Breaking Through Reality's Limits

Last week was so busy that I did not have time to post, but after taking well over 500 pictures, I had a hard time picking just one to write about for week 23 of my 52 Week Project. This one stood out to me though. 

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 23

For starters, I've never seen a storm cloud like this before in my life! On Thursday evening, my boyfriend Pat, two of his cousins, and I walked up 110th street in Stone Harbor so the boys could practice their golf swing by the ocean. I tagged along of course, hoping to snag some cool pictures on the beach, but we didn't stay for very long. Once we reached the sand, we spotted this crazy cloud off to our left. It had lightning bolts shooting down from it and stretched twice as long as what I could capture in this photo. For nearly ten minutes, I focused my camera and all my attention on this cloud, attempting to catch a shot of the lightning.

Little did we know, as we stood fixated on this cloud to our left, that an even larger, darker, scarier storm cloud was forming right above us.

This picture doesn't really convey the apprehension we all were feeling at the time, but those clouds were moving fast enough that we unanimously decided to call it a night and head home.  

My experience that night on the beach reminds me of how often I become so focused on the stressors and upsets of life that I fail to recognize the more serious spiritual warfare taking place all around me, thus leaving myself unprotected from Satan's attacks. 

There is so much more to this life than life itself. As the finite beings that we are, we often have great trouble looking past our present circumstances. We secretly desire more, but we fear that our longing will never be satisfied because we've grown so accustomed to a limited reality of life. And so we make our best effort to survive on the tiny morsels of temporary happiness that we can salvage, hoping they'll suffice, but knowing from past experience that they can never quite last long enough. 

In the same way that I failed to see that dark storm cloud above me on the beach because I was focusing on the strange, long cloud, we won't ever see more than our present circumstances if we don't turn ourselves around and look up. Only by the grace of God and his incredible mercy can we even begin to understand the mystery of the unseen spiritual reality that surrounds us. We need to become more aware of the limits that we place on reality and be open to how God will break through them. Until God's work is completed, the battle against evil and our own sinful nature continues to rage; yet, we must not forget that God's plan entails redeeming the whole world, so we can be sure that things are changing---even when the storm clouds roll in---and in the end, all will be changed for good. God never abandons the work of his hands, but promises to finish with the mark of perfection.

With this in mind, we need not fear the battle. For our Lord already has won the victory, and He has given us everything we need for life and godliness. As 2 Peter 1:3-4 states, "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." What a blessing it is to catch glimpses of God's grand scheme of things. 

A couple weeks ago I wrote a poem for the dove in our front garden. This week, I'm making another attempt at the whole poetry thing because I feel like prose can't adequately express the dynamics of my experience this week. 

"I Long for You"

I long to desire You above all others,

to seek you first, forsaking the rest.

Though now my heart still roams and wanders,

Your arms are where I know I belong, where I fit best.

I long to know You and to be known by You

in the most intimate way that transforms my soul.

Though my body is weak and my thoughts ever fleeting,

My spirit cries out, "Lord, take me home! Just take me home!"

I long to please you Lord in everything I say and do,

to bless your name, oh Great I Am.

Though I have stumbled and fallen many a time,

You cleanse me once again with the blood of the Lamb. 

Not just another flower picture

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 20/52
Some Good-Looking Thorns

In case anyone was wondering, it's a tad difficult to focus on the thorns of a rose bush when its decadent flowers constantly fight for your attention. Anyhow, that's what I tried to do in this picture for Week 20 of my 52 Week Project. Although I had to edit it a lot to achieve what I had in mind---some good-looking thorns---the entire process ironically encompasses the change of heart that I've experienced this past week.

I must start by explaining, in brief, the news we received at my doctor's appointment on Tuesday afternoon....

For the most part, we were very encouraged by the news: all the parasites, bacteria, and viruses are gone! I still have some "imprints" or scars on my cells from the Lyme bacteria, which has caused a slight autoimmune response, but after a month or so of taking a homeopathic remedy, I should be all clear. So that's very good news!  Praise be to God, the Great Physician who mends all our wounds and heals all our diseases!

With this great news, we had to ask the tough question about the possibility of permanent damage since I went undiagnosed and mistreated for so long and still have headaches everyday. The doctor said that sometimes patients have "dead spots" in their brain, which are supposedly permanent. I asked if those were technically called hypo-perfusions, because that's what showed up on my brain scan a while back when we first started thinking I had Lyme. He said yes, that they're the same. He continued to say, however, that even though the dead spots are lost now, the brain can re-route itself and work around those areas. The brain is pretty incredible.

But still, that's the part of the appointment that made it hard for me to fully rejoice over the miracle of healing. I thought, Wow, so I'm pretty much healthy, but because of this stupid brain damage I'll probably still feel pain, neuro symptoms, and memory impairment the rest of my life. That's just great.

After all I've experienced over the past three years, I most certainly cried over and still grieve the damage and loss, but I do not doubt in the least the sufficiency of God's grace, power, and strength in my weakness. Perhaps the dead spots will serve as a good reminder of how God has sustained and will continue to sustain me. I mean, it's a miracle that I've come this far already, and even with the permanent brain damage that remains, I know that God can still work miracles in and through me. What else could better attest to his great power and faithfulness? I can't help but to deeply identify, once again, with Paul when he writes about his vision and the thorn in 2 Corinthians 12:


To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (verses 7-10)

I honestly believe that God has purposefully made me weak, with regard to my own strength, in order to make me strong through the strength that comes from Him alone. God has healed me, but I think to keep me from becoming conceited---from boasting about my intelligence, achievements, and honors---he has chosen to allow some weakness and damage to remain in my brain. However, when I can boast gladly about that, though, Christ's power rests on me. I know this to be true. I've felt it. This amazing truth of Christ's power within me has transformed my mind in ways that no medicine or therapy ever could. Though outwardly and physically we are all wasting away, inwardly and spiritually I am being renewed day by day through the power of the Holy Spirit who helps me fix my eyes on the unseen, eternal aspects of life. Because in the big scheme of things, God knows that even permanent brain damage is really only temporary. One day He will restore and redeem everything. All will be made new. The dead will be raised and the dead spots will be brought back to life in the glorious presence of our risen Savior, Jesus Christ. Now that is some really Good News! Amen??

Coming back to where I started, with the idea of the thorn, I'm learning more than ever before that all good things must be protected. Just as rose thorns are a protective adaptation to keep animals from destroying the entire rosebush, maybe my brain damage will guard against conceit and pride, which seek to attack the good fruit, lessons learned, and spiritual maturity that the past three years of trial and pain have produced in me.  After all, nothing exists without purpose. Perhaps this is just it.

Learning a lot

I know it's been a while, but let me just say, life has been pretty crazy busy, which for me is definitely a change in pace. I officially started an online lit class through Messiah on Monday, even though I had to begin work for it prior. There's sooo much work to do. Lots of reading, writing, and you know, thinking...which has been harder for me, especially today, than I imagined it would be. I did however, have a chance to share some of what I've already shared here before about how I've learned to boast in my weakness, in hardship, and in difficulty, for when I am weak then I am strong (2 Cor 12:8-10). I didn't plan on sharing my sob story with the class, but after reading this one guy's post, I felt like it would probably be a good thing if I did. My heart was heavy today because I felt frustrated and ashamed with how long it took me to complete my assignments, but then I remember the verse I just mentioned, and I felt like God was nudging me to really boast about my weakness, specifically my mental weakness that I felt was magnified today, so that's what I did. And you know what, no one has responded to my post yet, but at least I feel as if I have learned something of importance today and gained a new understanding of what it means to boast (in other words, to not be ashamed) about my weaknesses.

Closing out, it's been a LONG day! I've pretty much been working since 10 a.m. and just stopped a minute ago to listen to a song my boyfriend posted on Facebook that I desperately needed to hear after nearly 10 hours of trying to think. It's called Arms that Hold the Universe. I really like it. And it's a perfect song if you're going through hard and tough times as it reminds us that God is still all-powerful, still in control, still holding you in his arms, and never letting you go.

I've listened to it four times already. Enjoy! God Bless! Good night to all, and to all a good night!

"You can hope. You can rise. You can stand. He's still got the whole world in His hands"

The Best TastyKake Ever

Today I had a TastyKake. A chocolate KandyKake to be exact. Dark chocolate on the outside with chocolate cake lined with vanilla cream on the inside. After six or so weeks of a strict, low-fat vegan diet, I thought I deserved a treat. Besides, it was a miserable, rainy day, and my head already hurt. That was my reasoning. So I went ahead, indulged my craving, and let me tell you...nothing could have tasted better.

I felt a little guilty afterwards, knowing I'd pay for it later, but it was so worth it. The highlight of my day even. So much so that I'm writing about it now, on my blog that I rarely feel inspired enough to post. But it was just that good. And the whole ordeal got me to thinking.

As sinful human beings, we are more prone to give into temptation when we are weak, run-down, tired, and hurting--although rainy days don't help either. It's times like these that we lose sight of the goal and fail to persevere toward the finish line. This seems to go in cycles too. I can at least speak for myself that it does. One day I'll be strong and able to resist temptation, whatever it may be--even as simple as avoiding sweets because they're bad for me--and then the next day I'll be weak and indulge in the best TastyKake of my life! I've been thinking about this all day. Like many things, I knew there was a deeper, spiritual meaning just waiting to be uncovered, because "everything is spiritual" as Rob Bell would say.

Just a moment ago, I found this online devotional posted on a friend's Facebook page, and I clicked on it, hoping to read something inspiring, refreshing, strengthening. I believe it satisfies my quandary. Here's a little excerpt:

Delayed 

"Know of a surety that thy seed shall be sojourners in a land that is not theirs; . . . they shall afflict them four hundred years; . . . and afterward they shall come out with great substance" (Gen. 15:12-14).

     An assured part of God's pledged blessing to us is delay and suffering. A delay in Abram's own lifetime that seemed to put God's pledge beyond fulfillment was followed by seemingly unendurable delay of Abram's descendants. But it was only a delay: they "came out with great substance." The pledge was redeemed.

     God is going to test me with delays; and with the delays will come suffering, but through it all stands God's pledge: His new covenant with me in Christ, and His inviolable promise of every lesser blessing that I need. The delay and the suffering are part of the promised blessing; let me praise Him for them today; and let me wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He will strengthen my heart.

     --C. G. Trumbull

                                     
Is God delaying something in your life? If so, be encouraged and take heart because delay is part of His pledge. We will be tempted by the TastyKakes in our lives to give up on God's plan for us when we are in the midst of the battle; yet, the hardship is part of the blessing. This is not a masochistic philosophy. However, I've learned that although pain comes when God prunes away the dead branches from my heart that bear no fruit, when I abide in his loving arms, He faithfully restores me and I thrive as a result (John 15). Even when we can't see Him working on the outside, we can have faith that he is doing a good work within us. That's the other part of the blessing of His promise to his children.

God is the potter. We are the clay. Our job is to be moldable. He is constantly working to refine us, and it's easier if we listen and open our hearts to His. In what areas is He desiring to mold and refine you today?

"Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.

We are the clay, you are the potter;

we are all the work of your hand."

Isaiah 64:8

Experiencing Power in Weakness

I’m so glad that I was able to go to youth group tonight because I came away refreshed, with a deeper understanding of a lesson that I thought I had on lock. Let me explain.

One major truth that God has been showing me through out what at times seems like a never-ending trial, is that weakness is not something to be looked down upon, but rather embraced. The message tonight was so encouraging and exactly what I needed to hear. Despite having a really bad headache, I got a lot out of it. I’m just going to share a little and hopefully someone will also be moved by it.

Mike, the pastor of the high school ministry at our church, started off with some background on the Hebrew culture during the time of Jesus’ ministry, which shed a new light on some familiar passages. In those days, rabbis (spiritual teachers) had very prestigious roles in society. Similar to a doctor, or a lawyer, or a rocket scientist, rabbis were held above other occupations. As a result, they also had money. Families who were "well off" would send their children, at age SIX, to study under a rabbi in hopes of them learning, growing, and becoming a rabbi themselves. However, it was not an easy undertaking in the least. By age ten, they needed to have the Torah, the first five books of the Bible, memorized. I've recently read through Leviticus, and well, you try reading through it if that statement doesn't shock you. At that point, the rabbi would decide who had the most potential to learn the best and then send the rest back home where they would resort to learning the family trade—carpentry, fishing, blacksmithing? Or whatever it may be. By age fourteen, those who made the cut and remained under the rabbi’s direction would have the entire Hebrew Bible memorized! Woahhh! Crazy stuff right?! The rabbi would then make another cut, deciding who would stay and who would go home. By the end, I guess after more years of training and more cuts, only one or two students would remain, and so they would eventually “graduate”, become rabbis, do ministry, and continue the cycle.

Before people acknowledged Jesus as the Son of the Most High God, he was recognized as a teacher like the rabbis, specifically, though, as "one who taught with authority." Jesus was counter-cultural.