Purify Us, Oh Lord.

Lately, I've been reading a fabulous devotional book entitled Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman. The updated edition in today's language has been a huge encouragement to me each time I sit down to read what it has to say. There are quite a few day's thoughts I wanted to re-post, but the one for today is especially near and dear to my heart.

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. (Malachi 3:3)

Our Father, who seeks to perfect His saints in holiness, knows the value of the refiner's fire. It is with the most precious metals that a metallurgist will take the greatest care. He subjects the metal to a hot fire, for only the refiner's fire will melt the metal, release the dross, and allow the remaining, pure metal to take a new and perfect shape in the mold.

A good refiner never leaves the crucible but, as the above verse indicates, "will sit" down by it so the fire will not become even one degree too hot and possibly harm the metal. And as soon as he skims the last bit of dross from the surface and sees his face reflected in the pure metal, he extinguishes the fire.
Arthur Tappan Pierson


He sat by a fire of seven-fold heat,

    As He looked at the precious ore,

And closer He bent with a searching gaze

   As He heated it more and more.

He knew He had ore that could stand the test,

   And He wanted the finest gold

To mold as a crown for the King to wear,

   Set with gems with a price untold.

So He laid our gold in the burning fire,

    Though we would have asked for delay,

And He watched the dross that we had not seen,

    And it melted and passed away.

And the gold grew brighter and yet more bright,

    But our eyes were so dim with tears,

We saw but the fire–not the Master’s hand,

    And questioned with anxious fears.

Yet our gold shone out with a richer glow,

    As it mirrored a Form above,

That bent o’er the fire, though unseen by us,

    With a look of unspeakable love.

Should we think that it pleases His loving heart

    To cause us a moment’s pain?

Not so! for He saw through the present cross

    The joy of eternal gain.

So He waited there with a watchful eye,

   With a love that is strong and sure,

And His gold did not suffer a bit more heat,

    Than was needed to make it pure.

Drop Your Leaves

We've had such a beautiful Fall this year. Fall has got to be one of my favorite seasons. I just love all the colors, the crispness in the air, the change. It's like you can see the change right before your very eyes, and change is often hard to see. I think that's why I love Fall so much. Trees dropping their leaves, preparing for the winter months ahead. It's one of the magnificently logical processes of nature. 

52 Week Project ~ Week 32
Falling behind this Fall, but making the most of it.

With the change of seasons comes a letting go of all those little things that can potentially burden us with unfit weight that we no longer ought to carry. But unlike nature, often times we try to hold onto these things way too long. Though wind, rain, and tempest roar, some of us would rather lay down our lives than give up our pride.

I'm forced to ask myself why...

Why do we view life this way? Why do we resist change? Why do we hold onto things that we know we just need to let go of?

These things---they don't even have to be blatantly bad---can hinder us from having authentic relationships with family and friends, from reaching out of our comfort zone to help someone in need, or from seeing the kingdom of God in all its power and glory. They can keep us stuck in an old way of thinking or in a hardened place of unforgiveness and resentment. They can misalign our priorities or slowly lead us down a slippery slope of despair.

I'll bet a thing or two comes to mind. Something that you know you should've let go long before today, but for whatever reason (you may have some very good ones), you have yet to loosen your death grip.

Just because we're human doesn't mean we don't experience seasons and need to let go of things as part of the natural progression of life. I think we could all take a lesson from nature in knowing when to let go and move on. Each season of life has a purpose, and yet, I propose that one likely reason why we fail to recognize a particularly rough season's purpose could be that we're trying to carry unnecessary baggage from the past that we stubbornly refuse to offload.

So whatever it is that's weighing you down, now is the time to free yourself up, to move on. After all, Fall is the season of noticeable change. You know it'll be beautiful. We all need to stop wishing for Summer to come back and stop dreading the Winter's cold. This season has special things for us to do and discover. Don't let it pass you by---or else soon enough you may be the snow laden tree that fell because it refused to let go of its leaves when it had the chance.

Here's a few things I've discovered so far this Fall.

...in every day of life

Like a mountain, life scales high before each of us. Climbing to the top requires much energy, strategy, and determination. Without the proper training or equipment, we might as well wish away our dreams of that "mountain-top experience"---only the best of the best make it to the highest peaks anyway.

Does this metaphor echoe the sharp tones of your life?

I've often found myself wrestling with the imagery of a mountain-centered life and the valleys it inevitably creates. Even my blog's subtitle reflects this widely-accepted view:

Discovering that, sometimes, the finest treasures can only be found in the deepest valleys.

In light of all this, it makes perfect sense for me to believe that if I'm failing to ascend to higher heights, than either
(a) I'm paralyzed somewhere on the side of the mountain---lost, scared, & confused---
(b) I'm hanging off the edge of a cliff awaiting a painful plunge, or
(c) I've already fallen into a deep valley far below all my past efforts and failed attempts to reach my goals.

Right?

Well, not really. But that's how I've felt lately.

After experiencing a harsh relapse of symptoms (around the time of my last post), I seem to have hit a bit of a rough patch...been stuck in a rut...fallen and haven't been able to get back up. It's almost as if I'm back at Square One with all this health crap. Full of uncertainty, disappointment, and questions...

Lots of questions.

From this heap of questions has arisen one, which, like many others, demands an answer:

What if I didn't view life as a mountain to climb?

And yet, all I can come up with is more questions.

Does that mean I should toss all my goals and dreams out the window and spend my days watching marathons of The Mentalist? No--leveling the mountain doesn't eliminate ambition.

Maybe I wouldn't feel so "defeated" when I find myself in a place that I formerly viewed as a valley?

Maybe I would take more time to notice---my surroundings and the people and relationships---that which I often overlooked when I had my mind fixed on reaching the top?

Maybe I would do what Ecclesiastes 11:8 says,

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 31

Amid the uncertainty lurking in these questions, one certain answer comes to mind. 

I'd have to resist the temptation of a mountain-centered life on a daily basis because everywhere I look, that's what I see. Whether it's corporate ladder climbing or grad school applying, this "make-it-to-the-top-as-fast-as-you-can" fever is dangerously contagious. 

The opposite extreme proves no better. The news of my medical leave from school goes out and in come the consolation text messages, the "I'm soooo sorry" hugs, the sad faces followed by a "How you holding up?" They all come from sincere hearts, I know, but they support a view of life that I'm trying to release. 

If life really was a mountain, than this medical leave would be a major setback. However, since I refuse to adopt a victim's mentality no matter how crappy I feel, this season is anything but a setback. 

With that said, yes...I'm grieving my loss; I'm frustrated beyond words; I haven't a clue how it's all going to turn out, and that scares me a bit. After all, I'm still human. 

But don't you worry.

I'll be on the look-out for some blessings in disguise.

***

In the meantime, I need some advice. Should I change my blog's subtitle?? Leave any thoughts or suggestions through the "add a comment" link below.


blessings,

Our Mess. God's Masterpiece.

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 30
Makes me wanna take a backroad =)

Ever have one of those days when you just feel like your thoughts are all over the place? On the one hand, your scatterbrain-ness is everything but productive. On the other hand, you learn a lot about yourself because of your hypersensitivity to the Wheel-of-Thoughts that's spinning in your head. Tick. Tick. Tick. Speeding up and slowing down. Wondering where it's going to stop. $1,000 or BANKRUPT.

If you haven't ever had one of those days (you're just one of those people who are "A-plus" focused all the time), you'll definitely get a feel for it through this post because that's been my day. It started when I left late for my chiropractor appointment this morning and had to turn off the radio because I was utterly distracted by a sea of amazing clouds rolling across the bright blue sky. I say a "sea" because I honestly had to remind myself, "No Elisabeth, that's not the ocean." The clouds seriously looked like crashing waves hitting the sandy coast, though, one after another, just like clockwork. And that's the perfectly timed picture that God painted for me on his Creator-of-the-World-sized canvas this morning. It was exactly what I needed. Even though I was late, I was too distracted by beauty to care, too awestruck by God's hypersensitivity to my scattered thoughts to worry. Somehow God brought peace and calm to my crazy, all-over-the-place-mess of a mind.

And you wanna know what the best part about all of that was? Not that I couldn't stop and take a picture of the sky this morning (because I was late...) but that God left it for me up there on my way home tonight! Never have I been so thankful for a drive through the backroads by my house. It's like God knew or something! (HA...I just laughed at that statement too) I couldn't keep focused on anything else today for very long, but oh my word, that sky! I had no other choice but stop my car a few different times to take some pictures.

You may think I'm a little crazy by now, but God has actually taught me some crazy lessons of trust today through the sky and my ridiculous lack of focus. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it all and find the words to describe to you how God's been moving in my heart today.

I'll start by being honest and say that this week I have worried wayyyyy too much about some decisions I have to make about what this coming semester is going to look like for me. I've felt almost paralyzed by fear of the unknown (a.k.a. my health) and confused whether as to confront those feelings of fear for what they are or listen to them as whispers of discernment. In any case, I have not been trusting the Lord with these decisions. I've been stressing, trying to figure it out on my own, and deceiving myself into thinking that I can keep things under control.

In reality, I'm more of a mess than I usually think I am, and I desperately need to rely on the Lord. I need to trust that his plan for me is perfect, and that nothing--not even my worry, or doubt, or chronic headaches--can get in the way of that perfect plan. For the God who made the sky and the oceans and the sun and everything that has a name and even the things that have yet to be named, is the same God who's in total control over this long, rough season of my life. To me, it feels like a whirlwind; to God, it must feel like...well, I'm honestly not sure, but I know that the winds and the waves stand still at his command, so my crazy life probably doesn't stress him out all that much.

So once again, for anyone who's ever felt like a complete mess, don't think that God won't come and meet you where you are. I know sometimes we all can get self-conscious and would prefer that God not come and see us in a frazzled, bad hair, no make-up kind of day, but God isn't as easily scared off as we think he'd be. Now is not the time to be shy with Him. It's time to be real. Say it how it is. Don't hold back. The God who gave you life is dying to be in a relationship with you; Jesus made that possible through his death and resurrection. He's waiting for you. What are you waiting for?

Maybe tomorrow morning he'll paint you a masterpiece in the sky, so don't forget to look past your mess to see it. Mmk??

Blessings friends!

To be or not to be?

I have a confession or two (or five) to make...

The people who live with me already know that I haven't kept up with the Couch-to-5 K running plan.
I reached Week 3, but then lost my momentum.
I've stayed seated on the couch more than I've ran over the past two months.
I make excuses---my head hurts...I'm too tired...I just showered...I have too much school work...I just ate a whole cake Katherine, so give me a break---even though some are completely legitimate reasons not to run (in my mind at least).
Needless to say, my hot pink sneakers haven't lost as much tread as I thought they would've by now.

Once I fell behind, I just gave up. I had a rough couple of weeks health wise by the time I reached week 3 of the program and lost my wind. Instead of giving myself some grace, moving back to a slower pace in order to regain my strength, increase my endurance, and eventually make strides toward my goal, I decided to go sit back on the couch. It's not where I wanted to end up, nor is it where I felt like I should stay, but at least I knew I'd be comfortable there for the time being.

This kind of attitude tends to bench a lot of us. If we make one mistake, we think it's all downhill from there. We give up before we even get going. I think most people also think of their spiritual lives in the same way. We read in the Bible (2 Corinthians 5:17) about how God says that we are a new creation; the old has gone and the new has come, right? But sometimes we still feel old, act old, and look old. What then? Do we just go sit back on the couch and tell ourselves, "Oh, tomorrow I'll be a new creation" ? Sometimes, yes, that is exactly what we do.

When we do that though, when we revert back to the comfortable, old way of life, we put ourselves through an identity crisis, whether we know it or not. As believers in Christ, we are redeemed children of God, without stain or blemish in the eyes of the Almighty. We have been saved from a dark, torturous eternity separated from our Maker, and saved into a new life, full of God's goodness, mercy, and love. Our identity becomes Christ's, for that's how the Father sees us. He knows we're not perfect, but he's making us new. It may not always feel like the most comfortable choice, but we can have confidence that God will finish the work he began in each of his children, for Christ said so himself: "It is finished."

Until then, we can live each day with the hope that one day we will experience the completeness of our redemption through Jesus Christ. Even on the days we feel old, like there's nothing new about us, we can walk on with the strength we receive from God's Word, which says:

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure." (1 John 3:1-3)

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 29
#tobeornottobe

To be or not to be? That is the question.

Redeemed.

That is our answer.

This week I stopped listening to the voice in my head that told me I'd never be able to actually run a 5 K. I woke up early one day, made my way down to the treadmill in our basement, and walked a mile. It wasn't a lot, but it's something. At least I'm off the couch again. 

At the very end of that one mile walk, the song "Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave came on my Pandora Radio. It perfectly summed up my reason for walking, for moving forward, for trying again. Not just in exercising, but in life. No matter the pain I feel, I always have a reason to get up in the morning. 

I am redeemed. 

Life is Beautiful

It's official. I have made the leap to a smartphone.

A couple weeks ago I upgraded my old semi-smartphone (you know, the kind that looks like a dumb phone, but you can check email on it) to a really basic blackberry-looking phone that didn't come with extra data charges. I thought it'd be better to go simple, save some money, and limit the time I spent glued to my cellular device. Within the first few days, however, of using that basic phone, I had problems with it insisting on randomly restarting itself and displaying the wrong time. Not O.K. After enduring the stress of returning that phone, I gave in and bought a smartphone: the HTC Rhyme. It actually works AND it's purple! It does a bunch of other stuff too, but that's all I care about at this point.

I've been challenged this week to do a self-check and re-evaluate what I consider to be important. When technology spirals to the center of our lives, it becomes difficult for us to see beyond the screen in front of us. Materialism is highly addictive; with just one taste, we're hooked. We start thinking that a good life means having the coolest gadgets, the biggest house, and the prettiest profile picture. When we idealize life like that, we cheat ourselves in one of two ways: either through self-pity, resulting from an insatiable desire for more of the things we can't have, or through self-indulgence, resulting from too much of the things that we think we need.

Either way, we miss out on this.

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 28

A holy life is a beautiful life. "Worship the Lord with the beauty of holy lives" (Psalm 96:9). Worshipping the Lord and bringing glory to his name should be our goal as long as we have breath. That's our purpose; the essence of life. If we deny that, we deny God the praise he deserves and we deny ourselves the experience of a truly beautiful life.

Jesus came so that we might have life to the full. Not full of stuff, but full of Him. For only in Christ will we ever be complete. Jesus spoke to his disciples these words which hold true for us today: 

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing...You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last" (John 15:5, 16).

May we live abiding in Christ this week and worship God with the beauty of holy lives. 

A 2-for-1 Deal

Over the past two to three weeks, we've had the pleasure of watching a robin's nest out by our pool. I first noticed it when four bright blue eggs lay nestled in its twigs and branches. Then one of the eggs hatched, and before we knew it, four baby robins emerged into our crazy world.

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 26

This photo is from two weekends ago, and it officially marks week 26, the half-way point of my 52 Week Project. It's amazing how helpless these baby birds are; without feathers or even eyesight in their first few days of life, these birds rely completely upon their parents for food, shelter, and protection. We sat and watched--and took lots of pictures, of course--of how these four babies waited with their mouths wide open for mama bird to arrive with their meal.

But if we sat too close to the nest, the mama bird would keep her distance. She'd perch herself on a fence post with her watchful eye, waiting for us to move out of her way. We also noticed that if the music was too loud, the mama bird wouldn't come near the nest either to feed her babies.

After turning down the music and quietly making our way into the pool, the mama bird finally flew over to the nest, and the babies received the nourishment that their tummies needed. This image has stuck in my head ever since.  


Lately, I've struggled with anxiety, just worrying about all the details of life that seem so overwhelming and out of control. God has reminded me through this scene with the baby birds of his good care and faithfulness toward me. He makes sure that those babies birds are taken care of, and he most certainly provides for all my needs as well. We can turn to God's Word and find assurance that God cares for us. Matthew 6:25-27 reads:


Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

So often I lose sight of how much God cares for me. I forget that I am his treasured possession, his beloved, his child. When pain and confusion rush over me like a flood, I forget that my God is the same God that parted the Red sea and stopped the flow of the Jordan river so that his people could safely cross. And then He surprises me by meeting me exactly where I am in my time of need. When I turn down from the loud worries of life, quiet my heart, and just lay still, awaiting an encounter with God, that's when He comes swooping in to nourish my hungry soul. Nothing can stop him from coming near as long as I'm not standing in his way. But even then, he always knows where to find me and how to provide exactly what I need.


This second picture shows about a weeks worth of growth in two of the baby birds that were in our nest. The other two had already went on their way by that point. Somewhere in the falling process, they learn how to fly. Though they might be scared mid-fall, their parents know that all shall be well. 

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." ~ Matthew 10:29-31

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 27

I've entitled this post "A 2-for-1 Deal" because I'm using it to share two weeks worth of pictures. With all the worrying that I've done lately, my desire to write has gone by the wayside which has caused me to fall behind a bit with posting for my project. I'm officially more than half-way finished though! So from here on out, I'm really going to try to stay on schedule. But I've committed to not worrying about it either! :P

Why you buggin??

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 25
"Better late than never, heh?" #catchphraseofmylife

Last Saturday night, my boyfriend Pat and I set out on a mission to catch some lightning bugs. With over forty years of combined experience, I must say, we had pretty good success. Trying to get a cool picture of those tiny little critters, however, was a totally different story. I don't know how many pictures I took that night, but this was the only one that turned out. 

That's a lightning bug on Pat's finger, in case you were confused. Looks pretty freaky huh? Let's take a closer look....

Okay...whether you call it a lightning bug or a firefly, it's definitely one creepy looking insect. Let's zoom in one more time...

Wow! I'll bet you'll think twice the next time you want to catch a lightning bug, huh?

Daddy's Girl

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 24
Beloved Child of God

This adorable little girl's name is Sydnie. She just so happens to be my boyfriend's one year old niece, and we had the blessing of spending some time with her last weekend. On Sunday we stopped by her house to deliver some pictures to her parents that we had taken of her on the boardwalk in Wildwood, NJ. I couldn't help but snag a few more photos of her before we left that day though. Seriously. Look at that face! No camera can stay tucked away for long with Sydnie in the room.


When I look at this picture, I can only imagine the kind of love that this child's father has for her. I'm reminded of the love that I've received from my own father: unconditional, self-giving, sacrificial love. This love has made me desire to honor, please, and respect my dad in response to the kindness he's poured out on me throughout my life. Although no human love will ever reach absolute perfection, I think the purity of my dad's love for his children sure comes pretty close.

I wanted to dedicate this post to my dad as part of his Father's Day present, but it's already Wednesday night so it's a little late. Better late than never though, right? I love you Daddy!!!

I would've posted sooner but the past week and a half has been so filled with painful headaches and migraines that I haven't had the energy or concentration to write. I have endured a lot of trial and testing this week and have confronted the recurring questions and seeming inconsistencies that so often accompany the long hours spent in bed with unrelenting pain. I've mainly been challenged with the idea of how an all-powerful, all-loving God, our Father in Heaven, can allow his children to suffer all kinds of pain, sickness, and distress. I'm not just talking about the common cold or typical knee scrap, but the serious stuff. The stuff that keeps floors upon floors of children occupying rooms in hundreds of children's hospitals around the country: unexplainable pain, incurable illness, insatiable anxiety, failed treatments, harsh medicinal side effects....the list goes on, making it increasingly harder to reconcile the two realities of this painful life with a loving Father God who has good plans for his children. I'm so easily tempted to succumb to the thought that if God is really all-powerful, than He is obviously unwilling to heal because complete healing has not come.

With my focus solely on the present pain that I'm suffering, this seems like the most logical conclusion: that for some reason, God does not want to heal me. What a sad, depressing, and nearly heart shattering statement! I know I'm not alone in that thought either.


Our conception of love requires protection from pain at all costs; yet the greatest act of love that the earth has ever known required that God allow his only son Jesus to suffer the greatest pain of all, dying a cruel death at the hands of the ones he came to save. Isaiah 53:4-6 states:

Surely he took up our infirmities

    and carried our sorrows, 

yet we considered him stricken by God, 

    smitten by him, and afflicted. 

 But he was pierced for our transgressions, 

    he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,

    and by his wounds we are healed. 

We all, like sheep, have gone astray, 

    each of us has turned to his own way; 

and the Lord has laid on him

    the iniquity of us all. 

Most of us tend to feel like we're entitled to a good, long, healthy life. We get mad at God when bad things happen. We think that if God is God, He needs to do something about all the evil, pain, and suffering that's tearing this world apart. When we don't see Him doing anything to make things better, we turn our backs on Him, harboring our feelings of bitterness and betrayal, which morph into despair and hopelessness in a matter of weeks, days, sometimes even hours. Digging our own graves, we blind ourselves from seeing God's masterplan of redeeming this broken world and everything in it. He didn't design creation to look like the mess we're used to seeing. God doesn't want anyone to suffer pain for all of eternity, although that's honestly the punishment that our sin deserves. But that's why Jesus suffered for us; paid our penalty and took our place. As a result, we all have the opportunity to be healed completely from the sin that sickens our wretched earthly bodies. Whether that healing happens this side of Heaven in a way that we can see or not is beside the point: by his wounds we are healed.

Next time we get frustrated and angry over the pain and suffering that we see and experience in this life, I pray that we'll quickly be reminded of Jesus' words he uttered in his last breaths as he hung on the cross, "It is finished!" As children of God, we can rest assured that this place is not our home; we're just passing through. While we're here though, I don't think that God will allow us to endure any suffering that He does not purpose for good. No pain goes wasted on God's watch. We just have to wait with the hope that God provides and trust---through the tears---that Daddy knows best. 

After all, God is love, and love never fails. 

Breaking Through Reality's Limits

Last week was so busy that I did not have time to post, but after taking well over 500 pictures, I had a hard time picking just one to write about for week 23 of my 52 Week Project. This one stood out to me though. 

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 23

For starters, I've never seen a storm cloud like this before in my life! On Thursday evening, my boyfriend Pat, two of his cousins, and I walked up 110th street in Stone Harbor so the boys could practice their golf swing by the ocean. I tagged along of course, hoping to snag some cool pictures on the beach, but we didn't stay for very long. Once we reached the sand, we spotted this crazy cloud off to our left. It had lightning bolts shooting down from it and stretched twice as long as what I could capture in this photo. For nearly ten minutes, I focused my camera and all my attention on this cloud, attempting to catch a shot of the lightning.

Little did we know, as we stood fixated on this cloud to our left, that an even larger, darker, scarier storm cloud was forming right above us.

This picture doesn't really convey the apprehension we all were feeling at the time, but those clouds were moving fast enough that we unanimously decided to call it a night and head home.  

My experience that night on the beach reminds me of how often I become so focused on the stressors and upsets of life that I fail to recognize the more serious spiritual warfare taking place all around me, thus leaving myself unprotected from Satan's attacks. 

There is so much more to this life than life itself. As the finite beings that we are, we often have great trouble looking past our present circumstances. We secretly desire more, but we fear that our longing will never be satisfied because we've grown so accustomed to a limited reality of life. And so we make our best effort to survive on the tiny morsels of temporary happiness that we can salvage, hoping they'll suffice, but knowing from past experience that they can never quite last long enough. 

In the same way that I failed to see that dark storm cloud above me on the beach because I was focusing on the strange, long cloud, we won't ever see more than our present circumstances if we don't turn ourselves around and look up. Only by the grace of God and his incredible mercy can we even begin to understand the mystery of the unseen spiritual reality that surrounds us. We need to become more aware of the limits that we place on reality and be open to how God will break through them. Until God's work is completed, the battle against evil and our own sinful nature continues to rage; yet, we must not forget that God's plan entails redeeming the whole world, so we can be sure that things are changing---even when the storm clouds roll in---and in the end, all will be changed for good. God never abandons the work of his hands, but promises to finish with the mark of perfection.

With this in mind, we need not fear the battle. For our Lord already has won the victory, and He has given us everything we need for life and godliness. As 2 Peter 1:3-4 states, "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." What a blessing it is to catch glimpses of God's grand scheme of things. 

A couple weeks ago I wrote a poem for the dove in our front garden. This week, I'm making another attempt at the whole poetry thing because I feel like prose can't adequately express the dynamics of my experience this week. 

"I Long for You"

I long to desire You above all others,

to seek you first, forsaking the rest.

Though now my heart still roams and wanders,

Your arms are where I know I belong, where I fit best.

I long to know You and to be known by You

in the most intimate way that transforms my soul.

Though my body is weak and my thoughts ever fleeting,

My spirit cries out, "Lord, take me home! Just take me home!"

I long to please you Lord in everything I say and do,

to bless your name, oh Great I Am.

Though I have stumbled and fallen many a time,

You cleanse me once again with the blood of the Lamb. 

Couch-to-5-K

I bought these sneakers with the hope that they will symbolize the start of a new stage of my recovery.

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 22 #HotPinkAllTheWay

Before I got sick, running and I had always enjoyed a love-hate relationship, filled with some joyous, some not-so-joyous memories of never-ending track work-outs, driveway sprints, and Camp Lauren. Most of the time, someone else had to push me to run. Or rather, in some cases, pull me off the couch. Thanks Laur! Although I didn’t always have a self-motivation to lace up my running shoes, at least I was able to still do it and run a good race.

There were a few occasions when I was still really struggling with my health that I tried running again, but my head pounded with every step, making the entire process and the rest of my day torture trying to deal with an insane migraine.

It’s one thing to complain about not wanting to run or feeling sore afterwards, but it’s a totally different, almost defeating, thing to know that even if you wanted to, running was out of the picture. I guess it's sometimes true that you never know what you got til it's gone. . . 

Today I began a exercise routine called The Couch-to-5-K Running Plan for new runners who want to progress from their sedentary state to running three miles, all in 2 months! I’m giving myself some extra time though. My goal is to be able to run 3 miles by the end of the summer.

After jogging/walking for 1.75 miles this morning, I just feel the usual aches of exercise. The really great part is that I didn’t get a migraine from the work-out AND I was able to complete it the right way. Compared to what I had done before, it wasn’t that hard of a work-out at all, but after not being able to do much of anything these past three years, it felt like a good enough sweat for me! Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up and finish what I've started. The fact that I'm on week 22 of my 52 Week Project seems like a pretty good sign to me that I have what it takes to commit. Ask me in two weeks how I'm doing. . . ;)

I'll leave you all with a running verse for inspiration: Hebrews 12:1 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 

Bird's Eye View

“Who stands fast? Only the man whose final standard is not his reason, his principles, his conscience, his freedom, or his virtue, but who is ready to sacrifice all this when he is called to obedient and responsible action in faith and in exclusive allegiance to God—the responsible man, who tries to make his whole life an answer to the question and call of God.”

 –Dietrich Bonhoeffer 

This week I’ve sensed a common theme of the need to stand firm in the faith in spite of pressures, fears, and struggles that tempt us to abandon the convictions and beliefs we hold in our hearts. Through my reading of Bonhoeffer's life and my reflections of Christ's example of suffering that he has left for us, I have been faced with the challenge to take God more seriously. Lest the saints cringe to see one’s perseverance in the faith diminish into the looming darkness, one must possess an undeniable responsibility to God’s call, stretching far beyond one’s self and suffering, that makes the muddy trek through hell on earth worth every inch. 

This dove, who has made her nest in the tree next to our porch, inspired me along the lines of this theme of perseverance and resilience, and so I've written her a short poem to conclude my post for this week. Please try to enjoy my attempt at poetry....

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 21

Innocent, pure, flawless Dove,

All too often have I underestimated your resilience. 

To my surprise, 

you remain steadfast to your duty: 

protecting your baby dove eggs

 even though blinded by the flashes of my camera and 

frightened by the dangerous blades of Daddy's trimmers. 

You know that I see you, and I know that you see me.

But this I must confess:

You have become the subject of my photo for the week

--I hope that's okay--

Not just for your beauty, though, 

for with you, there lies more beneath your fine feathers.

It is the strong will and dedication with which you respond to your call, 

which bids me to reevaluate my simple judgment on your kind. 

Your resistance to flight in the face of fear has inspired me, 

innocent, pure, flawless Dove,

to try to do the same.

Not just another flower picture

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 20/52
Some Good-Looking Thorns

In case anyone was wondering, it's a tad difficult to focus on the thorns of a rose bush when its decadent flowers constantly fight for your attention. Anyhow, that's what I tried to do in this picture for Week 20 of my 52 Week Project. Although I had to edit it a lot to achieve what I had in mind---some good-looking thorns---the entire process ironically encompasses the change of heart that I've experienced this past week.

I must start by explaining, in brief, the news we received at my doctor's appointment on Tuesday afternoon....

For the most part, we were very encouraged by the news: all the parasites, bacteria, and viruses are gone! I still have some "imprints" or scars on my cells from the Lyme bacteria, which has caused a slight autoimmune response, but after a month or so of taking a homeopathic remedy, I should be all clear. So that's very good news!  Praise be to God, the Great Physician who mends all our wounds and heals all our diseases!

With this great news, we had to ask the tough question about the possibility of permanent damage since I went undiagnosed and mistreated for so long and still have headaches everyday. The doctor said that sometimes patients have "dead spots" in their brain, which are supposedly permanent. I asked if those were technically called hypo-perfusions, because that's what showed up on my brain scan a while back when we first started thinking I had Lyme. He said yes, that they're the same. He continued to say, however, that even though the dead spots are lost now, the brain can re-route itself and work around those areas. The brain is pretty incredible.

But still, that's the part of the appointment that made it hard for me to fully rejoice over the miracle of healing. I thought, Wow, so I'm pretty much healthy, but because of this stupid brain damage I'll probably still feel pain, neuro symptoms, and memory impairment the rest of my life. That's just great.

After all I've experienced over the past three years, I most certainly cried over and still grieve the damage and loss, but I do not doubt in the least the sufficiency of God's grace, power, and strength in my weakness. Perhaps the dead spots will serve as a good reminder of how God has sustained and will continue to sustain me. I mean, it's a miracle that I've come this far already, and even with the permanent brain damage that remains, I know that God can still work miracles in and through me. What else could better attest to his great power and faithfulness? I can't help but to deeply identify, once again, with Paul when he writes about his vision and the thorn in 2 Corinthians 12:


To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (verses 7-10)

I honestly believe that God has purposefully made me weak, with regard to my own strength, in order to make me strong through the strength that comes from Him alone. God has healed me, but I think to keep me from becoming conceited---from boasting about my intelligence, achievements, and honors---he has chosen to allow some weakness and damage to remain in my brain. However, when I can boast gladly about that, though, Christ's power rests on me. I know this to be true. I've felt it. This amazing truth of Christ's power within me has transformed my mind in ways that no medicine or therapy ever could. Though outwardly and physically we are all wasting away, inwardly and spiritually I am being renewed day by day through the power of the Holy Spirit who helps me fix my eyes on the unseen, eternal aspects of life. Because in the big scheme of things, God knows that even permanent brain damage is really only temporary. One day He will restore and redeem everything. All will be made new. The dead will be raised and the dead spots will be brought back to life in the glorious presence of our risen Savior, Jesus Christ. Now that is some really Good News! Amen??

Coming back to where I started, with the idea of the thorn, I'm learning more than ever before that all good things must be protected. Just as rose thorns are a protective adaptation to keep animals from destroying the entire rosebush, maybe my brain damage will guard against conceit and pride, which seek to attack the good fruit, lessons learned, and spiritual maturity that the past three years of trial and pain have produced in me.  After all, nothing exists without purpose. Perhaps this is just it.

The Tell-Tale Glow

I need you more than anyone darling, 

You know that I have from the start. 

52 Week Project 2012 ~ Week 19
A Special Dedication to My Most Special Mom

When we were young, my sisters and I always used to pick buttercups from the backyard, hold them up under our chins, and find out if we liked butter---a yellow glow would be the tell-tale sign. Of course, we all loved butter. But for whatever reason, who knows why, some days we apparently did not like butter, according to the buttercup test anyways.

Even though this test doesn't reliably determine the truth of the matter when it comes to butter-liking, it does make me think about how much I really do love my Mom. Just like the buttercup test, some days she can look at me and see that I do love her a lot. But other times, for whatever reason, the tell-tale glow just doesn't appear under my chin.

The everyday tests that shorten our fuses, our ropes, our tempers--or whatever you'd like to call them--make for unreliable tests that can't always determine the truth of the matter when it comes to Mommy-loving. However, I don't think that handing our Moms a well-written Hallmark card and a bouquet of flowers with some candy gives us passing grades either. I've always believed that love is an action word. The words "I love you" only possess deep meaning when acts of love, or service, accompany them.

That's what I've learned from my Mom, because acts of service are definitely her main love language. With that in mind, I'd like to publicly state, before whoever reads this blog, that for this Mother's Day, I commit to helping my mom weed her gardens on any morning of her choosing over the next week.

         Mom, 

              I will get on my hands and knees to show you this year how much I love and care for you. You will know by the dirt under my fingernails, the pile of weeds in the wheelbarrow, and the open space in your gardens; the bug bites I'll acquire, the girly screams you'll hear upon my encounter of creepy crawlers, and the mere sight of me waking up and doing work in the morning. You just tell me when, but we have to do it together. Okay? Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love you with all my heart. Just look for the glow under my chin, Buttercup. It's true. May you feel honored and blessed on this special day and remember that even on the days when I fail the test, my love for you will never wilt or fade. I love you mom! You're the best!! 

Your dearest & most darling daughter,                  

Elisabeth  :)

              

Happy Mother's Day to the rest of you Moms out there! May your days be filled with blessings upon blessings. In the midst of the celebration, try not to overlook the blessings in disguise! 

The "Home Stretch"

52 Week Project~Week 18

It's amazing how a little bit of pressure...aka Finals Week...can make us college students really grow to value the small things in life that we often fail to fully enjoy:

A Lottie breakfast date/cram sesh before an 8 am exam. A surprise cup of tea from a friend. Sharing flashcards. A warm smile after way too many hours spent studying late in the library. Late night pancakes. Free pancakes! Dogs in the Union?? Finishing a final early. Learning how to construct a "buff chick" wrap...and then making a mess trying to figure out how to eat it. Listening to Needtobreathe on my ipod walking around campus. A light sun shower after a steamy Friday afternoon. Getting mail. Going to Baker's. Catching up with friends. Cookies, ice cream, & pizza, yumm. Singing in the shower together. Sharing vitamins and cold medicine. Walking barefoot. Random dance parties. Weird dreams. And last but not least, playing with chalk in the middle of the basketball court...trying to complete our masterpiece before the storm came to wash it away.

And that, my friends, is my photo of Week 18.

SEE?? It is amazing how a little bit of pressure can help us grow to enjoy the small things in life. Between the overload of stress and lack of sleep during this past week, I would've thought that I'd have been in a bad mood. But I've actually noticed way more positives, especially over the past few days.

To give you an example, in addition to the awesome list and picture above, on Wednesday evening, before I had to stop studying and just go back to my room to get some sleep, I pulled off a book from the shelf behind me. I happened to be sitting in the Theology section of the library in the cubbies that I usually never go to. But during my last study break, I opened up to a random page in a chapter entitled "The Gift of Surrender" and read the following:

"Jacob wrestles all night long with no hope of really winning. At the end of the night, he is still in the struggle but ready finally to give it up without needing to triumph. He can just be what he is. It is enough, he understands, simply to persist rather than to need to overcome. To persist is to live in hope. To insist on overcoming the enemy, on the other hand, only dooms us to perpetual contention over something that may not have perpetual value. Not to us, not to anyone... Surrender is the moment in which we realize that it is time to become someone new. Surrender is not about giving up; it is about moving on.” ~ Joan Chittister, Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope (p. 59)

At the time, in the midst of all the undue stress that I place on myself with doing well on finals, that was exactly what I needed to hear in order to survive this last "home stretch" (as everyone keeps reminding me) of my freshman year of college.

I can just be what I am. It is enough for me to simply persist rather than to need to overcome the struggle that lies before me. To insist on being perfect or getting straight A's, even if it means missing out on the experience of fully enjoying the little things of college life, dooms me to "perpetual contention over something that may not have perpetual value."

Persistance, I'm learning, does not require absolute perfection. All it requires is a little bit (or a lot a bit) of pressure that forces us to learn how to enjoy the small things in life. Because without them, surrender is pointless. After all, "to persist is to live in hope," and we must have an idea of what we're hoping for.

"Surrender is the moment in which we realize 

that it is time to become someone new. 

Surrender is not about giving up; 

it is about moving on."

This Is The Story Of A Girl......

Only two more days of class left, then finals, and then I'm done my first year of college! I don't know where the time went. My mom has always said that the college years will be the fastest four (or five) years of my life. At the rate things are going, I think she's probably going to be right.

This past week has been crazy with finishing up papers and projects, and unfortunately, I haven't had as much quiet time with the Lord as I've needed. I was reading Psalm 139 this morning and was reminded of the reality of God's presence that I tend to lose sight of when I get wrapped up in the busyness of life.

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 17/52

I feel like sometimes life seems more like riding a train. We get on knowing our final destination, but not being in control, we're not completely sure how we're going to get there.

The Conductor, however, knows the course. Even in our complaining about the multiple stops that must be made along on the way, we trust Him. After all, if we didn't, we wouldn't still be riding His train, right?

So, those were my thoughts this morning after reading Psalm 139 and reflecting on my week.

Since my metaphor has lots of holes in it, maybe it'd be better if you all just read God's Word for yourselves. . .

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise;  you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. 

You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. 

If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."  ~  Psalm 139:1-24

I hope you all enjoy the picture for week 17 of my 52 Week Project, and remember that even when it doesn't feel like God's in control, He's the one who set down the tracks and knows the course full well.

Wet Hair and Wishes

52 Week Project 2012 ~ 16/52

A friendly hello to Week 16 of my 52 Week Project and to the hundreds, maybe even thousands, of dandelions springing up all over my backyard!! I remember as a kid searching for the fullest white dandelions, plucking them out of the ground, and making a wish as I blew the seeds away, hoping they would all disappear with the wind and somehow make my wish come true. Now I just take pictures of them and use them as illustrations for larger topics.

It's funny how time has a way of changing us: our thoughts, actions, and priorities. Looking back on our old selves (or young selves) we all can pinpoint at least one thing that we know now which has greatly influenced and changed us.

For me, it's not just my perception of dandelions, but of faith. When I was younger, I used to think of faith more like wishing on a dandelion. I would say prayers to God and hope that he would hear them and make my wishes come true. I thought maybe if I prayed hard enough, my words would make it up to Heaven like the dandelion seeds floating away with the wind.

I'm not sure when I realized that my dandelion, wishful faith was not the kind that the Bible talks about, but I've been writing this really long paper (that's due this Thursday!) on the influence of faith on my family dynamic, which has forced me to define what true faith really means. The first verse that comes to mind for a definition of faith is Hebrews 11:1 which says, "Faith is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you cannot see." But even that definition, I think at least, has holes. After all, I hope for a lot of things and there are many things that I can't see, so what is this verse talking about?

I think 1 Peter 1:3-9 sums it up pretty well. It answers my question from Hebrews 11 and then some. Take a look:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Q: What aspect of faith do we hope for?
A: An inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade, which is kept in Heaven for us as we are now being shielded by God's power until that day that we receive what we've hoped for --- of this we can be sure.

Q: What aspect of faith do we not see?
A: Jesus Christ, the object and the giver of our faith --- of Christ we can be certain.

Q: Is faith important?
A: Yes! It's of greater worth than gold!

Q: Why do we have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials?
A: So that our faith may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when we see Jesus face to face. After all, anything that's true should stand the test of trials.

Like I said earlier in this post, I don't know the day that I realized faith is more than wishful thinking, but I know that I've gained a clearer perspective on faith through the pain and suffering that I've endured. That's not to say that faith is just a resource that I pull out when times are tough. Rather, through trials and hardships, I've had to face the challenging question of "Who am I?" In faith, I recognize that I am a dearly loved child of God. If the storms of life must come to wash away the dirt that masks my true identity, than bring on the rain. If you ask me, a genuine faith and an inexpressible and glorious joy are most certainly worth getting my hair wet for.


Still have questions? Feel free to leave a comment or email me with anything that's on your heart.