My Daily Dose of Beauty

This past summer I invested in a new digital camera. Nothing too over-the-top, but complex enough that I'm still trying to figure out how to fully utilize all of its high-tech settings. After trying to capture our family vacation to Florida, our friend's wedding, a Philly's game or two, going to college, coming home for Fall Break, and the many memorable moments in between, I presently I find myself with the most precious little puppy sprawled across my lap on this year's Christmas Eve eve.

I absolutely love taking pictures. I love looking back and remembering. Making memories is one thing, but for me, holding on to them, appreciating and cherishing them, is of great value.

Out of the thousands of pictures I've taken since July, the vast majority has been of people and nature. Both of which radiate beauty from their core. But there's something about flowers in particular that has captured my eye.

Their vibrant color, delicate form, and breath of pureness, their complexity wrapped up in the beauty of simplicity, their ability to nourish, comfort, and inspire. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I love flowers. Along with the rest of nature's adornments, the eloquent beauty of a flower often provides me with my daily dose of beauty that my soul so desperately craves.

If we didn't need beauty in our lives, then God could've created a colorless, dreary, flowerless Earth in which we would feel satisfied living the mundane life. But if you stop for a minute amidst the chaos of last minute Christmas shopping, cooking, and cleaning, and look around, the beauty of creation speaks.

Its beauty invites us to linger, take it in, explore--and as we gaze upon the magnificent creation around us, we can catch a glimpse of the Creator's beauty as well, reminding us of the hope of eternity where more beauty awaits, ready to be unveiled upon our arrival.

This Christmas, don't busy yourself so much so that you miss your chance to stop and smell the roses (or the fresh pine and gingerbread cookies), to gaze upon the beauty all around you, and to draw near to and thank the God who encompasses the very essence of beauty and makes this season one worth celebrating.

Just Keep Swimming

Over the past week and a half, I feel like I've been developing, or redeveloping, Dory's philosophy of "Just Keep Swimming" in spite of the fear and anxiety brought on by the unknown. I'd like to say first of all to anyone who thinks that Disney/Pixar movies are childish and lacking in substance, you are very much mistaken and I pity you. Open your eyes! There are important life lessons that can be discovered through the dynamic characters, even though they are just cartoons. 


With that said, I'd like to share with you, as promised, the news we received last Tuesday from the testing that this new doctor performed. It was a very, VERY long day, and a lot of information was thrown at us. We all, my family and I, needed a good deal of time to absorb it, wrestle with it, cry over it, and pray through it. That's why it's taken me a week and a half to bring myself to write this post. Even now I don't have it all sorted out, but I can at least share what I know as well as some more specific prayer requests we have now as a result of obtaining this new information.


The tests pretty much confirmed most of the things that we suspected have been making me sick; however, due to the inaccuracy, and thus lack of dependency on the traditional blood tests, I had only tested positive for Rickekisia, other wise known as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, which is a tick-born disease. These tests were different though because they used frequencies to determine if certain parasites, bacteria, and viruses are hiding inside my cells. Just because something is inside the cell does not mean it will necessarily show up in the blood, so it makes that the blood tests would come back negative. I tested positive for ten different bugs: three parasites, four kinds of bacteria, and one virus. Two of the bacteria have two different strains though, so it's really a total six of the little buggers. Some of the more commons ones include Borellia (Lyme disease), Babesia, Strep, RMSF, and feline leukemia---all very interesting...


The tests also showed that my whole body has been affected by these infections. Almost all of my organ systems are considered "weak areas" but especially my thyroid, liver, spleen, adrenal, and hippocampus (short-term memory). The goal is to be at least functioning at 70% in each area but those areas in my body are all bottoming out at a mere 60% . . . Not O.K. 


So what this means is that after nearly a year of antibiotic protocols, I will be starting a new treatment plan the second week in August after we get back from Florida. This doctor treats with herbs, however I can keep taking my antibiotics in the beginning to keep some of my dorment symptoms from reawakening. Each bug must be treated individually, one at a time. There is an herb kit for each bug which lasts 18-21 days if all goes well...so doing the math, it'll be at least 200 days, which is about 7 months of treatment if I'm able to do one right after the other at full strength. The doctor seems very confident that I will feel better after this, but he said I may experience some side effects from the herbs that could range from mild to severe (we'll be praying for no side effects at all though right?!?!)  He also wants to give both me and my sister Lauren (who is also sick with similar but different bugs) these shots to help boost our organ functions, which should also help with my short-term memory loss. 


The short-term memory loss (and cognitive impairment) has definitely been most frustrating, regardless of how much we joke about it at times. That's another area in which I can identify with Dory---this has been going on, remember, for over two and a half years. It's been a long time. I've regressed, hit rock bottom, progressed, plateaued, regressed again, and gone up and down a lot. That's the nature of these infections. If that doesn't take you on an emotional roller coaster than I don't know what would! I have had my good days and my bad days. Sometimes I get tired of it all and just wanna give up, but my fear of what giving up looks like helps me to endure just a little bit longer. 


It's in the fight that hope can be renewed, providing the strength, patience, and perspective needed to persevere. I've grown much stronger as a result of this sickness, this seemingly unending trial, but I can honestly tell you that my strength does not arise from myself. The strength I use to fight this battle is rooted in the joy of the Lord, Jesus Christ the Risen King. He didn't come to save us from suffering, but rather to enter into it with us, both in the moment of his crucifixion as well as in our present suffering. If Jesus was able to defeat death, which he did, and if I have the power that raised Christ from the dead in me, which I do, than certainly I can defeat this illness. I will do so by lifting my eyes above my suffering to my Father and Savior in Heaven whose grace is sufficient for me, whose power is made perfect in weakness, whose love endures forever, whose mercy reaches to the sky. 


When you lift your eyes to the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the weight of the dirt and grime of this life diminishes. He lifts the burden. He makes the load lighter. The miraculous discovery of joy, not just happiness which proves ever so fleeting but deep joy amidst pain and suffering---the joy of the Lord, my friends--is a beautiful thing; a blessing in disguise; a fine treasure that can only be found in the deepest, darkest mines of life's valleys. My heart grieves for those who refuse, dismiss, or neglect the beauty these landmarks of suffering have to offer, for in doing so, they will most likely overlook the greatest treasure that man could ever possess this side of Heaven.


I just want to take one last moment and thank everyone who has been praying for me, specifically through these tests, as well as the neurological testing I had done on Monday--we won't get those results for another six weeks or so. Don't forget that prayer is soooo powerful. So often, we have not because we ask not. As we seek God's face, may He direct our paths. He knows our every need, and He's in control over it all. The God who spoke and this world came to be is the God who holds you and me in the palm of His hand. He's been faithful thus far. He has proven Himself trustworthy. So I'm gonna keep trusting Him. He knows this is gonna make me stronger; us stronger. The Potter just knows these things. 

I'm loving this song right now. "Stronger" by Mandisa. Check it out :)

 

Learning a lot

I know it's been a while, but let me just say, life has been pretty crazy busy, which for me is definitely a change in pace. I officially started an online lit class through Messiah on Monday, even though I had to begin work for it prior. There's sooo much work to do. Lots of reading, writing, and you know, thinking...which has been harder for me, especially today, than I imagined it would be. I did however, have a chance to share some of what I've already shared here before about how I've learned to boast in my weakness, in hardship, and in difficulty, for when I am weak then I am strong (2 Cor 12:8-10). I didn't plan on sharing my sob story with the class, but after reading this one guy's post, I felt like it would probably be a good thing if I did. My heart was heavy today because I felt frustrated and ashamed with how long it took me to complete my assignments, but then I remember the verse I just mentioned, and I felt like God was nudging me to really boast about my weakness, specifically my mental weakness that I felt was magnified today, so that's what I did. And you know what, no one has responded to my post yet, but at least I feel as if I have learned something of importance today and gained a new understanding of what it means to boast (in other words, to not be ashamed) about my weaknesses.

Closing out, it's been a LONG day! I've pretty much been working since 10 a.m. and just stopped a minute ago to listen to a song my boyfriend posted on Facebook that I desperately needed to hear after nearly 10 hours of trying to think. It's called Arms that Hold the Universe. I really like it. And it's a perfect song if you're going through hard and tough times as it reminds us that God is still all-powerful, still in control, still holding you in his arms, and never letting you go.

I've listened to it four times already. Enjoy! God Bless! Good night to all, and to all a good night!

"You can hope. You can rise. You can stand. He's still got the whole world in His hands"

Lessons of Trust

Being sick, I have much more free time in my day than most people. In fact, I would venture to say that more often than not, my free time significantly outweighs the time I spend doing things I must do. Some days I value all the time I have to myself, but other days I long for more structure, for something that I have to do. Today has been a nice balance of both.

The three things I absolutely had to do included calling in a refill on a prescription I needed, getting in touch with my doctor about adding in more antibiotics, and connecting with my admissions counselor at Messiah College (where God-willing, I’ll be attending in the fall!). By two o’clock in the afternoon I finished everything! Most of you probably won’t be able to understand, but small feats like that are big accomplishments for me. Although my To-do List each day isn’t very long, it usually does take all day to complete everything.

Once that was done, I pretty much had the rest of the day to do with as I pleased. My activity of choice was reading. I do love to read, especially when I learn valuable lessons from the wisdom of the authors who I respect greatly. Last night I had read the first ten chapters (they were very short chapters) of Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot. I had always wanted to read her books because she spelled her name the same way I spell mine--with an ‘s’ instead of a ‘z’—and this one caught my eye as I was looking through our church’s library one night a couple weeks ago. The book is due this Sunday, so I thought it’s time I get to reading it if I want to finish it on time.

So far, it has told the beautiful story of Jim and Elisabeth Elliot’s relationship as they waited on the Lord for many years before they announced their engagement and were married. All throughout the chapters, Elisabeth includes timely scripture and portions of journal entries and letters she’s received from various people asking for her advice. Her wisdom is profound and she writes in a way that makes me want to keep reading more.

However, after finishing chapter 18 which is entitled, What Providence Has Gone and Done, I paused taking it all in and I knew I had to write about it. So I forced myself to put down the book, made a strawberry and pineapple smoothie, and here I am, about to share with you the incredibly insightful words I just read. Are you ready?? It’s good stuff. A “spiritual yummy” as a dear friend of mine likes to say. Mhmmm. ☺

Ahhh where to start? I wish I could copy the whole chapter so you could read it, but I’ll do my best to summarize. Forgive me if I write too much. Summarizing is not one of my gifts. Here it goes….

Jim and Elisabeth have professed their love for each other but must spend a great deal of time apart. Elisabeth has described her agonies of the soul. She is lovesick; yet, not reluctant to do what God wants her to do. She is determined to obey, but wonders, “Is it absolutely necessary for God to yank out of sight whatever we most prize, to drag us into spiritual traumas of the severest sort, to strip us naked in the winds of His purifying Spirit in order that we should learn to trust?” She admits that she’s overreacting over her love life and considers the real tribulation of the Apostle Paul. “Talk about lessons in trust,” she writes. “Have a look at what [he] suffered: shipwrecks, flogging, public lashings, imprisonment, chains, stocks, starvation, nakedness—all heaped on a man who, in spite of years of having persecuted Christians, had been transformed in an instant into God’s faithful servant.” And yet Paul’s testimony of trust is unwavering. In Romans 8:31-39 Paul declares,

“31What can we say about all this? If God is on our side, can anyone be against us? 32God did not keep back his own Son, but he gave him for us. If God did this, won't he freely give us everything else? 33If God says his chosen ones are acceptable to him, can anyone bring charges against them? 34Or can anyone condemn them? No indeed! Christ died and was raised to life, and now he is at God's right side, speaking to him for us. 35Can anything separate us from the love of Christ? Can trouble, suffering, and hard times, or hunger and nakedness, or danger and death? 36It is exactly as the Scriptures say,
"For you we face death
all day long.
We are like sheep
on their way
to be butchered."
37In everything we have won more than a victory because of Christ who loves us. 38I am sure that nothing can separate us from God's love--not life or death, not angels or spirits, not the present or the future, 39and not powers above or powers below. Nothing in all creation can separate us from God's love for us in Christ Jesus our Lord!”

Here’s the point of all this…. “Paul did not escape trouble. He was not exempt from human woes…Yet he was able to say he was winning the victory through Him who has proved His love for us. How? How had he proved His love? – Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature…The love of God did not protect His own Son. That was the proof of His love—that He gave that Son, that He let Him go to Calvary’s cross, though “legions of angels” might have rescued Him. He will not necessarily protect us—not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.”

Those are some strong words. But that’s total truth right there. Elisabeth speaks from years of experience, and continues by applying this truth to her love life dilemma. “Perhaps matters of the heart would seem like little things to Paul. I have a haunch they would. Well then—what about those? Can they put us beyond His love and redemption? The point is that we have to learn to trust in little things, even in what may seem like silly things, if we are ever going to be privileged to suffer in the big things….It’s no use trying to measure suffering. What matters is making the right use of it, taking advantage of the sense of helplessness it brings to turn one’s thoughts to God. Trust is the lesson. Jesus loves me, this I know—not because He does just what I’d like, but because the Bible tells me so. Calvary proves it. He loved me and gave Himself for me.”

Well, I think Elisabeth said it all. This was perfect timing for me, especially with Good Friday and Easter coming so soon. It served as a good reminder for me, and I thought it’d be easier to share it this way. I hope you’re blessed by it as well.

Luke 16:10 ~ “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”

<3

The Best TastyKake Ever

Today I had a TastyKake. A chocolate KandyKake to be exact. Dark chocolate on the outside with chocolate cake lined with vanilla cream on the inside. After six or so weeks of a strict, low-fat vegan diet, I thought I deserved a treat. Besides, it was a miserable, rainy day, and my head already hurt. That was my reasoning. So I went ahead, indulged my craving, and let me tell you...nothing could have tasted better.

I felt a little guilty afterwards, knowing I'd pay for it later, but it was so worth it. The highlight of my day even. So much so that I'm writing about it now, on my blog that I rarely feel inspired enough to post. But it was just that good. And the whole ordeal got me to thinking.

As sinful human beings, we are more prone to give into temptation when we are weak, run-down, tired, and hurting--although rainy days don't help either. It's times like these that we lose sight of the goal and fail to persevere toward the finish line. This seems to go in cycles too. I can at least speak for myself that it does. One day I'll be strong and able to resist temptation, whatever it may be--even as simple as avoiding sweets because they're bad for me--and then the next day I'll be weak and indulge in the best TastyKake of my life! I've been thinking about this all day. Like many things, I knew there was a deeper, spiritual meaning just waiting to be uncovered, because "everything is spiritual" as Rob Bell would say.

Just a moment ago, I found this online devotional posted on a friend's Facebook page, and I clicked on it, hoping to read something inspiring, refreshing, strengthening. I believe it satisfies my quandary. Here's a little excerpt:

Delayed 

"Know of a surety that thy seed shall be sojourners in a land that is not theirs; . . . they shall afflict them four hundred years; . . . and afterward they shall come out with great substance" (Gen. 15:12-14).

     An assured part of God's pledged blessing to us is delay and suffering. A delay in Abram's own lifetime that seemed to put God's pledge beyond fulfillment was followed by seemingly unendurable delay of Abram's descendants. But it was only a delay: they "came out with great substance." The pledge was redeemed.

     God is going to test me with delays; and with the delays will come suffering, but through it all stands God's pledge: His new covenant with me in Christ, and His inviolable promise of every lesser blessing that I need. The delay and the suffering are part of the promised blessing; let me praise Him for them today; and let me wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He will strengthen my heart.

     --C. G. Trumbull

                                     
Is God delaying something in your life? If so, be encouraged and take heart because delay is part of His pledge. We will be tempted by the TastyKakes in our lives to give up on God's plan for us when we are in the midst of the battle; yet, the hardship is part of the blessing. This is not a masochistic philosophy. However, I've learned that although pain comes when God prunes away the dead branches from my heart that bear no fruit, when I abide in his loving arms, He faithfully restores me and I thrive as a result (John 15). Even when we can't see Him working on the outside, we can have faith that he is doing a good work within us. That's the other part of the blessing of His promise to his children.

God is the potter. We are the clay. Our job is to be moldable. He is constantly working to refine us, and it's easier if we listen and open our hearts to His. In what areas is He desiring to mold and refine you today?

"Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.

We are the clay, you are the potter;

we are all the work of your hand."

Isaiah 64:8

Experiencing Power in Weakness

I’m so glad that I was able to go to youth group tonight because I came away refreshed, with a deeper understanding of a lesson that I thought I had on lock. Let me explain.

One major truth that God has been showing me through out what at times seems like a never-ending trial, is that weakness is not something to be looked down upon, but rather embraced. The message tonight was so encouraging and exactly what I needed to hear. Despite having a really bad headache, I got a lot out of it. I’m just going to share a little and hopefully someone will also be moved by it.

Mike, the pastor of the high school ministry at our church, started off with some background on the Hebrew culture during the time of Jesus’ ministry, which shed a new light on some familiar passages. In those days, rabbis (spiritual teachers) had very prestigious roles in society. Similar to a doctor, or a lawyer, or a rocket scientist, rabbis were held above other occupations. As a result, they also had money. Families who were "well off" would send their children, at age SIX, to study under a rabbi in hopes of them learning, growing, and becoming a rabbi themselves. However, it was not an easy undertaking in the least. By age ten, they needed to have the Torah, the first five books of the Bible, memorized. I've recently read through Leviticus, and well, you try reading through it if that statement doesn't shock you. At that point, the rabbi would decide who had the most potential to learn the best and then send the rest back home where they would resort to learning the family trade—carpentry, fishing, blacksmithing? Or whatever it may be. By age fourteen, those who made the cut and remained under the rabbi’s direction would have the entire Hebrew Bible memorized! Woahhh! Crazy stuff right?! The rabbi would then make another cut, deciding who would stay and who would go home. By the end, I guess after more years of training and more cuts, only one or two students would remain, and so they would eventually “graduate”, become rabbis, do ministry, and continue the cycle.

Before people acknowledged Jesus as the Son of the Most High God, he was recognized as a teacher like the rabbis, specifically, though, as "one who taught with authority." Jesus was counter-cultural.

Back.On.Track.

Hey everyone! I just gotta start by asking you all to please forgive me…I know that I kind of disappeared for a while there. You’ve been looking for new posts but there was none to be found. I could make excuses for myself, but I’d rather not. All I’m saying is I’m back and want to be more disciplined in writing everyday.

It’s all too easy for me to fall into the habit of not finishing what I’ve started and excusing myself because I’m sick…and frankly, I’m bothered by that. This mental laziness, which in part has been brought on by my illness, is slowly suffocating me. My mind needs to breathe. I refuse to be victimized. I refuse to do nothing. I refuse to be defined by sickness. I refuse to give up because I refuse to fail.

Even on the rough days when I’m feeling sick and discouraged, I want to post something. It could be as simple as an update on my health, a weary request for prayer or some thought that’s on my mind at the moment. I have some strong perfectionist tendencies that when combined with fatigue, pain, and discouragement, often keep me from writing. I am determined, however, to rise up and fight what’s holding me back. There will be times I succeed and times I stumble. My writing will certainly not be perfect or qualify as “A” material, but I’m trying to loosen my grip on expecting perfection because I know how imperfect I truly am. One word of wisdom that I had heard often from my teachers at school is that something is always better than nothing…and I promise there will be more “somethings” than “nothings” from now on, so keep checking in. Also, it’s nice to know someone is reading what I write so feel free to comment below and let me know you’re here.

Next on the “To-Do” List is learning how to create new pages or links (I'm new at this) on my blog where I can first, attempt to explain my illness in more detail for those of you who don’t know how sick I’ve actually been the past two years and second, have a dedicated prayer page maybe? Prayer is the strongest medicine out there, it’s free, and you can never overdose. That’s what I need the most, and I deeply appreciate all of you who have been faithful in praying for me. Thank you!

Well, now that that’s all out there, I feel like I can actually start writing again. I think I’ll try to go to bed early tonight though and come back tomorrow. I never took my daily nap today, so I’m calling it a night before 9. Wow. Okay. No making fun! Haha....yeahhh.

Good night!! Don’t let the bedbugs bite! ☺

Waiting--

It's been a while since I've posted anything...the past week and a half has been pretty rough--filled with stubborn migraines, fatigue, and an array of emotions which makes it a little difficult to write. I feel like I've finally gotten a break though, and I haven't even had to take any pain medicine the past two days! So I'm thankful for that.

There are sooo many things on my heart and mind right now as I reflect upon the painful days. It's hard not to get discouraged in the midst of the bad times, but knowing that the good days are on their way helps me to be patient. I want to share with you this psalm that pretty much describes what I couldn't put into words on my own this week. It's 20 verses which may look like a lot, but please just read it to the end. That's where I'm at right now.


Psalm 77
(For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.)


1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 The waters saw you, God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the heavens resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.


Sometimes I don't necessarily "feel" God's presence, comfort, and peace. Sometimes it seems like He's unresponsive. Silent. My first response to Him in those times is frustration which often comes out as arrogance, thinking that I deserve or am entitled to an encounter with the Almighty God. I remember his faithfulness and the precious times we shared together. I treasure those moments; yet, here I am now wondering where He is. Though I know that He promises never to leave me nor forsake me, I long to hear his voice, to feel his touch, to see his face. The longing, while not satisfied, continues to grow, deepening my desire for Him even more. As I focus on Him and meditate upon his character, I still struggle to make sense of the silence. I feel like I'm totally aware of my desire for Him, yet I'm still waiting in my painful, desperate state, to truly discover Him.

I know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. In Larry Crabb's book Shattered Dreams, he writes about others who have experienced deep pain and loss. A man who lost his wife reported this: "At his worst moments of pain, he never hears a happy song coming out of his heart. When he hears a song, it's the music of desire, of longing for what is not now and will never be till heaven. 'Tears have become my deepest form of worship.' He spoke with passion.

Though I haven't lost my spouse (since I've never had one), I can identify with him in that I do believe that tears have also become my deepest form of worship. I hate crying because it makes my head hurt worse, "but it's in the pain that we discover our desire for God, and it's in the frustration of that desire that we come to realize how sturdy it is. We face the truth that there is no other answer. To whom else shall we go? Moving toward anything else we might desire is idolatry and foolishness. Only God has the life our souls desperately need. We come to really believe that. So we abandon ourselves to Him. And we wait. Any experience of His presence is given as a sovereign mercy. There is no formula for making it happen.--No longer do we live for blessings; no longer do we pray, 'God, here is what I need. Give it to me!' Now we rest, an agitated rest that includes the agony of frustration, but stil we rest. And we learn to say, 'God, whoever You are, whatever You do, that is all I want. I demand nothing. I will wait for You.'"

I don't think I have to write a book anymore because Larry Crabb has already said everything that I would want to say, and he has done so with perfect words which I could not express.
My sister Lauren gave me his book Shattered Dreams for Christmas and it has been such a blessing to me ever since.

So that's where I'm at right now. Waiting on the Lord. It's not easy, but they say that good things come to those who wait. So that's exactly what I plan on doing. I'm trusting my faith, not my feelings.

Thank you for all of you who are praying for me! You are such a blessing. Prayer is powerful. So please, don't give up!

---

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Cor. 12:8-10 <3

Where I was about a year ago: The Awakening

I wanted to share with you an essay that I wrote over a year ago for my 12th grade AP English class, so you can get an idea of where I'm coming from. It is dated November 23, 2009.

A lot has changed since then. Now we have a somewhat conclusive diagnosis of Lyme disease. However, a lot has stayed the same.

It's best if you just read it.


The Awakening

As I awoke with another piercing migraine this morning, discouraging thoughts went racing through my head. I wondered if the pain would ever cease; if all the intercessory prayers, along with my own, would ever receive an affirmative response; if I would ever be able to enjoy my senior year of high school; if I would ever be on top again. Though my head was pounding, I arose from my warm and comfortable, queen-sized bed with a sigh, in order to arrive at yet another doctor’s appointment where I would undergo yet another diagnostic test. The fun just never ends.

This is a typical morning in the life of Elisabeth Edelman—a seventeen year old, chronic migraine sufferer. She has faced abounding disappointments, tainting every area of her life. Elisabeth’s view of hope is now as an unreachable, theoretical concept held captive behind a wall of suffering and despair that is built upon a firm foundation of unfortunate circumstances. Her passions and desires are suppressed by the burdens of the present, and the future is uncertain. Once uncertainty and disappointment merge, discouragement accelerates.

As my mom ignored multiple speed limit signs while driving me to my appointment, I reflected on what had taken place the previous night. Being blindsided in a conversation with my director, I was informed that my spot in a prestigious performance group was questionable. Though I was shocked, I knew my health dictated the action. If I ever thought that my life was hard enough, a curve ball would hit me, thus, convincing me otherwise. In that moment, quiet tears of sadness streamed down my face, being replenished by an overwhelming sense of helplessness. I could do nothing to change the situation.

The performing arts give Elisabeth an outlet to express herself. They are therapeutic in distracting her from the constant, searing pain. The stage is also a place where Elisabeth can do what she does best—act as if she is not suffering. It provides Elisabeth with a mask that she can wear in addition to the armor of courage and stoicism she must put on everyday. While authenticity is adulterated when masks are worn off stage, masks are expected and required to be worn on stage. However, if Elisabeth’s stage mask were torn off, it would expose a young girl with a wounded spirit and hinder her expression of passion.

After returning home, taking medication, and resting my eyes in hope of relieving some pain, I craved a taste of the outside world, so I checked my e-mail. With little expectation that any message in my inbox could lift my heavy-laden spirit, I was pleasantly surprised by what I assumed would be just another pestering college reminder. It contained an encouraging quote that Abigail Adams had written in a letter to her son, John Quincy, “The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. Great necessities call out great virtues. When a mind is raised, and animated by the scenes that engage the heart, then those qualities which would otherwise lay dormant, wake into life and form the character of the hero and the statesman.” I was not quite sure how it happened, but when I finished reading that powerful quote, my anxious thoughts were silenced.

As Elisabeth sits back in her chair, something awakes inside her. Her hope has broken through the wall of suffering and despair, illuminating the foundation of unfortunate circumstances. Her competitive nature has been refreshed, and she can now mentally prepare herself for battle against the opposition that currently wages war upon her entire being. Hope has transformed darkness into the light that guides Elisabeth through the despair of her present trial. Though she is in a season of grief, she knows that her pain is temporary while her hope is eternal.

I prayed the night before that God would remind me of what is essential in life, and He answered my prayer by restoring the hope that I had lost. Being caught in a storm of my own, I had lost sight of the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. I often pitied myself, and it consumed me. However, when I read Abigail Adams quote, I was inspired. I was reminded that my heart and mind are formed by the challenges I must face; without overcoming these obstacles, a crucial part of me remains dormant. Hope awakened my desire to endure this temporary pain in order that I may pursue my passions and live a joyous life again. I could lose everything, but if I have hope, I know I will be victorious.

Hope is the distinguishing factor separating despair and perseverance, and it is often found unexpectedly amidst struggle and hardship. Though at times it may seem as if hope has been captured by the high walls of despair, with a little faith and perseverance, hope can conquer those walls, take hold of passion and, thus, illuminate darkness. Character has the opportunity to develop the most when it is tested through the darkest trial; yet no light is too small for perseverance to be ignited, hope to be restored, and passion to be renewed. Ultimately, victory is won in the light.

I expected...

A year ago, I expected that I would have successfully completed my first semester at Messiah College by now, but God had different plans.

Six months ago, I expected that I would have moved into my dorm with my two roommates this past weekend. I expected to have survived my first full day of classes today, and fall asleep in a building with hundreds of other girls and guys my age. I never expected that I'd be sitting here in my bed, alone, in the same room as always, at 11 o'clock updating my blog...

I expected to be in a place where I could learn, where I could thrive, where I could mature. Like most of people my age, I expected that to happen at college. Little did I know, that where I am today, is the very place where God destined me to learn, to thrive, and to mature in ways that I never would've expected (Eph. 3:20). In the quiet stillness of my room, in the comfort of my queen-sized bed, with a heating pad bringing waves of relief to the pounding in my head--this is where much of my learning takes place these days.

And you know what? I'm completely okay with that. As much as I'd love to be learning about literature, psychology, statistics, and philosophy at college right now, I am convinced that God still desires to teach me things here that I wouldn't be able to learn elsewhere. I have learned life lessons that I could never have learned from my professors at college (no offense to them, but some lessons are divine, beyond man's ability to teach, and must be taught by the Best of the best if you know what I mean), and I am learning new things everyday.

Yes, I'm not where I expected to be by now, but I believe I'm where I'm supposed to be. I expected to be healed from this invasive illness that has plagued me for nearly the past two years, but I'm still fighting it. I expected to have my life back by now, but I'm learning that in order to find my life, I first must lose my life (Matt. 10:39). That sounds so strange, I know, but I'm still just learning, so it's okay.

About an hour ago, I expected to be finishing up writing a post entitled, "Enrolling in the School of Prayer," since that's the topic of the book I just started reading, but I kind of went a different direction. Maybe the lesson to be learned tonight is more along this line---When reality doesn't line up with our expectations (which happens A LOT more than we'd like) we just gotta let go of our pride and roll with it. Stay positive, and keep on keeping on!

Yep! Sounds good to me! :)

Peace out!

Life-giving Joy

     Walking by faith and not by sight is the way of the few. We are innately more inclined to trust ourselves, relying on our own strength rather than to take a risk, a step of faith, and trust the Maker of the Universe, relying on His strength. I think one significant explanation of this comes from our misunderstanding of God’s will for our lives.
     We all desire to be happy. We wish for good health, safety for our loved ones, and comfort in material things like a warm house to live in, a nice car to drive, and fashionable clothes to wear. That’s along the lines of what everyone wants in life, right? And none of those wishes are bad.  The Declaration of Independence even states that “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness” are among our “unalienable rights,” and are the sovereign rights of man.
     I have to wonder though, if by viewing ourselves as entitled to happiness, or allowing our souls to be misdirected in sole pursuit of happiness, do we lose sight of the truth that God’s will for us is not to be happy, but joyful? Joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit, which is produced in us when we are truly abiding in Christ (John 15:1-17). Happiness, however, is not listed as a fruit of the Spirit, and is a mere emotion based on changing circumstances. I encourage you to take a look at Ephesians 5:16-26 right now and check it out for yourself.
     The difference between happiness and joy is very important to understand, especially for the Christian. Picture Happiness being on one side of the Grand Canyon and Joy on the other. There is a great chasm separating the two. It would require enormous effort to cross over from the side of happiness to the side of joy, and you must expect the journey would be quite painful and exhausting. And that it is. Because joy does not come easy, I feel confident enough to suggest that few really ever experience it in this life.
     In his book Shattered Dreams: God’s Unexpected Path to Joy Larry Crabb writes, “Happy people rarely look for joy. They’re quite content with what they have. The foundation of their life consists of the blessings they enjoy.” This may easily describe many of us who live comfortably. Crabb further goes on to challenging that “Happy people do not love well. Joyful people do.” If this is true, and we know that the Greatest Commandment is to love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself, then we need to seriously examine where we are right now. We as Christians are called to live a life of love. People should know us by our love. Maybe they don’t because we have yet to taste the fruit of joy for ourselves.
     He concludes with this convicting paragraph: “Only a few in any generation believe that the weight of knowing God is a blessing heavier (and by that I mean more wonderful) than every other. And those who believe it appear to have developed that conviction only through suffering. Happiness must be stripped away, forcibly, before joy can surface, before we will value and pursue dreams whose fulfillment produces true joy.”
    Leaving behind the pleasant feelings that pleasant circumstances generate in order to venture down the rocky road to joy is not easy. In order to experience true joy, though, and then love for real, we must experience deep suffering. Luckily for those who have placed their trust in Jesus Christ, there is hope. That hope, however, does not mean a life free from suffering. No. There is no shortcut to joy, but that’s for our own good. “For Jesus, the answer to suffering is to suffer intensely, and then to walk through that pain—through prayer, the Word, spiritual disciplines, and community—toward the center of your soul where above all else you desire God.” We must hurt when we hurt. We are not doing ourselves any favors by pretending we’re okay. Rushing recovery to escape the pain is no good either. Haste makes waste, right? But BE ENCOURAGED! “Shattered dreams are the prelude to joy. Always. In the middle of our pain, God is working for our joy. At some point, He works in ways we can see.”
     There is no greater joy than knowing and experiencing God. Apart from God, who is the giver of joy, we are unable to experience real love and love others, for God is love. Happiness found in temporary things will only last for a lifetime and then fade away. Joy rooted in hope that’s produced from suffering, however, will carry us through the hardships of this world and into the Heavenly realm of eternity where we will forever rest in the presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. That’s what makes this life worth living. I pray that you all find that life-giving joy. And remember, God works all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). 

The first step is always the hardest

     First and foremost, I am a child of God, a daughter of the King. I believe that if God brings me to face a particular trial, no matter how difficult and enduring it may be, then He will also bring me through it. Though I'm young at a mere nineteen years of age, I have experienced the pain felt by shattered dreams and the fear of dreaming again. However, I'm beginning to realize that all my dreams are lesser dreams compared to knowing and experiencing God, the maker of the Universe, in a real and personal way. No other dream can provide and sustain the joy that comes from knowing God.
     For the past two years I have suffered greatly from Lyme disease as well as various co-infections, and I am almost four months into treatment right now. It's been a rough two years, and I have a long, hard road ahead of me before I am completely healed. I know, however, how much I've grown as a person through this trial in spite of the suffering, and I eagerly look forward to seeing how God will mold me and grow me each day. My family, friends, and most importantly, my faith in God have encouraged me to keep persevering even when I see little or no hope. My prayer is that all who stumble upon my blog would be enlightened to the depths of their souls and be encouraged to press on when the troubles of life seem insurmountable. My deepest desire is to bring glory to God by being a blessing to others.
     I've heard God tell me multiple times that I ought to start a blog to express and share with others the wonderful work He's doing in my life. I've ignored his voice far too long. After a little push (or, well, threat) from a friend, here I am. I am thankful for this open door, and desire to use my talents and passion for writing for God's Kingdom here. Just like being baptized is a public expression of faith and a spiritual act of obedience, starting this blog is a huge step of faith for me and an act of obedience that I should've taken months ago. So here we go. "I baptize you in the name of the Father, in the name of the Son, and in the name of the Holy Spirit." Wooo-hooo!!!