Not Faking It No More

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 15/52
This picture has significant meaning to me, 
but I've chosen not to explain it here.
I hope that you all can still appreciate it for what it is
& how it touches your hearts.

"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." ~ Psalm 61:2

This has been a really hard week for my family. Grief brings many strong emotions, unanswered questions, and tears. We know that we need not grieve like those who have no hope, but hope doesn't always answer the questions. Many times throughout this week, I've felt the sustaining power of hope in the course of the day and the long, restless nights. This hope is able to comfort our aching souls in the midst of a painful loss, however, I've found that the anguish I feel still remains.

How quickly we forget that even those who have faith in the God of all comfort can experience intense emotional pain. This week reminded me of that for sure. I've asked God lots of questions; I've been open and honest with how overwhelmed I've felt by the shock; I've sobbed spontaneously on more than one, two, or three occasions. I cannot tell you that I have it all together, or that I feel complete peace in my heart. Chaos and confusion surround me. Doubt and disbelief fille my thoughts. My emotions certainly do not seem to logically reflect my faith. . . and honestly, that bothers me.

Even in knowing the truth of God's word, of his unfailing love, grief has the unmatched ability to cloud my understanding or experience of what I know in my head to be true. I don't get how grief can do that so effectively. I haven't taken a class on death, grief, and dying yet, though I plan to at some point for my minor. Maybe then I'll be able to explain the powerful effects of grief. But for now, all I know is my experience of it.

I've been tempted to criticize myself for not having a "strong enough" faith, evidenced by my intense anguish I've felt recently over a tragic loss in our family. But criticism doesn't seem right either. During those times, I try remind myself of the account of when Jesus was in the garden on the Mount of Olives the night before his cruxificion. After Jesus prays his prayer, "...not my will, but yours be done" Luke writes in chapter 22 that "an angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground" (v. 42-44).

The thing that I love the most about these few verses is that even after the angel came and strengthened Jesus, he was still in anguish. Jesus--God incarnate--was in anguish. I can only imagine that Jesus must have been grieving over his own death before it came to pass, although that probably only begins to scratch the surface of the mix of emotions that he must've felt that night.

There's no doubt that my hope is in the Lord my God, who strengthens me in my weakness, hears me when I call, and knows each tear that falls from my face---I know this to be true---yet, grief and anguish have consumed much of my energy this past week. My heart is still not yet at ease, but I've felt God's presence in the midst of that. He has handled me and the hot mess that I am very well. Surely if Jesus could express his anguish even after being divinely strengthened, he must understand.

So I'm not going to fake that I'm okay. I'm still confused and hurt, but I think that God needs our hurt and pain. He probably wants us to give it to him because after all, Jesus died to take on all the sins of the world, and isn't sin at the root of any hurt or pain we experience? Hiding our pain from him or just trying to stuff it down and ignore it doesn't do anyone any good. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be feeling the things that I feel, but seriously, when it comes down it, God already knows us more than we know ourselves, so expressing our feelings to Him isn't going to come as a shock. His love for us is unconditional. By taking that in, we can all let out a big sigh of relief!

We are not commanded or expected to "have it all together" or know all the "right" answers or be "completely sure" of every aspect of our faith. God's grace is sufficient, even in our weakness, in our confusion, and in our doubts. His love is unfailing even when we don't understand the how or the why.

"I spread out my hands to you;

my soul thirsts for you like a 

parched land."

~ Psalm 143:6

"We wait in hope for the Lord; 

           he is our help and our shield. 

In him our hearts rejoice, 

          for we trust in his holy name. 

May your unfailing love rest upon us, 

O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."
~ Psalm 33:20-22