the presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. That’s what makes this life worth living. I pray that you all find that life-giving joy. And remember, God works all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).